Hi all, getting back here after the time off, and frankly I'm going to need some help picking through the debris and devising a plan for how to proceed from here.
I was so anxious and panicky on Wednesday the 22nd....couldnt put my finger on it, but "knew" "something was up"...well, it was....damn it. Remember I got no emails from H all day, he'd been REALLY Weirdly crabby in the morning, and then really nice that evening? yeah, well....
Thursday the 23rd, I took off of work 2 hours early...as I was leaving, checked the "public" leave calendar in the main office to make sure leave was recorded correctly for my supervisees, and lo and behold, the day before, H took "sick leave"! what a huge elaborate plan...he drove to the office, parked his vehicle where I'd see it,then left...he had mentioned he'd be driving to out of town office that day, and on and on and on....the SOB....I get mad all over again just thinking about it....I was so PO'd I was shaking.
When H came in the door thursday night I jumped him, frankly dbing went out the window. I was so furious I pitched a fit that literally rattled the windows. H of course got mad at me for snooping and said he was going to file a formal complaint at work about it....(what ever, this was on the public calendar and there had been questions about leave for people I supervise...which is exactly what I told him, including the "whatever" part)...I was so furious he really is lucky I didnt do him bodily harm. Or ow...
I called her every name in the book, including a disease infested w---e, and called her that more than once. Told H again he needed to go to her if that's where he wanted to be, but if he went to stay there. He wiffled and waffled and tried to lie that he'd told the secretary in the out of town office to say he was sick if anyone called because he was so far behind. I called him on that....bull s--t....and he finally owned up, that yes he had been off for the day with ow, said and sticks to the story that he went with her to take her d to meet her xh....a 4 hour drive each way....that he did it because she has been having car trouble and he told her he'd help until she found someone else....there was nothing romantice involved (yeah, right).....
I was so PO'd I told him he was a damn fool if he believes she isnt still after him, I know better, that a woman doesnt con a guy into spending a day with her for any reason if she isn't interested in him....If he couldnt see her manipulations there wasnt much I could do to help him....I was really nasty then and started to quote lines from her stupid love letters........asked him if he didnt know you can buy that stuff on the internet...should have seen the look of disbelief and then shock on his face at that one, obviously it never occured to the dim-wit....
Words cant describe how furious I was....I told him many times he needed to go to her if that's where he wanted to be...of course he wiffled and he waffled and shuffled and threw blame at me....same song, second verse. I told him I had had enough of the crap, I was leaving....I got a big box and started to pull my clothes out of drawers...threw clothes in a suitcase and told him I'd be back tomorrow for the rest of my stuff or he could get his out by then... H was by then bawling that "this is not what I want, I'm begging you not to do this, please don't do this" ....I told him I was past worrying about what he wanted because I've had enough....got in the van to leave, and poor grief stricken son gets in screaming and crying, begging me not to do this, that he can't live without me....that got to me...I went back into the house.
H started in on how this was my fault, blah blah blah blah....I said "I've had enough of this", walked out the door and left, with poor S standing outside the door crying..... I had no plan what to do, just that at the least I needed to be away for awhile, I felt S was safe with his dad...I drove around for about 4 hours, then I did go home...because I have this haunting memory of my own grandmother, who was probably the most precious person on earth to me, doing exactly the same thing when I was about S's age (all these years later I found out because of my granddad's A) and I recall how traumatized I was....
When I got back it was late, but S and H were still up...H weirdly went to the table and set down to write out a check for a bill, said something to me about it was going to be late....I just ignored him, walked by him and went up to bed....
This was Dec. 23...the next morning, S told me that H had bawled the entire time I was gone, and said "I made a big mistake and I'm going to fix it"...S said H bawled and sobbed, not just a few tears.
And that was day 1 of my christmas vacation.
More of the stomach turning soap opera to come....
When I was driving around, I kept thinking "don't go home"...but I couldnt do that to my S. I won't traumatize him that way....
