Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy the love languages-/DR -worth the $ and time

finished reading the five love languages this morning. Wow. I wish I would have found that book a long time ago. There is so much help out there, but so many of us find it too late. That book was $12.99, but it is priceless to me now cause I know what happened to us cause we just didn't know , and I am gonna make damn sure I will NEVER have that happen to me again.The Divorce Remedy was great too, but I am having a little more difficulty with it cause H is not here to DB on, and he never really calls any more. After all is said and done it all comes down to we had some major comunication problems, going way back to the beginning. And it didn't change when we got remarried. I am so sad that I will not have any chance to do anything with the info now.I do know this divorce is going to happen, it has to, my H has too much invested in his anger, in convincing himself that I am guilty for sins past and the cause of all his unhappiness, and of course in OW and all the support,love and care he has given her .To stop that all right now and want to reconcile with me would really make him look foolish , and he hates looking foolish or being wrong , so...
I will work on filling out the rest of the divorce forms today, so that when he does want them, I will have 'em ready. I still do NOT want this to happen, especially since I know that if he wanted to it could be repaired, with some effort on both our parts.
Oh well, the sooner he and OW get started on their new lives together, the sooner the euphoria of the "in love" phase will wear off. I do think they have some considerable drama ahead of them with HER divorce, cause her H has filed that counter motion re: child support and whatever.Plus, I know my H is probably not interested in finding out what her love language is , so they may have a tough time down the road. I don't know anything about her, 'cept what H told me, but I do not think she will want to put H before her kids for long. And once he does not have to protect her from her H, it'll be interesting to see what their relationship will be based on.When there is no major drama, what will feed their need to cling to each other?All she'd have to do is tell one little lie, and she would be doomed. I am sure she is attractive, and they must have something in common, or else my H would not be hanging around and enduring this drama. I realize that sometimes these things do work out for people ,and maybe he just wants something totally different from what he had with me.I do know he cares for her, loves her.But now I also know that if she does not learn his love language, this may not last for them,
I keep remembering LOSTIN FL and her sitch. Her H moved 400 miles away, told anyone that would listen that he was happy with OW,etc. And he came home. But they had kids, I have no ties to my H, now that the dog is gone.
Plus I have to actually put a copy of the vet bill in the mail tomorrow cause H said he would split the cost of the cremation of our dog, and I still have not seen any money.I texted him when I got the dog back saying "he's home" he textd back "pet him for me" so that should have jogged his memory, right? That why I am slightly nervous about believing him about giving me what I want money wise from the house sale. Well, if he doesn't I can always refuse to sign the sale papers,right?
Thanks for letting me vent some, I am just still so sad that this is all coming to pass. I did not/ do not want to lose my H. I still love him.I would give anything to have another chance to work on our marriage.I don't like how he has treated me during this, and I know that I would never want to be treated like that again. I will still try to DB,and start applying the love languages info I learned -if I ever get to see him again for more than 5 minutes.And if I don't- I am starting to feel that I have learned so much here and reading the books that I will be ok to lead us into a better realtionship should he ever want to come back, or if not I will be better in a new realtionship with someone who will want to learn my love language too.

Hi Sportster,

I was sad to hear of your decision. But you know what I
think I have come to the same realization that he's not
coming back and at this point if he did I don't know if
I'd want to make it work. For now these are my feelings.

Your wish for me did come true in a way. No kiss but I did
meet two new guys. I updated on my old thread and started a
new one A New year for inawe.

H called this AM wanted to know about my night last night???? I said well your a day or two behind. It's
Sunday and I went out Friday. I didn't tell him much
I was very vague and tried to avoid his questions.

I was right to not expect to see him this weekend cuz
he is in another town not to far from here.

At least we will be better people and will have better
relationships in the future because of these books. And
we have taken the time to discover us and realize what
our love language is and how to recognize someone elses
love language. Good Luck to you Sportster.
~inawe~

S--sorry you are so sad today. He hasn't contacted you yet even to get the papers.

You say he loves OW and cares for her. If he cares so much why weren't they together at his family Christmas? He may not being paying the vet bill because it reminds him of a painful experience. I know that doesn't make it ok, but it might explain it.
Why do you continue to torture yourself imagining what they are doing and what she looks like (you say you know she is attractive--how do you know that?) How do you know he loves her, cares for her, he won't reconcile cuz that would make him look foolish, and what he has with OW is totally different than what you had. You kinda have a little drama going on in your own head, and you know they hate it when we decide we know what they are thinking! This stinkin thinkin is bringing you down. I see some of the advice you are giving to others and it's good--take some of it yourself. Be patient--get a life as if he isn't coming back. Just go ahead and take another walk through WalMart and see how many guys notice you. It will give you a little boost! But make note of all the great things about you yourself and keep reminding yourself. No matter what happens, you will come out of this better than ever.

