I understand the decision you have made. You are young and will recover completely from all this. The scars will eventually become hard earned character.
I want to encourage you to continue to relax about this. Even a divorce will take time.
Your husband is saying bizarre and hurtful things to you right now. There will come a time in the future when the brain chemistry he is being influenced by will fade. When that happens, he is going to revisit a lot of what he has said and done. It is going to be hard on him. After that happens, the relationship between him and the other woman will likely fail. Very few relationships starting from an affair make it long term. He really doesn't know what he is sacrificing to be with this woman.
What is really sad is that this woman is no more special than any other person on the planet. He is enamored with a 'feeling', not the woman. Very sad indeed.
Please keep us posted as things progress.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPkins, thanks for the kind words again. Check out my SCARED link for the latest update. It's a long one and messed up (weekends seem to be doing it to my sitch) so I don't want to repeat myself.
I don't know what the opinions are here about spouses and other persons. In my opinion, anything the wayward spouse says or does while they are in continued contact with the other person, is suspect.
Actions that match words are what count. If your husband says that he wants to work on things, and he then breaks it off with no contact - that means that his email password, cell phone and all other communication venues become open to you. In essence, his life becomes an open book to you. Only then would I believe that he really wants to work it out.
You must understand, he will do anything he can think of to make himself feel better about what HE is doing. In truth, for the wayward spouse, little to nothing of what they do, arises from any consideration whatsoever of the betrayed spouse.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
That is not good news. He never said he wants to try to work on M - he said/admitted that he was testing himself to see if he can do it but always finished by saying that it did not work, he did not feel any different that there is no hope. His actions are very messed up - he would cuddle with me when napping and he would not shy away from physical contact but once done and over with he would always make sure that he lets me know that his feelings did not change and that he feels uncomfortable about what happened.
He does not want me to snoop around he feels very angry when he realizes I did the snooping. At this point I'm trying so hard not to check his phone when I see it lying around with him not there. I will be home tomorrow and I could check his ocmputuer for e-amil (excpet this time he would know I did it plus it would probably hurt me immensly - I think this is why I feel the way I do because I saw those horrible e-mail to her and his parents). He was really disappointed and thought of it as tasteless when he said that he thinks it's just bad that I peacked into "people's private conversation".
I know that ignorance will not make things go away, I can't tell myself that he is not having an A but at least if I don't know details they will not hurt me.
What do you think of his current behavior though? The tantrum, the "blessing" to get hooked up with "cute guy", the affection when cuddling, the sex, the words, the "friendliness" ?
He is having an affair. He wants to have his needs met by the other woman AND YOU. He wants to not feel guilty about using either one of you.
He is using you. He is using her. It is ALL about him.
What should you do? Stop having sex with your husband. Stop noticing cute guys for right now. SET SOME HARD BOUNDARIES with your wayward husband.
I know that your needs are not being met right now, but you will have to put them on the 'back burner' for right now.
What you need to do is to make a plan with a very clear path for yourself.
Again, you must ignore 'signs' [friendly, cuddles, affection, stand-offish, etc] from your wayward husband. Every time he makes love or cuddles then rejects you he is in effect saying - "I AM USING YOU". Stop letting him use you. Set boundaries. Stop trying to read his self serving moods. You are wasting your time and emotion.
You can, of course, choose to stick your head in the sand. Just understand that is a choice, and you are effectively choosing to let your marriage end.
Your husband is having an affair. Face the truth head on and decide what you want to do about it.
If you want to know the truth about your husband, then snoop, because he DOES obviously have something to hide.
Until you decide what you want to do with your marriage, my advice is unlikely to change.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have to speak up and say I COMPLETELY agree with NOPkins on this.
You have choices here. You can choose to allow him to use you, or you can choose not to. The facts here are very plain indeed. He's having sex with you...and another woman. Why would you allow that to continue? You don't have much control over his continuing to have sex with the OW...but you do have control over whether or not HE USES YOU. Which is it going to be...USED or NOT USED?
I know you have many things you're trying to take into consideration right now...and you're overwhelmed. Keep in mind though that he will probably let this go on, and on, and on...you can put an end to it. What's his motivation for ending things yet? For that matter...what's your motivation for continuing the charade?
