I started this thread for you so that we didn't hijack dark270's thread.
cNJ wrote: -------------- I'm not sure if you're misreading things. After all I'm too close to the forest to see the tree. I admit that I am so in love with my H that the thought of loosing him or having him be happy with someone else is killing me. But that's his right and I'm not a good person if I don't give him the chance to be happy - even if it's not with me.
When it comes to OW - the tough thing is that they are co-workers. He sees her every day regardless of him seeking her out or not. Since the meldown he had last Fri he sure saw her at work but I don't have proof about anything else. He knows that I can see the statement on his cell phone and he thinks I can read his text messages so since that time he barely uses the phone. I don't take it as the sign of him not communicating with her - I'm not stupid! They can see each other face to face, they can talk on the company phones, public phones through email etc and they can survive the evening/nights/weekends without contact if they want to if they don't want to have me know about it. On the other hand, why bother? He already filed for divorce, it's not like I'll be able to use that against him in the court procedure, he has been saying he's been starving for attention and feeling wanted and needed for a very long time now so why stop now when he is getting it?
Too many confusing things happening. I will take care of myself thought, I wil take the advice and go with my gut feeling. I have a feeling that whatever is to be is already writtent somewhere I just need to allow the wave to carry me there with the least pain caused to me. --------------
As long as your hubby is in contact with the other woman, recovery of your marriage is going to be very difficult.
Is the other woman married? If so, it is high time that you contacted her husband and told him what is going on. Do not discuss your intentions with your husband. If you husband has told you that her husband already knows, or that she is single, don't believe it. Find out for yourself.
You said that he has filed for divorce. Have you seen the papers? Do you know his lawyers name? Again, find out for yourself.
A few ground rules.
Do not leave your house as in moving out.
Do not sign anything yet. If he produces papers, you are under no obligation to sign them.
If he does produce paperwork, then hire your own attorney. Do not use his.
Your marriage is not over. You give up on it if and when you decide to, not when someone else tells you to.
Calm down. Don't panic. All this is probably going to take a while.
If he tells you that the sun is shining, have a look outside for yourself before you believe him. Adopt this attitude regarding trust in him, at least for the foreseeable future.
Put a safe emotional distance between you and him for now. That means that you smile, nod, be nice. No yelling, screaming, or cussing. Do NOT be a doormat . Keep him at arms length, but in a nice way. If he tries to pick a fight, smile and walk away. Make your boundaries very clear in what you will tolerate from him.
I highly recommend that you tell him that he will have to be tested for STDs before you will have sex with him again. Tell him in a concerned way. "Oh honey, I really want to make love to you. The last few times have been incredible, but I really feel uncomfortable since I am unsure of your involvement with [other woman]." If he claims that he hasn't been physical with her, tell him again in a nice way that you need for him to be tested before you will feel safe.
No matter how mean he is, try to respond in kindness to him. Do NOT, however, let him treat you badly. Enforce your boundaries.
While you are getting accustomed to this new behavior, make sure that he sees you naked as much as you can without being overly obvious.
I hope you can see the behavior picture I am painting for you.
You can still possibly win him back if that is what you really want. Please consider if he is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. In all honesty, he doesn't appear very likable to me right now, and I haven't even met him.
Oh, and don't just let the wave carry you wherever it wants to go, make it carry you where you want to go.
If you like, we will talk some more.
All the best. -NOPkins--
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I've just gone back and read through several of your posts on different BB's. With some of the responses you've received on the different BB's I have no doubt you're feeling TERRIBLY confused at this point...who could blame you?
For the most part I have to agree with what NOPkins says...and add this to it. When it comes to sex, if you choose to continue (which I wouldn't if he's still seeing OW)...don't do anything that you are uncomfortable with and that's not true to you. Lets face it not everyone can perform anal sex, for some it's just too painful. And when someone continually asks for something you aren't able to do (and perhaps the OW can) it's humiliating as well.
I definitely agree that you should insist he be tested for STD's. You aren't using condoms and you know as well as anyone else that he's putting YOU at risk too.
It's very obvious to me that you love your H very much and that makes your situation very difficult, understandably. But use common sense in this situation and protect yourself as best you can...consult an attorney for what you can do to protect yourself legally/financially. And, if I were you until you know there is no OW in the picture, and he's been checked for STD's...I wouldn't be having sex with him either.
I'm sorry you're going through this. But try to take a step back and look at the facts of what's going on in your M as objectively as you can...write them down if you must. He made the choice to have an EA, blaming you is just an excuse on his part...HE MADE THE CHOICE. Lots of people have marriages that are lacking in one aspect or another...but they don't cheat. Don't let him use you as the scapegoat
I'm not sure I was of much help here...just wanted to chime in and give some support.
I don't know much about OW. I know she is foreign (so am I and my H is a succer for accents) and that she has some family here (the way my H got close to her was to help her deal with her father almost dying of alcoholism about 6 monts ago - he never talked about it when it was happening so I'm sure he was getting involved with her emotionally at that stage probably even without her knowledge). She lives in the city (Brooklyn), I know her first name and I have her cell number. That's all. I am assuming she is single (I still have part of trust in my H that he would not get involved with married woman because he sees that R as hope to stop his pain and what hope can there be if she is unavailable for the long run? Unless she is planning to D herself). I don't realy know how to get more info on her. I could call his co-workers but they would tell him about it, I don't know anybody there that would be just on "my side".
