When we were having it out and H was asking me not to leave the day after his trip w/ow, I asked why he does this stuff, and risks our m/reconciliation/all our progress if it is what he wants--if he loves me and wants our M, WHY does he do this and risk it all? He just hung his head and bawled and said he made a mistake (this was in regard to the trip w/ow 2 weeks ago Wednesday) Everything else he seems to blame on me.
I really don't have a clue what to do or think anymore.
My H said almost the exact same thing. He said dont you think it makes a statement to OW that I moved home and I am with you... H has never been upfront with me about situation with OW cause I dont think he has the guts to say it outloud and or he thinks I will leave him for sure. Funny thing is if he would tell me the truth I would feel so different, its the lies and deciet that kill me
I'm not going to tell you what to do - if / when you reach then end of your rope you'll make a choice. In the meantime:
Quote: I don't know for sure what to think, H is really truly weird, in many ways he seems happier with extended family than he has in a long long time, more contented, etc., he actually did lift a finger towards cleaning the basement, which is a big improvement for him...
He's temporarily of of stress because he can have his cake and eat it too - his MLC isnt changing and "as if" doesnt seem to have much of an effect except to say "sure do what you want" - he isnt processing it further to the next step which is "and she'll do what she wants too" i.e. the wife is letting go so she wont be your "backup" girl
Quote: It hadnt occured to me that maybe his "put-downs" are intended as sabotage...could be, that makes a lot of sense now that you mention it. And certainly they are a pretty obvious effort at justification for him.
yea he's pushing buttons and laying blame to take your self control away - and it's working
Quote: and H would start ranting and raving that he wasnt going to live like this either, with me not trusting him and throwing it up to him over and over again.
and he's done what to earn your trust? continue to lie and manipulate? Trust is earned, not given. The more he protests, the guiltier he must feel.
Quote: I asked why he does this stuff, and risks our m/reconciliation/all our progress if it is what he wants--if he loves me and wants our M, WHY does he do this and risk it all?
mlc mlc mcl - he wants both and cant have it.
sounds like things are coming to a head. be strong, no matter what happens. dont lose your cool. that plays into his tantrums.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Quote: When we were having it out and H was asking me not to leave the day after his trip w/ow, I asked why he does this stuff, and risks our m/reconciliation/all our progress if it is what he wants--if he loves me and wants our M, WHY does he do this and risk it all? He just hung his head and bawled and said he made a mistake (this was in regard to the trip w/ow 2 weeks ago Wednesday) Everything else he seems to blame on me.
Deb- MHO on this...it plays right into his viewing you as his mother. All these questions sound like something a mother would ask her teenage son. His repy always being the infamous..."I don't knoooooooow". He probably really does not know much in that befuddled brain of his. You shooting a barage of questions/realizations his way is more than he can take on his best day, let alone in the heat of argument. Deb, your actions WILL speak louder than words.
I think you should call him on his BS but leave the third degree out of it. It's not going to get you anywhere. He needs to come to these conclusions on his own not have them pointed out by you. He will just resent you all the more for being right once again.
Try just living for you and son for the next couple of days. Forget about Friday for now. It will come whether or not you worry about it.
BTW- Your son seems smart, mature, sensitive enough to understand that mom needs a couple of days away. This does not have to be a scary situation for him...or you. The way in which it was presented to him was what scared him so badly (and understandably so).
If it isn't almost verbatim what my H said to me when I "caught" him a couple of times! How the heck would they have the nerve to say something like "Well, you shouldn't have been snooping". DUH! With our H's it does not, I repeat .. does not dawn on them that they should not have "committed" the crime .. and if I go by my H's actions , they really don't/won't (realize that) for quite a long time.
Your H now knows (again!) how absolutely violated you are feeling. You have told him in no uncertain terms how you feel. Gosh! .. I've been there, done that, seems like way too many times! I'm thinking that now you need to be very quiet (about anything to do with OW) and watch and listen to him very carefully ..
Quote: But hey gang, I still need help, now how do I deal with Friday? I wonder if H will be coming up with something about a workshop or what ever? I can't even think straight right now......
As far as Friday and/or any other day you are "suspecting" .. I'm thinking that you are going to have to bite that bullet and put the Morphing Deb and GAL plan of action into overdrive. Start now, Deb! Get yourself somewhat "extricated" from all of this drama. Let your H see some big time changes in you. Remember .. you don't have to "shut down" to him. You just need to start showing a totally different attitude. You can be kind,affirming, etc.. while still making your "big time" transformations! I know I've said this before (along with others) but you need to NOT be so available to him. You need to be appearing to get a life (GAL)! Which you definitely should actually (truly) be doing!
It looks like you are getting a lot of really great advice/support from a lot of wonderful people on this BB, Deb. We are all here for you! Hang in there!!
TC, Bill, Dawn, thanks you all for jumping in here....I so appreciate the support. I am working on processing your ideas, and will post more about that today.... Just wanted to journal a little.... things were quiet last night at home...I stayed pretty backed off of H, I don't think I said ILY at all but was pleasant. H was pleasant as well....if it was for all the crap going on under the surface, I'd think things were great (I know that probably makes no sense, but anyway). We were both restless for some reason at bed time....h got up to go to the bathroom, and actually asked "can I bring you something"...that surprised me, I don't recall him ever doing that before... about an hour or so before the alarm went off, I got up to go into the bathroom, and H asked "are you ok?"....that is unusual, and obviously he was lying there awake, which is also unusual.....
I'm reading "you and your husbands mid-life crisis" and it looks like it will have some specific suggestions a little further in. right now I'm reading about "living in a triangle" (the A) and it sure describes the sitch to a T.
One thing I've learned from that book and from the mlc forum is that it takes about 5 years to go through mlc, and that there's generally a period of 3 - 5 years of discontent before it hits. I can see that looking back...and I'm certain we're at least 2, more likely 2 1/2 or 3 years into the mlc itself. I just don't know if I have the patience to last this thing out.
oh yeah, one small victory in my corner, I got downstairs and out the door before H, didnt even see him to say good-bye, although I did call up the stairs to say "bye, I'm leaving, have a good day", much as I would any friend....no ILY's or anything.
I know it sounds pathetic, but that is progress for me!
S did make an interesting comment last night...I said something about ow being off Friday and it being written on the calendar which she usually asks them not to do, and he said "just a minute mom, I gotta thought coming in here...you could see the wheels turning, and then he said "maybe it's on the calendar now because there isnt anything to hide anymore because it is over"...ha, don't I wish, although I doubt it. The thought had never occurred to me though.
a funny thing happened Sunday afternoon...S brought a sick kitten into the house, H had told him to bring it in to "Dr. Mom"....I told S to hold it while I got medication & stuff, then I said "I think I can watch him now, you can go do whatever you were going to do". H came in from outside just in time to hear me say that, and BOY, did he get "huffy"...wanted to know WHO I was talking to, and WHAT that was about...you should have seen the look on his face when I told him it was about the sick kitten because I didn't want it getting loose in the house and said "here, could you watch him a second".... I know he thought I was telling S to watch him!!!
With our H's it does not, I repeat .. does not dawn on them that they should not have "committed" the crime 
I'm thinking that now you need to be very quiet (about anything to do with OW) and watch and listen to him very carefully ..