Just thought I'd post a bit of an update. As I've mentioned earlier...my LDH finally agreed to having a night (or two) a week on our calendars for sex. Doesn't sound terribly romantic...but it's definitely a place to start.
And you know what...it wasn't as "unromantic" as I thought it would be. I figured I was going to have to coerce my LDH into having sex as I always have...but I didn't. We had been watching a movie in our bedroom (Shrek 2...terribly romantic, I know...but funny!) and had been doing some very light petting while watching. I was surprised to find that once the movie was over my H enthusiastically removed his PJ's and just sat there with a childish grin on his face. He was actually looking forward to this. Whew!
It didn't last long...how could it when we've both been holding it in for so long...but it was very nice. There was more passion in that time than we've had in a year of our marriage.
I truly believe that by making appointments for sex...it takes the pressure off of my H to have to be spontaneous. We can work on that later (one thing at a time)....right now I would just like to work on the frequency and the quality.
The main reason I post this though, is for those people who really have a negative outlook towards "scheduling" sex. It's a place to start..and if you can really give it a chance and get that negative feeling of its not spontaneous, or it's not romantic or passionate while you're ML to your partner...then it can really turn out to be quality sex too! Things heated up for us pretty nicely as things progressed
Hi there Actually, I got him to agree to it when I finally got to the root of our problem...which was basically his lack of self-confidence sexually speaking.
He'd been beaten down sexually and had learned to go without sex for indeterminate periods of time. Basically it came down to he didn't feel safe initiating sexual contact...because in the past he'd been squashed severely and many times at that.
I had been told several times by him that he'd ask me for what he liked/wanted when having sex as he learned what he liked/wanted. One problem though...we never had sex...so how's he supposed to learn. Basically that was my argument that got him to finally agree to it.
For us scheduling sex does several things.
#1 It takes the pressure off of him having to initiate right now. #2 The good/great experiences will help build his sexual self-confidence #3 It will help to build a stronger sexual desire for him with time. He'll learn to recognize his sexual desire then learn it's safe to initiate with me. #4...the most selfish reason of all...it gives me what I need on a regular basis.
I'm sure if I sat down and really put some thought into it I could come up with several more reasons that scheduling is a great place to start.
I cannot stress enough though that going into it the HD partner has to really try to leave that chip they normally carry on their shoulder (you know the one...the geesh, why can't they just show some desire chip.) on the bedside table.
If you as the HD partner go into scheduled sex with a resigned feeling of "Great! Here we go again!" your partner will feel it. I know I could tell a difference in my H when I just let go last night and enjoyed the contact. At first I figured it would be the same old same old...but it didn't end up being that way.
Way to go, GreenEyedHappy-'Cause-It's-My-Day-To-Get-LaidGirl!
I agree with your reasons for scheduling. I think it will make a huge difference in your H's sexual confidence. Once that happens, he may turn out to be "Charming".
