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H didn't come home this morning. I'm really worried. Actually, I'm freaking out...

Things were fine when he left last night. I called to tell him goodnight, and he was very normal--sweet, affectionate--on the phone last night. I know he came home for a little while. I remember he walked the dog, and came in to give me a hug and kiss. Then he said he "would be right back" or was "going out again." I don't remember, exactly. But I got the impression he wouldn't take long...

I just got up for work. He's not home. He's not answering his phone. Him coming home this late wouldn't really be unusual...but I do need the car to go to work (the other one doesn't run right now). And he told me last night that the roads were icy. It wouldn't be unusual for him to have fallen asleep at a friend's house, either, so I tried calling his phone a whole bunch to wake him up. He does have a bad habit of leaving it in the car... (I've seen him.)

But I'm worried. He knows I need the car to go to work. And he's not answering. It wouldn't make sense for him to have found some woman to spend the night with, so I'm not worried about that. I'm afraid he may have gotten into an accident. I know, I know, no assumptions...but I'm really, really worried right now...

So...H just called. Did I ever mention I'm always emotional when I wake up??

Anyway, turns out he thought I had the day off at work. I had told him yesterday I asked for the afternoon off to get my license straightened out. (What pain in the &^$@!) So he when he went out last night, he bumped into some people he knew, and wound up going to a party... He had a little to drink, and apparentally, fell asleep. Poor guy still sounded asleep when he called me. He felt bad, I could tell, since I was pretty worked up when he called me. Especially when I told him I was trying to go to work this morning...

So...I'm glad he's okay...just wish I would have known where he was headed. I'm not mad at him or anything.

I'll post last night's argument when I get into work...

I was late to work this morning. Then, when I get there, my manager asks why I even came in...guess he thought I wouldn't be here this morning, either. Sheesh. (I do have some stuff I need to get done.)

Anyway.

When I got home last night, H was very cuddly and affectionate. Brought up the whole baby thing again. Very sweet.

At some point, I fell asleep on the couch. Okay, pretty much passed out. Don't remember much, except H trying to wake me up to watch a TV show and then later to go to the gym with him.

I sort of woke up when he was headed out the door. The thing is, I don't wake up very quickly or very well. And, especially when I've dozed off and not had enough sleep, one of two things happens...I either get really upset, or really b!tchy. Not trying to make excuses, just saying that's what happens to me.

I mumbled something, and reached for H. He stopped, asked if I wanted to go. I said I did. He said he would wait for me, and I got upset. Now, again, when I'm this out of it, I tend to get emotional. He kept asking over and over if I wanted to go. I did. Was I going? No.

I think we had this annoying conversation for fifteen minutes. However, I was still mostly asleep...and wasn't comprehending very well what was going on. I really wanted to go, but I was afraid that he was going to be impatient with me, and start yelling or get mad. Of course, I wasn't communicating that very well. Okay, I probably just didn't, since I was asleep. I don't wake up well.

So H did wind up getting mad. Well, duh, I was being all wishy washy and annoying. Said he had tried to get me up for an hour, and then he tried to be patient, but that he was mad because I was taking up his gym time. And that this was incredibly important to him, and I was keeping him from that.

I respect his right to be mad at me. But, I really felt he was being unreasonable. It's not like I was pushing his buttons on purpose. But, I have to admit, he really was trying to calm down. I could see it.

Well, when he got irritated with me, that finally woke me up the rest of the way. I told him I did want to go, but that I was afraid of his being angry and yelling at me. He said he would wait, it was okay. I was still a little teary, but I went to get my stuff.

Well, then H saw the clock, and declared I had ruined his time at the gym, and it was too late for him to go now. Which...just set me to crying. Again. (Once I start, it takes me a long time to calm down...) Which just made him madder.

I think we went around this one a few more times. He really was trying not to get angry...but then he just lost his cool. Went storming in the front room. I stayed in the bedroom and cried. Stayed there for awhile. Then I heard something glass break.

I didn't go out of the bedroom, but that got me irritated. I know he has a temper, and I know he was trying to keep under control, but that's just not acceptable. I waited awhile...don't know how long, and went into the other room. Told him I had a problem with that kind of temper. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to go to counseling. He asked if I was going to leave him. I said no.