Molliew-first of all, I don't know you, but I love ya. You always make me have to think about what I "think " is .

But I do have some reasons for the stuff I posted.

1- he IS going ask me for the papers soon, if you read my post about convo with SIL /MIL you gotta get that he was probably telling them he is going through with this ASAP.I had a suspicion that MIL read him the riot act at Thanksgiving for even giving me the forms- she was mad when I told her and said "he did that already??"

2- I know they (SIL MIL) are concerned for me, and maybe worried that we will sell the house and I will not have found a place to live yet. But I also know they would not have even asked me that (till at least Tues when I will see them for lunch)if it had not been brought up by someone.

3- ok, I'll give you the vet bill thing, last time he came here he still gets misty eyed talking about our baby. I do still too.

4-As for OW being attractive, way back when H was actually dicussing her with me, I asked him. He did say she was attractive, quote" she is nice looking, not where she walks in a room and guys would go 'damn!' but she is nice looking" Plus, I think I know who she is from when we went to the company picnic.But don't know if I could pick her out in a line-up

5- I know that he could not /would not reconcile now cause he DOES have feelings for her,and anything you know about this and guys tell you that men usually do not leave unless they have something to go to. and even his sister said "Sorry to tell you this but this divorce IS gonna happen.If he comes back right now he looks like an even bigger jerk and fool then for the lame reason he left". I had given him suggestions on how to get her to stop calling texting back then (I would NEVER think of doing that now, I want her to annoy him)when I had asked him if helping her was a bit more than he thought it was gonna be (back when he was insisting they were "friends") But he said, well she has a good heart and I think she just needs someone to listen to her, But she does talk alot. Well, here we are 4 months later, and it is progressed now that he has to RUN to her home when she calls to console or protect her against her H and his tirades.

6.- This IS totally different than what he has with me. She is younger by 6 years, she has kids, she is english/german decent (I know, so what, but apparently it was important enough for my H to mention it like "hey we're the same kind". I am Italian ,and so is OW H) And she "needs" him. He is willing to do whatever it takes to help her, comfort her. He truly wants to be there for her. She was getting beaten for years, on and off, but she kept taking her H back. Even her family gave up trying to help her, OW sis is married to OW H's brother, and even they gave up. She doesn't get along with her parents to well, my H said. But because of my H she now had the courage to finally file for divorce. Guess he made her fel safe enough. Previously she would not file for fear of her life.

7- I don't know why she was not at Xmas or NYE, (and you know I had suspicions on that as well) the only reason I can think of is that she has family and kids and they wanted her to be with them, and this NYE thing was kinda mandatory for my h to be at. Plus if he brings her around NOW, everyone will know that he was full of crap that this all just started 4 months ago.I do still harbor hope that he IS taking his time deciding if this is the kind of drama he wants in his life and maybe he wa happy just to take a break for a day or two.

I know what you mean by they hate when we assume, but I don't tell him, I usually vent to you all, or my sis or friend, or MIL/SIL. I was wrong abut today, I was sure I was gonna get a phone call asking again for the famous "bike ride" that never happens, but includes papers of some sort But glad I didn't.

I am having a hard time with the GAL. Still slow going. I just feel so in limbo. I am tortured by the fact that he chose this path to get a new life for himself. That he no longer wants me is hard to take for me. I realize my part(s) in it, but I also realize that he doesn't want to change, not long term, at least not for now. With all the meaness that happened, I still love him. I know I gotta GAL and move on like he is not coming back. I am very lonely - you know how it is. I crave hugs kisses ML from him, all stuff I know can't happen anymore. Do you still get to be with your H in these ways? Even with all the bad stuff that happened, we did still have that up until he left, abbreviated sometimes, but still a part of our lives. I think I told you already, but the last 2 weeks he was at home we ML alot,and it was the best we'd been in at least a few years! kisses like we were in high school, long and sweet.Even the hugs and kisses I got after he left are not happening anymore. I still remember them and it makes it twice as tough imagining that SHE may now be getting that tender treatment.

Yea, I'll have to go to wal-mart or at least another biker event if I need an ego boosting day

thanks again...p.s. your husband must be crazy to even think about not wanting you, you are probably the best friend he will ever have

