Hey LL, I just wanted to respond to your post here.
I have had NO luck in getting my H to agree to a night where we spend time together, either. Alone, with kids, after kids are in bed--doesn't matter. He is completely resistant to the idea of scheduling ME into his daily routine. I have no idea why. I think he sees me as one more chore, ya know?
HOWEVER, I have been talking with him about the scheduled sex and he is warming up to the idea a LOT. I had to phrase it just right but he's...dare I say it...even getting somewhat excited about trying it. Not thrilled, mind you, but eager to try.
This is a big change from 2 yrs ago when he flat out refused to schedule sex.
Look at it this way: What do you have to lose by asking?
Honey
P.S. I phrased it this way "we are both busy, this will give us time to get excited about it, if we know today is The Day, and there won't be anymore hidden expectations and disappointments."
It was wonderful to read about your successful nite. Last yr, when H and I agreed to the Sat. nite date night, we had so many mixed feelings about each other ( anger and resnetments from the past) it was a way to "force" ourselves to confront the intimacy on a regular basis. The nights did not always go smoothly but we kept the ritual. You may not have as difficult a time since you and H have been doing a lot of communicating anyway. In other words, I think my H and I did it backwards...having the sex then figuring out what the issues were.
We are now at this really cool place because we look forward to the date nite and it's usually very nice. I can sense that we like each other again. Had we waited to try to work on our conflicts before attempting a sex routine, I think we would have gotten nowhere fast. You are now doing both things ( communicating and sex) and I bet you are going to be having some pretty great moments ahead!
I read something recently that talks about scheduled sex and how important it is today with everyone being so busy. I haven't formally asked for a schedule, but now I make sure that my kids are asleep nice and early a few nights a week. Last night I changed our light bulbs to red. I think my H really liked it. I keep looking for new and exciting ideas since this was one of our major issues. I recently bought Dr. Ellen Kriedman's lighthisfire videos. They gave me some really good ideas and talked about affection. She mentions the need for humans to be touched. I now make sure we have at least a 10 second kiss at least twice a day. Glad to hear that your scheduling is working!
I had to approach my H several times about the "scheduled sex" too. At first he was really resistent to it...as Honeypot said...what do you have to lose?
I'm going to continue to post on here as the weeks go by...just to give updates for those of you who don't believe in scheduled sex
Hubby came through again last night for me...it was very quick and really not very satisfying for me during the act itself (BTW he'd been hunting all weekend and was exhausted too.) He's made more improvements however, which is what I'm going to choose to recognize.
Yes, ladies & gentlemen...my H actually tried something new for once! We didn't have the traditional him/me on top for once...which btw is the reason it didn't last very long, I think. For the first time he actually agreed to doggie style, which he liked VERY well indeed!
As I mentioned it was over very, very quickly....and he felt bad about that (although he did attempt to take care of me a bit beforehand), which I could tell. But instead of letting the resentment take over that it wasn't earth-shattering sex, I chose to acknowledge the fact that he tried something new and let him know how much I really appreciate him keeping to our schedule, that it means the world to me that he is willing to do that.
I also did my best to assure him that for now, I'm not so concerned with the length of time we ML, we can address that later (if that issue doesn't work itself out.) Right now I'm just happy that he's making the effort to get close to me. And so far, I haven't had to remind him once about our "fun night".
Some of you may think this is great progress, others may think it's no progress at all since it's not the type of sex I really want. For me however, it's great! Each week, he relaxes more sexually speaking....just this morning he actually joked about coming home from hunting and "gettin some." He'd NEVER do that before...sexual comments wouldn't even think about crossing his lips.
Also earlier in the evening we sat down to eat dinner in front of the tube (him in his recliner, me on the sofa)...when we were finished he got up from where he was sitting to sit by me and snuggle...this is another thing he just doesn't normally think of doing...but he did it on his own, no prompting from me. Yes, I was sitting there thinking, "it'd sure be nice if you'd get your butt up and come sit by me."...but this time he actually did it...I didn't say a thing.
I really am beginning to believe that our scheduled nights are having chain reactions...as far as how he interacts with me now. He's becoming more physical towards me during everyday activities, now he's starting to just sit and snuggle a bit with me.