H told me, even when we first dated, that he has a temper. He doesn't like it; reminds him of his father. He has told me in the past, when he got into arguments with his family, that he has broken stuff. There was one incident where he punched a whole through a door. While it was open. And another time he punched a whole in the wall of his mother's bedroom. But, he has only ever been that angry around me once...when he was in full-blown WAS mode. And even then, he didn't hit/break anything.

Now, he has never, ever, actually gotten that mad around me. (Again, he was in the other room, and I'm just assuming the glass wasn't an accident.)

I left him alone then. He was still mad, but calmer. The last time he got really worked up, I didn't leave him alone like he had asked. Decided to get some hot tea. Sat down at the computer.

He must have cooled down, because he asked me to come sit with him. So I went over there. He layed his head on my shoulder, put his arms around me. Said he wanted to talk. I said okay.

So he told me all of the things that were bothering him. Said he didn't understand why I always stop him from going to the gym. (Not true...) That he felt like I was literally tieing him down to a chair, and that it was really important, because now he felt fat. H has gained some weight (I think he was stress-eating while we were apart), but he's nowhere near "fat." Actually, we've both gained...not enough money for TKD lately.

He then said he couldn't handle when I get that upset. It just drives him crazy. That he was trying to be understanding, but that he can't handle when I don't give him a concrete decision. He also said he can't walk out of the door on me when I'm that upset, because it really bothers him. And, that, he was tired of me making him feel bad everyday. (????)

That confused me, so I asked him what he meant. He said "It's always something"--TV, radio, something. He said he knew I was traumatize, he didn't doubt that, (and somehow, the way he said it, I felt really trivialized) but he just hated that I'm so emotional. (Geeze, and I thought I was doing well...grrr...give me a little credit...) I tried to get a better explanation, but he went on to other things.

I wanted to get defensive, but I shut my trap and listened and validated. Kind of like biting my tongue. He obviously wanted to talk, so I was going to let him. I want him to know he can talk to me. I can't remember what all else he said. Just that he was really upset about the whole gym thing. That that's his big anger release, which is why he gets so uptight when he can't go. (Does make sense...and it made me feel better he realizes it, and is working on it. Actually, he's worked on it a lot in the last few months.)

I was still uneasy. Him being angry doesn't scare me, just reminds me sooo much of when he was in walk-away mode. It's like, once he gets that worked, I'm actually expecting him to take off out of the door again.

After I posted last night about having the fight, he did give me a big hug and tell me that I had nothing to worry about. So that helped.

I debated calling him after he left. (He said he needed out of the house, wanted to go out, which is fine.) I wanted to call him and get more reassurances, but I didn't think that would be productive. So I sent a text saying "Have fun. ILY." Then, I decided to call him anyway. Not to pester him, but to tell him goodnight. Which is what I always do when he goes out, and that's why I decided to do that. (And not bug him!)

He sounded happy (and very normal) when I called him. I think he was glad I called to tell him goodnight. We didn't talk long, because he said the roads were icy. It took me awhile to calm down enough to go sleep, but I wasn't feeling nearly as wound up as earlier.

I've noticed, interestingly, we both do the same thing. When I get mad, I want some time to myself, and then I want to approach him. But, when I'm mad, he wants reassurances from me. (Which is hard for me to do, but I try.)

When he gets mad, he also wants some time alone. And then I want reassured. Sheesh. But I did a better job of staying backed off last night, and he calmed down quicker.

I do think I pushed too much last night. No, I'm not taking the blame for his anger. Just not entirely happy with my own whininess/tired/pushy whatever attitude. I do have a problem with the whole glass thing. Again, I didn't ask, I'm just guessing... That's not okay. But, I told him last night I find that unacceptable. He has told me before he doesn't like his temper. We'll see from here.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today. Not so worked up...kind of not really as bothered by last night anymore. Minor drama this morning, but nothing serious. He even looked half-asleep when he got in. (Made me a little late to work, but oh well.) He was concerned that he had upset me, but I told him it was okay.

