Ok Sun and Sportster, here I am with my 2 cents. I am interpreting a lot of control in your posts--deleting messages, "getting him to kiss" you. You are totally not letting go of the "rope". Sun, you have to let go of him and let him go through this himself. I know it makes you angry and hurt that he is still connecting with OW, but he is home right? Even if he says it is just for D, so what, he's there. Perfect time for you to practice patience and forgiveness. She knows something is happening to her messages cuz he isn't responding to them and she is probably telling him that, so they probably both know what is going on. Please try not to be a "victim". I know it is hard because you feel betrayed and disrespected. Right now you can't do anything about it--you can't control it or cure it. It has to run its course without you trying to influence the outcome. Let's focus on us and the behaviors we bring to the R that may contribute to the problems and work on those. That is something we can control. Read DR again and again. I see you two just having a bitch session here and not really working on yourselves today. My H and I are still not living together but we are getting closer to each other all the time and it is because I am focusing on myself and my behaviors. He is by no means perfect and still can be a jackass, but I am getting better at letting him be a grown up and make his own decisions about his life. We cannot make people do what we think they should do. We have to decide whether we can accept them the way they are. I know you are angry and hurt and maybe you want them to hurt too. Believe me, they do--maybe not the same way as us, but they are hurting too. They don't want to live like this any more than we do, but they don't know what to do about it yet. They are trying to find their way. Gotta let them go. I may have been harsh and these are opinions, but I really want you all to succeed at this and I feel I need to share what is working for me. Patience and forgiveness.
I am not going to pretend that I am perfect in any way. And believe me I have taken a look at some of the things that I might have done to cause H to feel unhappy in our R. Although it is hard to initiate change, I do believe that I have changed some of the things that H might have been unhappy about and it is making me a better person for it. I used to be a very rigid person, a spontaneous weekend trip would have been out of the question, but I have learned since this, that sometimes it is fun to just pick up and go and do whatever without an exact plan. That is just one change that I have implemented in my life, among others. Everyone has room for improvement in their lives and unfortunately it takes a dramatic event to usually bring that on because you cant always see what you are doing is wrong. Yes the past few weeks, I have bitched about what is going on, but that is what this place is here for, a place for me to feel free to express my thoughts and not necessarily let them be known to H (begging, pleading, etc). Once I found out about H's internet relationships at first I gave him the space he needed in our home and by doing that he started being nasty and thought nothing of spending all of his time on computer talking to OW. He even stopped picking our daughter up from daycare just to spend time with OW on computer. It started to get really bad. Then I decided that I was going to save our marriage long before finding this site. I did not focus on OW, I focused on spending quality time with H and D and making our summer one to remember, which I think I was sucessfull at because H moved back home on his own accord. But with him moving back home I am entitled to have some expectations that OW would not be part of his life (3k miles away or not). So forgive me for struggling somedays with living with EA right under my nose. And honestly I do not care if OW knows that I delete her messages, there are over 200 of them a month according to the cellphone bill.
I do know that H is torn now between the two lives. In fact he has been to the doctor and it is possible that he has an ulcer. To me a red flag that he is not meant to lead this double life. I know that I cannot force him into doing what I want and that it has to be a decision of his own, But I do not have to sit back and be a doormat. Believe me I am joyfull when he is around (mainly because I am happy to spend time with him..I often forget about OW when we are together), I do alot of things for him when he is not around. I come here to vent, for support, and advice. This past week I did major backsliding in terms of begging and pleading, but like anyone, we have our days when we make mistakes. I just keep trying to pick myself up off the ground and try again, not just for me, but for our family.
I appreciate your advice. My ultimate goal here is to save my marriage, otherwise I would not be here. So thank you. I know that this week was not a good one for me, so I am trying the best I can as each day presents itself.
