Quote: I guess I should clarify that I'm delighted and happy and wonderous and grateful about where my M is now...no way am I minimizing that...I just still (happily and consciously) consider myself a work in progress!
That is very important for everybody on this BB to remember, whether we are able to "save" our marriages or not, DBing is about being a better person and I know that I have a long way to go but do not ever want to be that negative, unhappy person I was.
As always Sage, thanks for continuing to post and giving us all encouragement!
Sage, I noticed your issue about bringing "stuff" up. I have that same problem. I need clarification about something or what he thinks about something that may affect us both but I'm afraid to ask the wrong way and make him angry, so I keep thinking about it for days until I am finally all wound up and emotional and really pi$$ him off cuz then it really comes off wrong.
Or even if I just want to get his help with something, like a car problem or something like that--I am afraid to ask for help. I can't seem to come right out and ask for help, I have to beat around the bush and he gets frustrated with that. I get to the point where I think he just doesn't want to help me and feels inconvenienced by me (all assumptions) and I don't think that's it. I think it is the way I go about it that bugs him.
If you have any experiences or tips that might help, I'd be grateful to you for sharing.
Just a quick one 'cause I'm at school (a few hours until my second to last class is DONE!). I just wanted to journal.
I had a horrible, horrible day at work yesterday. It was a combination of being tired, tired of the place, sick of working against so many obstacles and then being cricized (albeit nicely) by my boss. I'm irked at my team and irked at myself. Anyway, h and I had a plan to meet for fancy drinks after he had school. I left work late and was stressed and sad on my way there.
What a bright light h is! We met up and he was great. I felt relaxed after just a few minutes of being with him (the giant drink hadn't even hit yet!). I mentioned that I had a terrible day but didn't want to talk about it because I was afraid I would start crying.
Anyway, we had a great time. On the way home he asked again if I wanted to talk. He did such a great job of listening and making me feel comfortable. At the end of the conversation he said "Please keep me in the loop about all of this. I want you to know that I'm here for you and behind you 100%. I want you to come to me and talk to me about this stuff". I swear, it was just what I needed to hear...something about how/what he said just let me know that it's ok for me to open up to him.
We also exchanged valentine's gifts. He bought me some awesome chocolates and a beautiful chenille scarf. I gave him a watercolor kit and a book on it! (He had mentioned it as an interest).
Anyway...I'm journalling this more for me than anything...I want to be able to remind myself that we HAVE come a long way in the communication dept.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: If you have any experiences or tips that might help, I'd be grateful to you for sharing.
Mollie -- just a quick hit 'cause I'm at school...here are some thoughts to get you started! I'll write more later...
What has helped me...
1. first off I realized that I don't HAVE to bring up everything to h...not every thought, feeling , nuance, whatever deserves or merits conversation..that in and of itself is liberating.
2. when I do need to bring something up I really work hard at not torquing myself up...that was a huge problem for me before...I'd stew on stuff, get all emotional and then he'd bear the burden of my weeks of angst. Even if you do spend time thinking about it in advance work really hard to not overload him with emotions.
3. I mention at a good time (more on that next) that I'd like to talk with him about xyz in the next few days. That gives him a chance to think about it too...sometimes h would tell me that he felt blindsided because I would have spent all kinds of time thinking of stuff he hadn't even considered!
4. A good time for us is NOT late at night...NOT first thing in the morning either. It helps a lot if we have been getting along (so, not when we're feeling distant or whatever). Also, don't bring stuff up when he's about to walk out the door or if you have family coming over or other commitments even though all you're doing is saying you want a conversation to happen.
5. let him bring it up if you can. if he doesn't with a few days remind him again.
6. when you DO have the conversation, keep it brief. you can always have a follow up (or more). Listen more than you talk. Say 50% of what you want to say. What ASSumptions and blame. BE DIRECT and concise.