Now hopefully I can keep my mouth shut and not push too hard. He needs some time to be able to grow comfortable with what he's learning and to be able to see that it's a safe place to go where I'm concerned. Although I did bring up after we ML last night that eventually I would like to increase the frequency. He's the type of person who doesn't like surprises ( he says he doesn't mind change, but in reality he balks at it) so every now and then as he improves I'll bring up increasing the frequency...so he won't be so surprised when it happens...and who knows, maybe the way things are heading...he'll beat me to it (I hope.)
I guess that's it for now.
Any input or observations are as always....welcome!
GEL
That's great news, GEL. By this time next year, I'll bet he's goind to suggest buying the Liberator. (I think that's what it's called...some system of special wedge shaped pillows, looks pretty cool).
Week #5 and the hubby came through for me again (no pun intended). No it wasn't mind-blowing, earth shaking sex...this time it was pretty much just to keep the schedule. But for me just having the physical contact and the fact that even though my H was exhausted (we both were really) he still made the effort meant quite a bit....but then I choose to recognize the "effort" as meaningful too.
To be completely honest with you I was fighting sleep myself...and he really could have just waited me out if he really wanted to but he didn't. He even recognzed and apologized that he wasn't "enthusiastic" about it, but that it was just because he was tired (fyi, he'd been outside in the cold wind on a tractor all day working on our property)...I'd say he was justifiably pooped! I was just proud of him for not using it as an excuse this time to put ML off.
Saturday he surprised me yet again...Mr. "I don't like to talk about sex" actually asked me what my fantasy was. Then told me that of course he couldn't guarantee anything if it included whips/chains...but that he'd give it a shot. To be really honest with you guys he surprised me to the point that I couldn't respond...yes, he actually shut me up LOL. He has absolutely no idea how simple my "fantasy" is at this point...but I will tell him. I should have told him then, but I couldn't get the words to come out (that's something I'm working on myself) I'll get a chance to revisit that conversation tonight or tomorrow and I'll let him know....my fantasy is simply to have him come to me to initiate, without it being a "scheduled night"...just completely suprise me and to be honest ML in my favorite position. I'm sure once he does this my fantasy will change
I'm not sure if it's a combination of our scheduled sex and his C that prompted his question or whether it's actually attributed to either...perhaps it's just him coming out of his shell. Either way...he surprised the heck outta me!!
I can tell you guys one thing for sure. Since we've been having our scheduled encounters we have become closer emotionally/physically. Something as simple as hugs even have more feeling behind them. Obviously we're not at the point that I would like to be...yet...but I can truly feel a difference in the EC that we have and I believe he feels it as well, he's loosening up "emotionally speaking".
Last night after we ML we were joking briefly about some people who would want to do that daily or more than once daily....he said to me "I know...you're thinking "I wish!"" To which I replied "no, not really...that's never been me. I've never wanted that type of frequency so I hope you don't think you have to live up to that." Even though I've told him that before, this time he seemed to really hear me.
Now, I know there are MANY of you who would LOVE to have sex daily...but to be honest, that's not me...which is probably why I have been considered LD in other R's. I am quite content with 1-2 x's per week, which is what I told my H last night. I also jokingly reminded him that as of last night we had ML almost twice as much as we had last year. He replied "oh man, that's sad!" LOL.
So, like I said...no, we aren't yet having the type of sex that some people would find "acceptable"...but right now the benefits of our scheduled sex far outweighs...none.
GEL - Looking forward to a much happier Christmas than last year
What is the frequency that your husband wants? 1-2 times a week does not seem to hard to get to. I would guess that you and your husband don't have far to go to compromise a solution. Most of us HD guys out here would KILL to have a women that wants it twice a week. We just want a woman that can actually THINK about sex. I guess there are HUGE differences in sex drives among women.
LOL. He has absolutely no idea how simple my "fantasy" is at this point...but I will tell him. I should have told him then, but I couldn't get the words to come out (that's something I'm working on myself) I'll get a chance to revisit that conversation tonight or tomorrow and I'll let him know....my fantasy is simply to have him come to me to initiate, without it being a "scheduled night"...just completely suprise me and to be honest ML in my favorite position. I'm sure once he does this my fantasy will change 