Sun, sorry if I was too harsh. You have expectations and they aren't unreasonable, but they may not be met right now and you will be disappointed. I expect nothing and if I get something, it's great! Takes a lot of work and self talk though. And I just didn't understand what good it was doing for you to snoop and delete those messages. It doesn't seem like it is going to make the OW go away or bring him closer to you. I think a lot of the time when I post it is to remind myself what I need to remember to do too. I apologize if I overstepped. I am hoping the best for you.
yea, Molliew, guess we were having a good old gripe and pity party. I am chalking it up to post Holiday depression. I have been excellent about being dark, although I was disappointed that i did not even get a text for NYE. Had a great time with MIL /SIL, they made me feel so loved and supported, but i do know that they know some things that I may not. MIL made comment that she told H to be careful of OW H, he may try to get him when he is on motorcyle. Now how would she know to make a comment like that to him unless he was telling her stuff about OW H? I know all I've told her, but she is really good about not telling H . He gives his family little info, not much more. Keeping this pretty quiet, I feel , to not let everyone know this has been going on alot longer than he said. I read the 5 LL, and it was quite an eye opener for me. Now I know the resons H gave to leave were an excuse, but we did have some major communication problems. I admit to my part in that, and through this BB, and reading LL, and other things ,at least i know what my part is and can fix it for mysef!And if H does not come back, I will be much better for myself and for anyone I may have a relationship with someday. But hey, this is about positives, and 1/5 and still not asking for divorce filing forms!! I am almost afraid for him to call, cause I know it'll be about filing soon. SIL says at NYE stay-over, H never had his phone ring once and he never checked it either.( Oh sure, its ok to do it in front of me though)I didn't say anything, but I know he checked it when he went to the bathroom.I was on my soap box, telling them how much H loves her in order for him to be with her, and her drama. BUT -SIL,says if he is so in love, how come he didn't at least try to bring her? How come he didn't at least show us a picture of her? And MIL says I'll say it again- I CANNOT see my son with a woman with two kids that age (one is preteen boy, other is in 9th grade) . Maybe if they were 3 or 4 yrs old, he may want to help mold them and be a daddy. Just wait till the first time he tries to dicipline them or if they touch his stuff or his bike! We all had a good laugh over that one. They said alot of supportive things to me.My MIL gave me beautiful gifts, and among them was a nice $$$money gift!! And they took me to lunch. I was saying that I had not been to H's apartment since I helped him move in/ and he helped me get a car.Over 4 months now.He has never invited me. MIL says "well, he knows we were gonna drive up here today, and guess what-we were never invited either! I would've loved to see his apartment." Earlier in the day she had asked me how far H lived from me (35-45 min) . Thats why, I said to myself. I thought maybe they were gonna try to go anyway, but yesterday is H's turn to close up shop, so he has to stay late on that day every week. And you were not too harsh on us, but this is the only place I can really really vent and have no damaging effects on any relationships in my life! And I'd like to believe my h is hurting too, and maybe not coming around cause he still has feelings for me, and cannot deal with two highly charged emotional sitches at one time. Even his Mom and SIL said they believe he does not know what he wants.They were amazed at the party story, and just shook their heads. Am I crazy? Is he just trying to do some more control? Is this type of behavior of someone who already has OW and says he wants to divorce me?Or am I hanging on to little sreds of that rope...
You werent too harsh...I hope I didnt make it sound that way...And you are right, deleting the messages doesnt help bring him closer to me but it sure does make me feel GOOD. I actually have only caught 2 text messages and deleted them. I know that if I did it too much I would get caught. I do have a sickness when it comes to snooping tho. But when I first started it was actual spyware that I have not had on the computer since May. That was very hurtful. But I do check his email periodically...I am going to try to stop doing that. I have told hubby a number of times that I dont expect things to magically fix when he stops talking to OW, but with OW in our life our marriage will never be fixed. All I ask is that he stops talking to her for a month and see how he feels about us during that time. I dont see that as unreasonable. H has been texting me all day. It is nice, but then I am reminded that he does that with OW all day too.... ( Listen we all are here for reason, we believe in our marriages even tho our spouses dont right now. I have asked for a divorce, but I dont think H realizes that I am serious. I dont want to be divorced, but I dont want this anymore. For the next few days I am just going to focus on me being happy. Waiting for my copy of the 5LL's and I will read it and take its advice into heart. I am praying for all of us here, and I am glad that things are starting to go your way.