Why would it really matter if he knows you know about the e-mails and the phone messages? It's just proof-positive he's not ended things. In my view, he needs to be called on the carpet about it.
I remember too that you mentioned you were worried about the house. Well, if you need his income in order to pay the household bills...what about a roommate? They really aren't that difficult to come by (and I do mean upstanding people)...would that help? Get the mortgage paid for the month then kick his butt out! I know that sounds mean, but he can run to her.
I know that both NOPkins and I sound harsh, but we're telling you how we see things.
You CAN get through this, stay strong, keep your resolve...and don't allow him to continue using you.
I still desperately want to save my M. I love my H and I'm working realy hard to not allow negative thoughts affect my willingness to fight for the M. I don't have proof that he has been having sex with OW. I don't have a proof that he hasn't been either.
When I ask him what is there that I could do for him he says it needs to be in action - actions will show him that I am "trust worthy". He keeps talking about always having hope.
Denying him sex is what got me here as well as not verbally showing him my love (his love language seems to be words of affirmation and physical). I have fear that if I stop having physical contact with him he might see it as I really don't want it and that nothing has changed. I'm going to call DB coach and see what he/she thinks about the situation but I was also thinking about saying to him: I would really want to have sex/ML to you but I can't do it when you are involved with someone else. I desire you all the time and I would love to show you just how much but you have to be honest with me...(okay, this is where I get lost - I don't feel I can demend him to finish things with OW since he wants the D and he does not want me so I don't want him to view it as pursuing but then on the other hand how else am I suppose to have him change things?)
Quote: actions will show him that I am "trust worthy".
Huh?! He wants you to show him that YOU'RE trustworthy? Oh honey...are you not able to see how twisted that is? He has broken the trust here, not you. I don't care if you did withhold sex in the past...you didn't have an EA. That is horribly manipulative of him.
If you truly think this marriage even has a shot at being recovered you both will need to seek counseling...and he will have to discontinue the EA.
Quote: I would really want to have sex/ML to you but I can't do it when you are involved with someone else. I desire you all the time and I would love to show you just how much but you have to be honest with me...
You have every right to have this convo with him...and it doesn't have to be in a hateful manner. Putting things in one the line tells him that you still want him but that there are conditions...conditions are ok. Affairs are a condition for D.I.V.O.R.C.E
I guess the way I'm seeing it is he's setting the situation up to have the outcome that he desires...and that's to end your M. But he keeps trying to make you out to be the bad guy...I mean afterall, it's you're fault he's having an affair isn't it? At least that's what he's telling you...and honestly, you seem to be buying that crap too.
Keep in mind that because you've done something in the past that he views as bad doesn't mean he can walk all over you either...and that's what he's doing now. Remember someone who is assertive and confident can be very attractive to a man too. Has he ever seen that side of you? For that matter (and I don't mean this as an insult) do you have that side to you? If not, you might want to bring her out and polish her up a bit.
Quote: I don't feel I can demend him to finish things with OW since he wants the D and he does not want me
Ok one more time I have to say HUH? He really does have you confused doesn't he? YOU are his wife and regardless of what may have happened between the two of you in the past you do have the right to demand he discontinue the R with the OW. Remember your marriage vows? Why have them if he's going to do this?
Whatever happened between the two of you in the past is no excuse for him to do what he's doing now...stop blaming yourself, because that's what you're still doing. I know that's a hard thing to stop, but you must. YOU do need to stand up for yourself...really.
I think calling a DB coach is proabably a good step for you...but it's going to take a lot more than that.
I know I've been harsh, but I want to reiterate that I'm just calling it as I see it, errrr ....read it.
Quote: I don't have proof that he has been having sex with OW.
If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck . . . .
I'm all for fighting to save a marriage, but, fighting to save a marriage with him?!
It sounds like this dude has miraculously made lemonade out of horsepoop. Here he is, busted for a DWI, putting your joint marital property at risk, fooling around with a stripper, getting wonderful emails, making big cash withdrawals, etc., and he's telling you that YOU need to be "trust worthy"!!!?
