I need to take a deep breath here. I am definitelly taking into consideration all of you guys have been saying. I feel that he's been a realy good husband and I might not have been able to tell you that through posts because I was concentrating on the alien I live with now.
I am scared to death to say either OW or me (working on R) because he already told me that he wants out. But that's a sort of DUH thing! We wouldnt be here (well most of us) if our WAS wanted to work on M with all they got. A lot of us are here because we are THE ONLY ONES that want to save the marriage due to the fact that WAS are blinded by their emotions and can't think straight Then again mine might be a lost cause.
I will call phone coach and see what he/she tells me. Confronting OW is a bold move and that's my last resort, just as telling my H that he needs to end it to work on our R I know that I would lose the battle at this time.
Quote: He definitelly shows appreciation for everything BUT sex - he is nice about it, he hugs me afterwards and he only says things that he says when I press him to let me know what's going on (when he sighs or something).
Ahh, Crushed - you're in for a rough ride, no matter how your situation goes. Let's just walk through a few things.
Your husband came to you and did some variation of the standard "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" proclamation which often announces an affair.
You recognized that the big issue has been the frequency of lovemaking. You've been willing to do something about that.
It appears that he decided to use your willingness to change, as an opportunity to demean you sexually (I may have interpreted your posts regarding that incorrectly) and treat your roughly.
After your sexual encounters he pushes you away emotionally.
Discussing a divorce, seeing an attorney, even filing for a divorce - isn't a divorce. So, while I suspect he had started his affair well before you got the divorce talk, he chose to engage in the pursuit of this affair WHILE STILL MARRIED.
You're a young woman. I am really concerned about you having unprotected sex with your husband. There are stds out there that can appear symptomless, yet leave a woman sterile. And then there's herpes, which is incurable and leads to an increased chance of cervical cancer. So, in my opinion, there's so much more than your marriage at stake.
Your husband has effectively checked out of the marriage. I read where the two of you had gone to 4 counciling sessions, however it was negated by his actual motive.
Your husband is actively pursuing another woman right now. He may deny that he has had sex with her, but you can't believe anything he says right now. He is hiding his communications with her. You already know she exists, you already know he's pursuing her, so what could he possible be hiding from you except the fact that he's screwing her?
I'm not much on gamemanship when it comes to human relationships. So, if it comes to "winning" strategies, I'm not a good source. However, this is how I personally would want to pursue this -
"Hubby, I recognize my contribution to the failure of this marriage. I'm sorry that I have been oblivious to your needs and desires. I'm sorry that it took something as devastating as a possible divorce to make me realize the extent of your unhappiness. But I *know* that we can recover from this. I know that you don't feel the same way for me that you once did, but I also know that love can be rekindled. Those feelings *can* return. We've been together X number of years, and I think we should try at least once more to make this marriage what it should be.
So, all I am asking from you is 3 months (or whatever amount of time you choose). 3 months in which we go to marriage counselling with a counsellor who supports marriage. 3 months in which you do not contact the other woman in any shape, form or fashion. 3 months in which I am the wife you always wanted me to be. 3 months in which we are accountable to each other for spending x number of hours each week with each other. 3 months in which our email, voice mails, appointments and cell phones are an open book. If after 3 months you still want to divorce, then we can proceed."
I think I should've started the whole thing with that and now I am afraid is too late for that talk. I will have phone consult tomorrow and will let the coach know about the different approaches offered and the ones I've been thinking of and see what he says. I know at this point that my H would not give me the 3 months - in his head he was fighting for the M for past 3.5 years (the whole time we've been married). I guess once I'm at the state of mind that I'll be okay with or without him I can do it, at this point I know I would be rejected and I can't deal with it. I still want this M to work.
Having said that I will print out your "talk" and use it when I feel ready. Thank you - although not at this time your post has been extremely helpful