Ok, had to take a "break" to do some work....It's even kinda hard to piece together in my mind all that happened...Christmas eve day we were exhausted from no sleep the night before....not much happened, I recall conciously deciding to let go at least for the day. We had planned to go to 5:30 Mass, and around noon H asked if I thought we should go to 4 instead...I asked why, and he said because "she and her family always go to 5:30", I remember replying "and I might cry?" and H said "I don't want her to ruin our christmas eve"...so we went then and did have a good evening....christmas day was good, we went out to in-laws in evening....S stayed all night there...day after christmas, somehow the s--t hit the fan again, I don't remember all that was said; I know H was blaming me for every thing and reiterating about how miserable he's been since forever and it's all my fault. At one point was griping about how I focused too much on my job when we were first married...how the person who took it after I left didn't, the employers didnt like it but look at her now, she has an important position....I replied that yes, she does now, after she dumped her H's cheating butt and finished her Ph.D.. H got this weird look on his face, said that's it that's problem, I've stood in the way of your personal ambitions, I'll buy out your share of the house and you can get on with what you've always wanted....I didnt say much, pretty much ignored it, but I have to say I have clicked over the $ in my mind a couple of times and thought "yeah, that would work" and the "freedom!" has rang through my head a couple of times. H got upset because of the books I've been reading (you and your H's midlife crisis is the latest) and said that it just one more sign to him that I am blaming the whole sitch on him and not taking responsibility for my part....I told him I've owned and admitted my part, and that frankly I take exception to his monitoring my reading materials, that I find that to be controlling to the point of bordering on abuse....that I'll read what i please and it's none of his business...that caught him off guard, he actually looked flustered and said "oh"...then launched into how I've emotionally abused him for years....I did not validate, frankly, told him he was entitled to his perception and that was obviously it, but that I had never intended to be abusive, felt I was trying to be supportive, and had no clue what he was talking about...he pi---d and moaned that I'd promised to lose weight and still needed to (yeah, duh, it doesnt seem to happen over night for me, and I only starve on alternate days)..... I am kind of ashamed of my self for the fit I threw...I was MAD....and I didnt give a damn if he liked it or not....I called ow every name in the book and referred to her infected body parts, told H I was mad as hell about getting not 1 but 2 sti's from his "friend"...he accused me of blaming him "you got an infection that everybody gets and blame me for it"...set him straight on that one...he actually hung his head and said "I don't know about that one"...I told him I was sure nurse ow could fill in the details for him.
H said he didnt know how much longer ow would be working where we do, because "they" are trying to fire her and have her on a corrective action plan and "it's just not fair"....In my compassionate spirit, I yelled "how long does it take them to get rid of the disease ridden w---e" and then we discussed the meaning of that word....ah yes, a pleasant day after christmas. The fight orginated over him being evasive over his plans to go hunting the next day;
H went to lift weights about noon (in the basement) and I decided I'd had it, packed a big suitcase with about 4 days worth of clothes, left a note that said I was truly sorry we'd come to this, that I did believe I still loved him, and came to the office (it was closed). Tried to get on the bb but the server was down, so I cleaned my desk and wrote a couple letters.... Went to pick up S at inlaws late in afternoon, talked with them about the sitch, and my belief that H was stringing me along with hunting plans; FIL knew nothing about the plans, H had told me he "probably" was going hunting with him (shouldnt be poking that bear, I know)MIL picked up the phone and called H and said his dad wanted to talk to him about hunting, H asked if I was there, FIL was evasive....I was so mad, that in the depths of poor judgement I even showed them a love letter from ow to h that I stole from him way back when....S and I left, came back to our town, I asked if he would like to go to a motel, he said no, he wanted to go "home to see Dad"...dumb question on my part... So we drove around and looked at Christmas lights for a couple of hours. went home about 9 pm....H was pretty weird that we'd been gone so long, asked me where I'd had supper, I told him I didnt (true, I had coffed while inlaws ate)...and he was really irritated about me "taking off all day like that" the next day, which would have been Monday....H stayed home (no hunting) monday and Tuesday, with talk of an out-of town hunting trip on Thursday....
Wednesday H went to his folks to cut firewood (I know he did this) S stayed at a friends Wednesday, and H suggested I pick up a "video" and "something to wear" while he was gone since we'd have the place to ourselves. Ever the sucker that I am, I picked up steak and shrimp and wine and some sexy lingerie...expected H home between 5 and 6 pm... I hopped in the shower about 5...phone rang and it was MIL, calling unsolicited (trying to help me out, I know) to tell me H had left about 1/2 hour before that, and that H had told her he WAS NOT going hunting the next morning.