S--well, I guess you've got some pretty good points there. I am sorry about that. I hope you will keep trying to put this stuff out of your mind though. But I know I went through all those feelings when my H was with OW. I hated the thought that she was getting what I used to get. Although now I know she didn't. They had a PA but the EA was never going to happen.
Your H seems to have jumped into alot of new things--kids, OW going through a nasty divorce. This is going to be overwhelming if he hasn't done it before. Those aren't his kids and they will make sure he never forgets that. And at some point she probably will too. My H doesn't have kids and he has had a heck of a time with mine. He doesn't know how to communicate with kids at all and so avoids them if he can. He thinks they are great as long as they are behaving and doing what he thinks they should do, but if they started challenging me he started getting angry and freaking out about it. Then I usually took the kids side and tried to protect them and that made him even angrier. Part of the reason we are apart is that he couldn't take my caving into them after I made agreements with him about discipline. I couldn't believe he started an A with someone who had a 10 year old and a 2 year old. My D21 is out of the house and my S16 won't be around too much longer. I kept reminding him that he would be starting all over with little kids and he didn't like kids that much. Of course, when he was with her, her kids were home with a sitter or with their grandparents so he never had to deal with them.
I read Snodderly a lot (I know you do too) and she seems to have lots of good MLC advice. And she does remind us that MLC can take years (Ugh!). So I guess we just have to decide if we want to wait. But we have to be doing something in the meantime, right?!
I guess I still have hope for you cuz he hasn't asked for the papers yet, no matter what his family says.
I just can't believe he is happy--I just don't think it works that way. My first H wasn't happy with his OW. I think he only married her because I moved on.
I am thinking positive thoughts for you, S. I don't know you either but I sure consider you a friend traveling down the same bumpy road as me. Thank goodness we have friends here to support us and understand what we are going through.
And with all the work we are doing on ourselves our next relationship is going to be the best, whether it is with our current Hs or not!

Quote:

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I usually vent to ... MIL/SIL

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Bad idea. Really, really, bad idea. Anything you say to them will, eventually, get back to your H. They are his family. You may be friends with them, but this is going to come back and bite you in the @$$...

Your expectations do affect what you do and what will happen. If you expect the D to go through, it will. If you expect he won't come home, he won't. Why? Because, even on a subconscious level, you alter your behavior.

And, sometimes, they do come home. Pride is, of course, and issue...but that's why you DB in order to create that "safe place" feeling.

He married you for a reason. He left because there were problems. Show him that it's possible to work through those problems, and that you won't hold a grudge, and he is likely to come back.

I know they are his family, and one of my new years resolutions is to have a realtionship with them NOT based on talking about my H. I know my MIL and SIL love me, but i recognize that he is their blood. SIL does think he is a jerk for doing all of this, given his past and present.
And I do try to have this be a safe place, and thats why I think he does come nosing around and is curious about my whereabouts. About expectations, I have been told to have none, but I do anyway. I did expect him to come home. I cut out talking R talk as soon as I found out about DB-ing as best I could. He has decided to stay away from me as much as possible and I often wonder if it is because there is still feelings there and he can only deal with one sitch at a time I never mention OW, but she always has to make her self known by calling him when he is here, on his cell.
And my H is the major grudge holder of this marriage. I am always willing to forgive and try to forget. I do not want the kind of relationship we had before, and I have done lots of reading, found out what my part was in this and know I will not ever go back to old behavior again, with or without him.

My H does have some issues he needs to work through as well.
I do believe he loves me still somewhere in there. But this needy OW and her drama are a huge pull for him right now.

Sportster,

You are in a tough spot and I feel for you. The absolute best thing you can do is to continue to work on GAL. I too have read the 5 love languages and fortunately I am still in a position to use some of that advice. I am not 100% sure what my wifes LL is but I am leaning strongly towards Affirming words. Her OM (it's ended according to her) made her "feel smart". My counselor said that he "validated" her. My wife has a ton a resentment built up towards me so she brushes of the compliments etc. but I am hoping in time she starts to believe them.

I read a book called "Wild at Heart" by John Elderedge. It is an excellent book built on this premise. Every man needs 3 things. 1. An Adventure 2. A Battle 3. A Beauty to rescue. I suspect that by reading your post that some of these desires are being fullfilled in your H.

The book also points out that men like to control most situations in their life (we should live the adventure instead of trying to control it). I guess my point is that I suspect once your H injects enough control into his current situation the glamour may wear off. It sounds crazy but I think we can all atest to the fact that we are our own worst enemies by bringing on our own misery.

Sportster, I've been following your story and I think the one word for you is: patience. My heart has gone out to you (and everyone else here) so often because it is all so familiar to me. I got the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" song and dance and every other line known to man. I waited out the OW and it was total agony.

I was reading an article about marriage and the men said that all they want from marriage are three things; affection, approval and appreciation. I would say that pretty much follows what gboat said about adventure, a battle and a beauty to rescue. They NEED to be needed. From what you have said, you did everything for him and left him with no role. Now he has someone to "rescue" and look what he is doing. Yes, I know, all these things we learn too late.

But I also think deep down you are still the one and he is currently sidetracked by his MLC. It is sooo hard to be patient and friendly and loving and wait, but unfortunately, I think that's what you have to do. The average relationship lasts about 5-7 months in its intense stage, or so I've been told. My H's lasted 7 months but he was with her 9 or 10 months.

I wish you luck; all of you. And me too, cos we still are working on things and aren't there yet! Just wanted to add my 2 cents.