I'm new to the board, and have a ton of questions abt my situation. I see that I'm not alone in my issue: my wife of 11 years has never wanted to ML as much as me, and I long ago stopped initiating because of this (even before we had kids). We got to the point of ML maybe twice a month, but I had a revelation that if this deteriorated any more we would be in jeopardy of drifting apart/D. We have been having a lot of discussions (my idea) and more ML sessions but the quality isn't there. Before this, we had ended up in the situation of IF she was horny, it was great (this is usually once a month or less), otherwise she's not really turned on, I can tell, and it bugs me. She has never been very creative or experimental sexually, doesn't want to discuss what turns her on (embarassed). She jokes about me having to "follow her around like a female bear" until she's ready. What do I do? Is there anything I can do, or just trade frequency for quality? As for me, I am always up for it, and have bought vibes/lubes over the years for her (I use them regularly as a warmup along with massages and what ever techniques I can think of). I guess I'm just frustrated that there's nothing I can do to get in sync, plus it's making me think I don't turn her on anymore. I work out and run so that's not it, if I was overweight with ED it would be more understandable. She is 39 and I am 40, maybe hormones and 2 kids are making this worse but I sure would like to have a satifying love life. Help!
Have you read the book yet? There are two chapters in it that define you and your wife perfectly.
If you haven't read it, pick it up and both of you read it.
Oh, and welcome to the forum!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Haven't bought the book but read the intro on the site, guess I need to order it. I am afraid of freaking my wife out by the title, though. In a nutshell, is the approach to just keep at it and do it more? That seems to be the idea, but it seems to be alleviating the symptoms without treating the problem. Maybe that's too simplistic, I dunno..
I will tell you this about changing your relationship. No matter what your approach, it is full of hard work and tough situations. It is also worthwhile.
You BOTH need to read the book.
Don't expect easy. That rarely happens.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: Haven't bought the book but read the intro on the site, guess I need to order it. I am afraid of freaking my wife out by the title, though.
Stepping around the issue isn't going to solve it. You reading that book could be the very best thing for her to see, and when she asks you about it, you can tell her about your concerns. Make sure you say that the book isn't about improving sexual technique... it's about communication, trust, and establishing and maintaining the intimacy that is critical for a relationship's survival. Tell her you think there is a serious problem in your M, and you'd really like it if she'd read the book with you so the two of you can work on it together.
You're going to have to read the book. No, it's not that simple. There are many things that both sides of the SSM can relate to. It also gives many suggestions...not just one approach.
Yeah, you guys are right. I tried to broach the subject yesterday and got the atomic fireball response, you are right in that there is a serious problem and that this isn't going to be easy. She was furious that I could possibly be discussing my needs, even though I said I just wanted to her understand my VP and that I understood hers. I don't know how this will all work out, but I need a big dose of patience to deal with the initial stages. I want to just shut down emotionally to keep from being hurt but I can't do this. Thanks for the feedback, it helps. I am concerned that telling her there is a problem this serious will cause more trouble, what happend to you guys and gals when you confronted the SO? I also assume there a lot more HDs than LDs on the board, from what I can tell. Which is good because there is big pool of empirical knowledge.
Hey stu. My W's reactions generally fall into the "atomic fireball" category. I used to let that control my actions ... in other words, I avoided bringing anything up that might set her off. Now, my attitude is more like, "her reaction is her problem" or "what's she going to do, cut me off?" or "I need to be able to look myself in the mirror, so I'm bring this subject up for my OWN good," or "just remember to duck" or "surely she won't do anything to me while I'm driving....EEEAYYYHHHH!!!!" or "what are you, a man or a mouse?"
Women generally appreciate assertive men. Exceptions to that rule do occur, unfortunately.
The book(s) help put your mind in the right place, help you manage your emotions and understand your W's VP better. I highly recommend doing the reading. It will help you detach from those atomic fireballs better.
Karen
PS I am a HDW. I know what is to feel alternately hurt, mystified, frustrated, and angry. I just don't like the results of that cycle.
Hi Hairdog: what does your wife do now after a presumably long history of confrontations? Any changes? Hi Karen, what are the "results of the cycle"? I'm afraid to ask..sorry for the barrage of questions, this is great to talk to you guys/gals.
