My Christmas was much quieter than yours. I still haven't started my car or tried to get out of my driveway. I intend to do that this afternoon.
My neighbor M was staying home for Christmas and invited me over. Then a couple with an 11 year old son that is straight across from me talked with M and asked about bringing their food over to join us so the five of us had, (we called it), a neighborhood Christmas.
It worked out pretty well. I hadn't done any decorating this year and maybe in a way I was trying to put Christmas in the back of my mind. When I went to M's and her house was so nicely decorated I did feel sad about D not being with me. But at least it didn't last all day and we had a nice time together; joked about we were standing in our Christmas gifts to ourselves this year with our new houses.
At the end we took turns posing for pictures of our first Christmas in our new houses and snowed in!
Dreading going back to work tomorrow, especially as I haven't got the car out yet!
Hope things work out well for you and D.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I think there are two kinds of love in a marriage. One is a "selfish" love - the part that wants the spouse to love you to make you feel good, that's angry if they don't give you that love that makes you feel good. This is often the place where the anger of betrayal comes from - they went away and took away those good feelings you got from being loved by them. Holding on to the "selfish" love isn't good for you, or particularly helpful to DBing efforts either for that matter. "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" is connected to this. Some of your continued "love" for D is really just connected to this pain and maybe to the fact that you haven't quite built your life up to the point yet where you are receiving those good feelings from others.
Feeling the "selfish" love will only hold you back and keep you in the drama and the mud
I have really done lots of introspection at the times I am hurting or feeling anger at D and J since Ellie posted that to me.
She is right. The hurt and anger seems to for the most part be coming from memories of things that I enjoyed that D and I did together at this time of year; that now I feel J is enjoying doing with D. So there is also jealousy most definitely involved along with the loss of the good feelings that being with D brought me.
Quote: It is so much easier to do this when you fill the holes in your life, wherever they are, so that you no longer feel like you "need" your spouse or ex to fill those spaces for you.
I think this is probably very accurate as well. I am a bit of a homebody and that allows too much time to think and dwell on the loss of D's presence in my life. Also I'm not sure doing things with other people gives quit the same feelings as doing something with someone you are in love with, if you get my meaning. That added dimension is missing! There are things that are more enjoyable with a friend who has an interest level to match your own, but there are other things that are just more enjoyable with someone you have those in love feelings for I think.
Now the trick I suppose is to fill my life with enough other things that the things I would want to do with someone I love don't monopolize the thinking patterns.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Ok, I haven't been able to pin down the self talk or thinking that gets me here, but I have a lot more trouble not being down when I am at work versus when I am at home.
I wish I could figure out a solution to this feeling.
I guess I know, when I start feeling down just talk back to the feeling and chose NOT to feel down. Easier said than done sometimes.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Sorry it seems the whole thinking process is getting posted today but if I can lick this one I think it is a biggie for me!
I realized I was feeling stuck and in a rut and I said, No, I'm no longer stuck or in a rut. My life is my own to chose what I want to do or not do, what I enjoy or don't. It is mine to make of what I will and I need to set some goals to aim for this upcoming year!
That was something I never understood when married to D. He never, that I was aware of, sat any goals or made any plans. It is like his life was only day to day existence. But I need something out there to aim for and look forward too!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think I was led to Betsey's thread! This is a post from Wonder and I think it is just the jump start I may need.
Quote: OK, now I feel like I'd better have something good.
Seriously, though, I'm blessed with some friends who are committed to their own goals and make their livings helping other folks get there. So this is what they've helped me with for the past couple of years:
1. Ending the year by making a list of all you have accomplished--there must be at least 25 things, big or small. This year, I actually kept track on my computer all year long in a Word document. I needed a place to go for a momentum pick-me-up.
2. Then, pick your goals for the next year. And be realistic-- not a laundry list of everything you ever hope to be. But one big one with mini-goals, or goals in specific areas of your life or something manageable.
3. Sharing the goals with people who will support you and who will actually ask you how you're doing with them. (For me, this usually means emails of good resources or casual questions that force me to admit I haven't done anything in weeks on said goal).
4. Coming up with a systemthat you can deal with. I use the notes page each month in my calendar to make my lists. I've learned three things about what works for me-- it needs to be in my face, it needs to involve my penchant for writing stuff down and it needs to be fun not an ordeal.
So each month, I list my 5 little fear challenges (I talked about this on my thread), 4 or 5 things that are sapping my energy because they need to be taken care of (I am a skilled procrastinator), and then I list out some subgoals for the month for each of my goal areas.
Sometimes I need to carry them over to the next month when I am a slacker... but you know, it reminds me that they aren't going away until I do them.
My girlfriends use some other good strategies-- one spends 30 mins. a day doing something toward each of her big goals and another takes each goal and breaks it into the smallest possible steps and crosses each one off as it happens and rewards herself accordingly.
I say, do whatever works! And forget about being perfect at it and be sure to give yourself credit for all progress made.
So that's all I've got. Hope it's helpful in this year of being our better selves.
wonder
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
9. Touched base with some old friends I hadn't talked to in a while.
10. Started seeing a counselor.
11. Have started getting the kids health care caught up.
12. Tried agility with Tara.
13. Hosted two small parties at my new house by myself.
14. Got a home equity loan on my house.
15. Enrolled Frostbyte in an obedience class that starts in January.
16. Survived and I think handled pretty well, settlement conference at the courthouse, when thought no way I could do that.
17. Drove to Louisville and parked in parking garage for the Christmas play.
18. Hired two different attorneys.
19. Hired moveing company to move part of my stuff, not something I would have been able to do in the past.
20. Called and talked to D's attorney's assistant twice, this last time about getting FB's papers signed for me, since D no longer communicates at all.
21. Climbed the ladder and got in the attic to get my Christmas stuff from the house on PK.
22. Went shopping for blinds by myself, picked and ordered some dealing with the sales person.
23. Have finally detached from D and realized that all the problems in our marriage weren't caused by me!!!!!!!!!
24. Had some up and down dealings with G as I discovered some communication problems that I have that I have carried forward and worked to deal with him more directly to address my communication issues and not damage our friendship.
25. Got my van repaired this summer and this fall got new tires for my car.
26. Partially dealt with the salesman at the car dealership where dad bought the van
I know this isn't really an accomplishment. BUT I stood up to my ex friend when I did what I did in my van at PK. The cowardly Pam that always ran would never have done what I did, even though I can't remember deciding to do it.
The incident I feel like had a galvanizing 'impact' on my life.
I had to find another A, his wife just happened to be friendly and going to school to be a C. She directed me to the counseling service I called about starting to see a C and she has been helpful several times since. We may go out for lunch tomorrow!
So even though it was D*MN expensive, just under $4,000.00, she went to a dealership for repairs and I'm sure had an expensive rental. It has had some positives come out of it.
I am looking at it as that is the $4,000.00 that D gave me in the settlement. So in a sense he paid for my incident with his tramp!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
That added dimension is missing! There are things that are more enjoyable with a friend who has an interest level to match your own, but there are other things that are just more enjoyable with someone you have those in love feelings for I think. 
on my life.