Don't worry about painting a bad picture of her. We all know we're getting one side of the story here. I do have to ask something though...she's shutting you down pretty hard it seems. And it seems she's taking things to an extreme...like with buying a Christmas toy, saying you'd probably buy a dildo...that's inappropriate and hurtful intentionally. I've got to ask this, any chance of an affair on her part?
No chance. In fact, one of the things she said to me last night was that if she wasn't so fat (her words), she would have an affair. I don't believe that she would - I think she's just saying it to be hurtful.
FYI - I managed to get in to a counselor tomorrow morning. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will help. I'd love to just print out everything here, or e-mail it to the counselor, and say "read this". Would save us a lot of time, I think.
Gremlin wrote {{I'd love to just print out everything here, or e-mail it to the counselor, and say "read this}}
Gremlin, All I can say "me too". My W accused me of visiting porn sites and I said DB.com was a forum related to the books that deal with troubled relationships. W did not like me reading "Boundaries In Marriage" last night. So many times actions or words are missinterpreted.
Although I do not have all of the problems you describe in your R, I have many of them to a lesser degree. W says some outragious things then is pleasant a day or two later. I have to stop her sometimes and it has done some good when I stop her attacks. I have been woring on the boundaries thing for about a year. Our boundry issues have improved but there are still flare ups.
It is better to Stand up for yourself if your W crosses the line than to keep the peace. Have boundaries and enforce them consistantly. If she gets angry, that is her problem, not yours. Most women say they want a man that understands how they feel. From what I have read add to that if you are a wimp you can have all of the feeling in the world, you are still a wimp. Spouses would rather have someone that stands up for what is right ot fair in a relationship.
Extreme example. If I had an OW and she left her H and kids for me, I would not respect her, no matter how much she confessed love for me. It just is not right to leave your kids. Just as it was not the correct thing for your W to have with held the information about the STD she had from you.
Gremlin, Keep posting. Your situation will not be solves soon. Buckle up and hang on.
Gremlin, FWIW I am male, Married in 1968. Crap started in 1981. Up/down since. Had enough Jan 04. Still at home.
OG Lou. Learning through insights that others have.
I'm so sorry about the pain that you are experiencing in your relationship. There are some very wise people on this site. They can help you even if the R continues to be difficult. Your W sounds like someone who has significant personal issues. They aren't because you told her about visiting prositutes in your past and they aren't because you view porn now. I support those who suggested getting rid of the current DVD mainly because I support closing our Exits with each other. However, that being said, she is being pretty tough on you. Don't worry about long posts. I like them.
I don't know where/when specifically...just that it was between the end of her first marriage and the start of our dating. Our sex slowly tapered off, if you could consider a two year period as "slowly".
There's no doubt that she's really angry - she has a very low view of porn, strippers, and prostitution in particular. She feels they are all degrading and demeaning to women, and doesn't want any part of it. I personally would prefer not to have any part of it either - I'd never go to a prostitute again, haven't been in a strip club since I left the military 8 years ago, and haven't been involved with porn until this recent DVD.
Call it typical male behavior, but after years of nothing but seeing her entering/exiting the shower or changing, I really wanted to look at women, naked women, exiting women! I don't place them up on a pedestal and say "I wish my wife could be more like her" - but unfortunately, they are the only "action" I'm getting.
I don't know whats worse, having your spouse hide their body from you for fear of desire, or having your LDH parade in front of you naked alot of the time and being turned on by it, but not allowed to touch which is what my H did for years.
which is what my H did for years.