Thanks! I don't know how much faith to put into dreams but this phrase is wonderful--
Quote: mental trick of simultaneously working towards a happy future without your spouse and working towards a happy future with your spouse is the only way to be successful,
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
As someone said, everything in the dream is YOU. IMHO (and from my study) dreams contain encoded messages from you to you... the content of which is impossible to face consciously. By encoded, I mean encoded the way art is, the way a poem is: symbolically. Everything in the dream is a symbol of something that is YOU.
So my take is that your dream daughter's death ("ceasing to be") is your unconscious mind telling your conscious mind that she is "ceasing to be" enough to hold you together. In neither dream are you the agent of her death. She is simply in the path. This event (her ceasing to exist as a reason for you to stay together) is simply in the road where you will encounter it.
Dreams are very hard to interpret. If we could think these thoughts consciously, we wouldn't have to dream them.
BTW hd, I'm reading a beautiful book on Buddhism called "Radical Acceptance." Contrary to what the title sounds like, it's NOT about just putting up with crap no matter what. It's about self-acceptance and sticking with that through a thought process (meditation process, really) until we find what is at the root of our resistance and desire.
Thanks to all who have commented. No bad dreams this weekend that I can recall. JJ, I really liked the simultaneous approach you mentioned, toward futures with W and without W. I suppose I have been doing that subconsciously anyway for about the past 6 months. Lillie: the interpretation you mention sounds a bit closer to the one my friend had. I am not sure whose is more close to the "truth," but I am clearly going through some conflict.
This weekend, W just seemed rather distant. No fights, no overt anger, just a baseline level of distance. When she came to bed last night, I was reading and she started talking to me about a case she has. I did not put the book down, but when she asked questions, I provided simple answers. A couple of her questions were pretty technical in nature, and outside my area of expertise with the law. I suggested some people to ask, but basically said that I had no idea what the answers were. After I put down the book, turned off the light and went to bed, she was still talking about her job. I suppose I could have looked at this as an opportunity to engage her in conversation and maybe close the distance gap which had been evident all weekend. Instead, I decided that I didn't really care about closing it--especially not at bedtime on Sunday night. I finally told her that I needed to get to sleep, and she stopped talking.
I suppose part of my new-ish comfort level with ending her talking came from my refusal to play along with her 11th-hour and feeble attempt to get close after a weekend of distance. I suspect that she tries to be distant during the weekend because it is the one time during the week when I actually might try to initiate intimacy. I just don't feel like playing that game anymore.
My plan is to tell her fairly soon (either during our vacation to Wisconsin or soon after) that I intend to move out of the bedroom if things don't improve. By "things don't improve" I mean if she doesn't agree to a schedule. I will live downstairs for about a month, and then, I'm considering moving out of the house altogether and into my mom's house, which would greatly complicate matters for everyone, but I think it has to be the next logical step. I have to show her how serious I am about this. At the best of times, we're mere roommates. At times like this weekend, I feel even less close than that.
As for custody matters, it is entirely possible that she could try to move out of the state, taking DD3 with her. This would hurt a lot of people, including DD3's half brothers and sister. I don't think she'd do that, as her business is doing well, and, when she is calm and sane, she realizes the importance of DD3's relationship with her father and the rest of the family. There are certainly some worst-case scenarios, but what happens, happens. I'm still quite committed to making the marriage work. It is still goal number one. I just feel better having some contingency plans in place.
HairDog, This is a little off of topic for this thread. I just finished reading "Boundaries in Marriage" I had about the same opinion you had. I posted the parts that stood out on FF's thread. I do not know it the post will help FF or anyone else.
The “You get what you tolerate.” struck me. You and FF poped into my mind when I read it. (applies to me, been working on that part)
Your thread has gotten quite somber - very unlike you. Thought I might lighten things up by mentioning the perfect gift for Mrs. Hdog. Drugstore.com has a cd of "romantic music" with subliminal sexual messages.
Personally, I just could not stop laughing. All I could think of was myself fresh from a bath in the pheromone bubble bath, in new lingerie, playing the cd, skin prickling with excitement only to have H say - Oh, I'm too tired to move my little finger. I'm still cracking up.
Somber? Hold that thought while I open another browser tab (thanks, Firefox) and go to drugstore.com.
Oh my goodness. For more info on this series of CDs, go here. If only they would work. Apparently, you can't just play the cd in the background as "romantic music" and it transforms your spouse into a nympho. They have to listen to it, as it contains some kind of guided imagery. I can only imagine asking Ms.Hdog to listen to it.
H: Hey, you might want to give this a listen. W: (examining the CD) Or I might not. H: What's the matter? Are you afraid to unleash the sexual animal within you? W: No, I'm afraid you've confused me with someone who gives a sh!t about your sex life.
Still, it's an interesting product. I looked and was unable to find any reviews of it. BTW, there are also products for women with LD hubbys. Honeypot, do you think you could get him to listen to a CD titled "Wild Stallion for men"?
Someone buy this and let me know if it can work. Unfortunately, until I can read a credible review, I'm going to put it in the same categary as Avlimil, Horny Goat Weed, Maca Maca, and the various other non-prescription "cures."
I think HD is showing "resolve." I have little doubt that he will retain that nutty humor we all so appreciate here. The dreams were an overwhelming experience and now you are coming up with steps to deal with your sitch...wtg! Remember that with all resolutions, persistence will be the key...hope 2005 turns out to be a good yr for you...sounds like it will definitely be one of growth.
Lou...thanks for the info on the Boundaries book...I can't bring myself to read another self help book. One of the things I had to reconcile was the fact that my H could be so challenging, neglectful and hurtful, until I realized I did the same thing ( more in the past) and that it was up to me to take care of myself in this marriage.
IHJ - I'm with you. Since I am diligently trying to quit being the relationship monitor and trying to live my life instead. Therefore, I MUST quit reading self help books unless they apply to me - NOT the relationship.
HD - yeah - I can only imagine presenting my H with such a CD when he has clearly stated in the past that he hates presents that seem like "suggestions" (e.g. an unrequested treadmill for an overweight partner).
Nonetheless, I got a considerable amount of entertainment from just picturing what would NOT HAPPEN as a result of purchasing such equipment.
It's about self-acceptance and sticking with that through a thought process (meditation process, really) until we find what is at the root of our resistance and desire. 
They have to listen to it, as it contains some kind of guided imagery. I can only imagine asking Ms.Hdog to listen to it.