My heart started pounding at that....H came home just after her call....made a point of taking me to the garage to see the firewood he brought home....I noticed his hunting clothes on a chair in the hall, and his shot gun out of the closet in the bedroom (it had been put away all day).....I couldnt act as if...my heart just fell....H said he'd eaten at his folks, so he wasnt hungry....he saw how disappointed I was, apologized; I told him it didnt matter. I felt like I was going down a drain....not too much later he started to talk about going hunting in the morning..... I called him on it. actually managed to be pretty matter of fact, not as emotional...told him his mother had called just before he got home, what she had told me....of course H went nuts, accused me of haveing his parents in on "it"...that he'd left it up to his dad to make the arrangements and he was going to check out my story with his mother....it made no sense to him that she would call unsolicited when she never had...and on and on and on....H was so furious that I knew I'd called it right....H stormed off to bed about 8:30...I left the house, drove around, trying to think what to do....came to the office and called MIL and asked her to NEVER admit to him that I'd confided in them...she swears she and FIL never will, laughed and said "let him" when I said h was going to call to check out my story, said "I'm anxious to hear his reason for needing to check" and said the last words they exchanged were as h was getting in his car to leave and she asked if they were going hunting in the morning and H said "no"....so again I knew...it was also weird, but adds up, that we were invited to SIL's newyears eve party, but H didnt want to go, "would rather stay home"...more of his plan to avoid me finding out that he didnt go hunting....he has done this before, as with MIL's valentines day dinner last year.
So, about midnight, I went home, went to bed...probably should have just gone to a motel. The next morning, H got up and fed critters, put away his shotgun, and came back to bed about 7:30...got up about 9, said he was going for a long walk to think things over..I said "what ever" but that I would really like to know what he expects me to do....H walked about 3 -4 hours, I guess he walked, I wouldnt be surprised if he called and had ow pick him up....when he got back, he said something to the effect of that he couldnt expect me to change????not sure what that meant. I asked what he expected me to do, how long he expected me to live with this, as I've told him I won't forever, and did he expect it to ever get over...H said "as far as I'm concerned it is over"...don't know what that means either.
H got in bed, we went to sleep for awhile both of us are pretty sleep deprived) and then later he initiated ml. I didnt turn him down, and we spent the whole afternoon...H commented that was what he'd looked forward to coming home to all the day before.
Since then, not much going on, we went to my folks Sat. & Sunday, and H went willingly after telling me 2X he wasnt going; I told him it was his decision, that I'd told my mom I didnt know if he was going or not, he said "thanks for asking"...
at some point in our fights over the weekend, I mentioned how depressed I'd been years back in our R, and H said "well you should have gotten help for your depression, do you have any idea what it's like to live with a depressed person?"....I looked him in the eye and said "yes I do" and he actually got big eyes and gulped and was quiet...he talked again about my changes not being real, that sometimes he reads my emails and thinks "well maybe...." I didn't respond to that bait....
I did ask him if he really had thought I'd never find out and there'd be no consequences for his little day-long jaunt w/ow, he said "well maybe, if you werent such a snoop....said he told her it wasnt a good idea and she had said it wasnt a good idea...
I told him he had an obvious need be a hero to a damsel in distress and I didnt know that I would ever fit that role very well....that if that is what he gets from her that he needs then that is where he needs to go... I asked him if he was planning to leave after the holidays and he said he hadn't been... he had his wedding ring off for 4 or 5 days, and I did ask him Friday or Saturday if he was planning on trashing it again, and he said no he wasnt, he'd had it off working out (excuses, excuses) but I noticed he did put it back on Saturday.....
So, I guess that's how I spent my christmas vacation. I'm not sure which end is up... I've had to emails from him today, not answered the last one...don't know what I'm going to do...I still love him, still want our M, but am not sure where I go from here.
I need to avoid knee-jerk reactions though, and proceed thoughtfully. I guess the first part of that is getting caught up on sleep so I can think straight. then I think I'll finish reading my 3 mlc books and see if I get any new insight, and keep proceeding with my weightloss/fitness and financial independence and decluttering goals....
I cant help but wish they'd fire the b---h here though!
However, along that line, can I say I am glad I've taken the high road and not said a word about ow/A to anyone other than my boss (who happens to be the director) and my office mate....I can see that if I had made the stink I felt like making so many times, it would be impossible for them to fire her butt!
What an awful way to spend the holiday. I am so sorry. I hope your son is doing well. What a yucky childhood memory this will be for him!