You don't need to know much about her to put your foot down with you H now do you? And as far as being sure she's not married...I know you want to still harbor some trust in your H...but set that aside for now. There are many men who have EA's with married women. That happens every day unfortunately.
I believe what the majority of us on here are trying to say to you is protect yourself legally/financially & healthwise. He's done/or is still doing something and has been blaming it on you...he chose the affiar, you didn't go pick her out for him. And believe that he may be asking you to do things sexually that she does for him, things you aren't comfortable with...and that is controlling behavior.
Are you intending on having him tested for STD's or are you going to turn a blind eye to the fact that he may be passing these on to you? You don't know who this OW has been with, and that's the truth. She may look like someone who looks squeaky clean and couldn't possibly have STD's...but lets face it, you can't tell by looking at someone. She may have had something passed on to her by someone else, then your husband gets it. It happens A LOT!
You have every right to make a clean bill of health from him a condition of further sex. That's not withholding, that's protecting yourself...and that's just a smart thing to do. I'm sure he won't like you requesting that, but that's too bad! He went out on you, and probably still is...why should you trust that he doesn't harbor these things?
It's really important that right now you don't give him too much credit. I'm sure you want to give him the benefit of the doubt...but lets face it, the doubt weighs pretty heavily right now.
You're absolutely right. If we ever get physical again I'm making him wear a condom despite how good it feels when he's not. I will tell him that it's for protection for both of us. I can't trust him (he knows that) because he is not telling me everything (he said it himself) and therefore we need to estabilish some trust by having tests done (I just had mine the other week). He did mention something about going to the MD to check out his MR happy because his understanding is that the tip should have the most sensation where as he can barely feel anything there and most of it is underside. He said it's always been like that but he wants to know. Where should he go to get tested? I think it would be a good way of having him do it without freaking out too much
Quote: he is not telling me everything (he said it himself) and therefore we need to estabilish some trust by having tests done
Ok, gonna be blunt here for you ok? "We" don't need to establish trust, you haven't done anything. "He" need sto establish the trust. I believe I know where you are coming from when phrasing things this way...but it sounds like you're still taking responsibility for his A. CUT IT OUT! The responsibility falls squarly on his shoulders...ok?
Also, how are you going to establish trust if he's not telling you everything. He's still hiding things, that won't build trust.
Let me put it this way by continuing to have sex with him while the OW is still around, or in question...you're allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. Why?! I know you love him, but you aren't doing yourself any favors and you are only allowing him to get away with this behavior.
You do know you deserve to be treated better than this right?
I know I can be blunt, but sometimes that's what we all need
Read you loud and clear. Especially that I've done some snooping again and found picctures of OW as well as e-mails. He told her that in the he's been creating things with her in mind, she is his inspiration. I also found one that said how happy he is because the paperwork (D papers) are going through and it looks that he will be able to save the house and have some money for fun. Another e-mail I found was to his parents saying that his mom wanted him to send the picture of OW. And all that time she was telling me that he has no one and that she hopes that our M works out. What a bunch of bull! I guess the whole family is messed up.
So, I'm going to have to work really hard to be able to be with him under the same roof. I'm angry but also calm at this time. I believe that I have not reason anymore to work on that M. I hoped that after his melt down he would at least be curt and stop things from developing but the e-mail about her being inspiration on the project that I was helping him with and the fact that even his family knows and seems to approve of her makes it that much cleared for me that I should no longer invest in that R. At this point I need to take care of myself. I need to make sure that he will not screw me over financially (that will be the day where the two of them can have FUN with money that was mine) and physically. Psychologically the damage is done. I need to take care of it myself.
I suspected he was still involved...don't assume his family does know though. Remember you're reading his e-mails, that could possibly just be him spouting off to her. They may still be clueless...know way of know that for sure.
However...I would most absoulutely be seeking out a very good attorney. Don't sign anything he gives you until your attorney looks it over and you agree with it! I'm sure I don't need to tell you that...just felt I had to.
I'm so sorry this is the way things are going for you. But you do deserve better and from what I've gathered from your posts...you can definitely do better.
GEL I already have a L and I trust him. He told me he won't let my H $hit on me and that's what I need. When it comes to his family - come on! His mother wanted pictures of her! What would be possible reason for anyone's mother asking her son who is married to send in the picctures of some coworker! I can't forgive her for pretending to be on my side (althouth that would explain why all of the sudden she seemed distant and not at all concerned that he is not even planning to go to psychiatrist which could possibly allow him to see the things for what they are) and for me feeling that she cares for me and me carying for her in return. I can't call her and say - I know you knew because he send you pictures - they would know I snooped. I can only do that if he figures it out and calls me on it.
Anyway, chances are I'm unable to think clearly through anger, I've done that before but I definitelly am dropping the rope and detaching full force. In my heart I know that this will not work out. I start to doubt that I trully want it to work out after all that. It's quite possible that my situation is not the worst there's been and there still was a happy reconciliation in other instances but it's not that I'm not strong. It's that like you said: I deserve better and I cannot be selling myself short.
I will talk to the psychiatrist about those feelings and see what she has to say.