I am glad that H has still not called about D papers. As each day passes, it could be another day that he is questioning himself. I do wish he would initiate some contact with you. Maybe he feels because you have not called/text him since xmas that you have moved on. Who knows what these men are thinking...UUGGHH!
Well Since I asked H for D, he has been great at keeping in contact with me during the day. That was one of my goals when I first starting DBing. To have H contact me during the day like he used to. So this could be a plus. I will not bring up any R talk for the next few days, that is my goal for right now, tho I sent him a message on his yahoo saying that I thought his possible ulcer is a result of trying to lead a double life. Sometimes when I write to him, it gets him thinking, or at least I'd like to think so. I know I really have to start working on me. I am really depressed. My copy of LL should be here tomorrow. Ordered it off Amazon and scheduled delivery is tomorrow. I will be doing a lot of reading this weekend and hopefully I will find it as useful as you have.
DOnt worry about venting to me sportster, thats what this is for, for saying what you wish you could say to H, but know that you cant! When do you think H will get that bill in the mail? Shouldnt he have gotten it by now? I wonder if that will spark a phone call...hmmm I will check back in later. I have to put D to bed.
He should definetly have gotten it by today. he only lives 35 minutes from me. He probably got it yesterday. He may just mail the amount back, or ignore it all together.I am really missing him. Its amazing to me after all I've told about how bad this has turned out and the mean things that got said and done, I STILL miss H. My friend says every time you strt thinkin about your "image" of h , think of something bad he said or did, it may help. I do, and it does, but thats not what i want to be my memories of him! I know I should be concentrating on me, but I can't help wondering what they do at night, are they affectionate with each other, is her H being a pain in the ass again, are the kids getting on H's nerves yet, or is he simply sitting at home in his own apartment some nights? Does he ever think about me in a loving way, does he miss me? Is OW better than me in the bedroom, you know the old what has she got that I don't. I wonder if he is ever sorry he let himself get this far into her sitch or was he already in love and he knows to have her he will just have to deal with all the drama.Too may questions.No answers. I just keep getting this feeling that he may try to contact me on Saturday. I don't know why, I just have a feeling. I will try to have the papers ready (they basically are, I just need to fill in one or two things) if he does ask, but if he doesn't you KNOW I am NEVER gonna mention them. Hey you said you were not gonna bring up R talk but thenm tell him his ulcer may be from double life! While it may be true, you can come off sounding like R talk, or leading into.
Sportster, I know exactly how you feel about missing your H when there has been so many hurtful things said and done. I too wonder about how my H and OW are at night. I have the same questions about the kids, the bedroom, and the affection. I think it is a natural feeling, but I don't know what else to tell you. I don't know the next time I will hear from my H and I know the feeling of wanting to contact him. Anyway try to keep your chin up and I wouldn't bring up the D papers either (that's how I plan on "dealing" with my situation for now)!!!
Yes Sportster I agree don't bring up D papers. I know you miss him. At least he has his own apt. Mine doesn't it drives me crazy that he's been so in to me this week and yet he still goes to her place. UGHHHH!!!!!!
I wish he would just say I'm coming home. H's mutual friend whom he hasnt' contacted too much since A started said H called him Monday night. Didn't sound too good seemed very confused, so he doesn't think thing's are too hot in his sitch. Friend in beginning of sitch recommended that H not get involved w/ OW they all worked together.
He said whatever you are doing has him confused. So keep it up. Well I will wish that your H doesn't ask for those papers. ~inawe~
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