I was happy to read that you held H's his feet to the fire. I honestly don't think it does your H any good to let him go on behaving this way without consequences. And good for you for not taking his BS about everything being your fault. I think he's craving validation about that because then he can convince himself that it's true. Oh gosh, I wanted to slap him when I read about the weight loss comment! What a whiny baby, grasping at invisible straws! DO NOT take this comment to heart. It is his teenage nastiness coming to the surface. You have come such a long way and you ARE looking great. Don't let anything stop you! Did you ever consider that these kind of comments from him are an attempt at sabotage? Take some time to think about that....
Okay a little whack here for you....(you can take though, I know LOL) I do realize very well the turmoil that you felt in leaving the house....I do! BUT, I would advise you that next time you threaten you must follow through (or don't threaten at all). I think this sends false signals to him about your resolve. Kind of like "crying wolf". How about if this happens again...pack HIS bags? Why should you have to leave your home and your son?
Okay, here's another mini whack.....If it happens again try to stay calm, even though you are a wreck on the inside, staying calm will give you more credibility. Lose control, lose credibility.
Huge points with me though for staying strong. So sorry about the turmoil. Sit back for a couple of days, rest up, and monitor.
I agree with Dawn. Stick it out if you take off again. Did I ever mention that's how I got H home the first time? Was so ticked off, I just got in the car and drove off. When he called the first couple of times, I told him since he didn't want to be married anymore, then what I did was none of his business. Then I ignored the phone...and didn't come home for two days. Wish I'd known about DB back then, we probably wouldn't have had a second seperation.
Anyway...be careful about taking off out of the house for any length of time. In some places, that can be seen as abandonment of the house, and give him more legal footing if things really go south.
Hi Dawn, thanks for reading my novel...I think it would make a great Hollywood script, don't you?
I know, I need to maintain my composure...it seems to scare the bejeebers (sp?) out of him when I can look him in the eye and calmly say something... Frankly, I was so mad this last week, I was staying calm to have managed to avoid strangling him!
I did actually think about putting all his stuff in the big box and pitching it out and changing the locks. I really did. my next thought was he has so darn much stuff it would take forever!
I don't know for sure what to think, H is really truly weird, in many ways he seems happier with extended family than he has in a long long time, more contented, etc., he actually did lift a finger towards cleaning the basement, which is a big improvement for him...
at one point in our discussions, he did admit that he is still watching me to see if I'm for real...and you know, I have to admit I resent that. I don't think I was ever a real dog to begin with, in any way shape or form... It hadnt occured to me that maybe his "put-downs" are intended as sabotage...could be, that makes a lot of sense now that you mention it. And certainly they are a pretty obvious effort at justification for him.
At one point I was raking him over the coals about lying to me in such a huge way and taking off w/ow, and why he did it, and he said "well how would you have reacted if I'd told you she needed me to help her out?"....so that was his justification for that...I told him I would have rejected it as an excuse, and been angry because I would see it for what it is...an excuse for them to keep connected...H said "she's been having car trouble"....I was not real sympathetic, said "so tell her to get the damn car fixed, what are you going to do anyway, push it down the highway?" Of course, we have AAA, so he could have gotten help for her with his card. I don't know, I'm just so sick of it all.
I guess the unconditional love sure took a holiday though. I was FURIOUS............funny, I havent heard yet how much my anger scared him (that's the excuse I got a year ago). Maybe that's tonights chapter.
I don't know, I had thought we were making progress, actually thought we were on the road to making things really good back on labor day weekend when he told me they'd broken up for good.
I did glimpse in the mirror in passing this weekend however, and the thought that hit me was "gosh, you're pretty"...how's that for vanity? the thought caught me be surprise though.
Hey Nevanna! I think we were posting at the same time... I know you're right about not going back...I wonder what he'd do if I did what you did? (I hadn't heard that story before, I like your style!) I've heard about the desertion issue though, so I know a person needs to be careful. Is there an hour limit on it?
If things really went south, can he be charged with desertion for all his weekends last year lying about where he was going and taking off to shack up with ow?
Was so ticked off, I just got in the car and drove off. When he called the first couple of times, I told him since he didn't want to be married anymore, then what I did was none of his business. Then I ignored the phone...and didn't come home for two days. 
Wish I'd known about DB back then, we probably wouldn't have had a second seperation.