7. You can cycle back and have a follow up conversation easily so don't feel as though you can't.
Has h said anything to you about the timing of your conversations? my h (when I reflect back) was super clear with me about what worked/didn't work for him.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage- That's great advice, especially the timing. Did you ever have to reming your H over and over again about something? I fear my H will avoid conversation with me as much as possible. Partly because if it something that could be emotional he doesn't want to deal with me crying...did you ever have to deal with that?
Thanks Sage, great advice! Especially the timing stuff. I have been working on that. Being more aware of when he is not going to be receptive. He has made comments in the past about when not to start a talk, like when he is at work or on the phone. He wants to talk in person. I cannot tell him I want to talk about something in a few days cuz he will immediately want to talk now and get it over with.
Being direct and concise is hard for me still. He finally gets out of me what I really want and says, "why didn't you just say that"? Geez, cuz I just don't know how--I realize I don't trust his response. Something might come out that I will take personal when I shouldn't.
I realize now that there have been a lot things I assumed and obsessed about that he hadn't ever thought about. I've just always believed that any change in his behaviour was something to do with me. This is a really tough thing to let go of but I work on it every day.
I haven't seen him for four days but we have talked on he phone. He started drinking again about a year ago after 10 years of sobriety. At first I was mad that he thought he didn't have a problem with alcohol anymore, but more and more I leave it up to him to figure it out. I never discuss it with him. This weekend he spent a night drinking until 6 a.m. He told me the next day he was getting all the alcohol out of his house and he was quitting. I told him I was proud of him for doing that. I hope he really means it and it just isn't the hangover talking! But, it is up to him and I won't say anything about it ever. I know he appreciates that.
I hope we can get to the point where we "light" each other up when we are down. That is a great story you have about your crummy day at work. Thanks for taking time out to help me, I sure appreciate it.
Quote: Did you ever have to reming your H over and over again about something?
You mean about things that he said he would do? sure. Sometimes 2nd or 3rd reminders are necessary. "over and over again" sounds like nagging, though!
Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? There's a great section in there about asking for what you need/want.
Quote: I fear my H will avoid conversation with me as much as possible. Partly because if it something that could be emotional he doesn't want to deal with me crying...did you ever have to deal with that?
Yes...crying has a big impact on my h. Sounds like you know a factor that's keeping your h from wanting to converse with you...so, what are you doing to work on it?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I cannot tell him I want to talk about something in a few days cuz he will immediately want to talk now and get it over with.
So, that's cool...I use the "in a few days" thing because h has told me before that he feels blindsided when I start a conversation on a topic that I have been stewing on...
Quote: Being direct and concise is hard for me still. He finally gets out of me what I really want and says, "why didn't you just say that"? Geez, cuz I just don't know how--I realize I don't trust his response. Something might come out that I will take personal when I shouldn't.
WELL...you can't control his responses...only yours. You may find that his responses are more positive IF you are able to be more clear or concise...did you ever have a conversation with someone who was just beating around the bush? VERY frustrating!
Quote: I realize now that there have been a lot things I assumed and obsessed about that he hadn't ever thought about. I've just always believed that any change in his behaviour was something to do with me. This is a really tough thing to let go of but I work on it every day.
Good for you for working on this! I can totally relate!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Just catching up after the long weekend! Work is already crappy! arrgh! Need to DB the people around me
The weekend was good -- Friday after a LONG day at school I met h for a movie and dinner. We're doing well on our "oscar" quest -- saw "Vera Drake", "Ray" and "Maria Full of Grace" this weekend!
Saturday I had errands to run then lots and lots of homework. We did get to spend some qt time, though! Sunday...brunch with sis and her family and my mom then more homework! ugh! Monday -- started with homework and then hung out with h watching a movie. I had school last night so that stunk. (What a CRAB I am!)
I'm taking h out for a surprise date tonight...I'm starting to worry that I played it up too much! Performance anxiety I guess! I'll tell you all tomorrow what it was in case h is lurking!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks, Sage--this is helpful. You're right I cannot control his responses, and maybe it isn't that I don't trust his responses, but that I don't trust my response to him. I do need to figure out how to control that. And I do need to work on being clear and concise and saying what I mean.