So, I'm leaving work early today to try to get my license straightened out. Still. This is driving me crazy.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Still no license. So, the clerk at the courthouse calls me back this morning. Apparentally, I sent the money order to the wrong courthouse. Never mind it was the same county! I took the afternoon off of work, got H to drive me around. Well, we get to the courthouse, and the one person who could help me...took the afternoon off. So, no form from the courthouse, no license back.

Well, we've been out of insurance for a week now, which concerns me. Especially with more snow coming. So, we go in to a local insurance agent to see if we can just get H insured. Turns out he can't get insured because my license is suspended. Since we're in the same household. Well, they at least referred us to an independent agent...who...managed to dig us up some (more expensive) insurance. So at least the cars are covered! Sheesh, what a mess. This is driving me crazy. (Oh yuck, just realized that's a really bad pun...)

I was in a pretty grumpy mood, and was complaining. H was being really sweet and cheered me up. I told him he was awesome for driving me around, since I drug him out of bed early. He told me he didn't mind--that it's part of his job. What a sweetie. He also said that it sucked we were having all of these problems related to my license, and what a mess of BS it is. I told him I'd rather have these problems than problems with us. He agreed (enthusiastically) to that one!

He also asked, while we were driving around, if I thought we were "fixed." I said yes, and asked if he felt the same way. He also said yes.

H also brought up the subject of his temper. He was talking about it casually, but did say he missed Tae Kwon Do as that was a big anger release for him. Without it, all he has is the gym. I told him I would try to get our debts consolidated, and that then we could probably afford it.

So...I was right with my approach. I told him last night that I had a problem with his temper. He obviously had put some thought in it to bring it up. We discussed in a normal conversation...like how we would talk about what we're getting for dinner. No need for yelling or pushing on my part...no need to force a heated discussion to insist on solutions. (The way that feels the most natural for me.) I just mentioned it, and he thought about it, and we have some ways to maybe deal with it...

So I was reading through some stuff here. And I ran across a post JinBklyn over in Newcomers. Really struck me, so I printed it out. H asked what I was reading. I was hesitant (keeping in mind that I "remind" him too much), but said I would tell him if he really wanted to know. He said he did. I told him it was something on affairs.

I could tell he was irritated, but he was also joking with me. Kind of rolled his eyes, and said he was sick of hearing about affairs. (Aha...caught my example of "reminding" him...) I said it was just information, and information helps me feel prepared. That it helps me deal with things. He said it upset him. I said that was fine, but to just let me deal with it in the way that helps me. He agreed.

As I read it, I kind of laughed at one part. He asked what was funny. I told him in the article, it talks about how it's a bad idea for someone to play the "rescuer" with people outside of the marriage...which describes him. I always call him Bruce Wayne. He protested that that was just part of his character. I told him he only needed to rescue one person....me. He said he couldn't help it. I just joked and said "Too bad, you're stuck with being married to me!"

So...I got something across to him I've been wanting to say for awhile. He does this all the time, and it drives me nuts. But, now I've said it, non-confrontational, and he can think about it how he wants.

Wanted to add this last night, but ran out of time when we went to the gym.

It finally clicked with me why I have this need to talk about, and read stuff about it and think about it... It's my way of incorporating everything into our story. In a way that makes sense with me. The more I go over it, the more comfortable I am with everything we've been through, and the easier it is for me move on. (Does that make any sense??)

I went through this period, for awhile, where it didn't even feel like some of this stuff happened to us. I could barely remember living in his apartment (the one he kicked me out of) or when he used to work at the bar where he met xow. Didn't seem real, didn't seem like it could have been us.

Well, now that seems to be incorporating itself in. But we've put lots of good memories in there since then, where we're like we used to be, and that helps me. I figure if we can make it through that mess, we can make it through anything.

H has been doing a lot of playing around lately, not being the responsible adult. I honestly don't care. I did the same thing for awhile. I make enough money to take care of us, and that's all that matters. Eventually, I know he will do the mature adult stuff and join the army (yuck...but that's what he wants) and go to school. But I can't blame him for wanting to just run around and play video games and just do whatever for awhile. I did that my last year of college...realized I could borrow enough money I didn't need to work, and then just did whatever I wanted for those four months. It was great. Yeah, sure, I'm paying that back now...but I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I know that's what he's doing right now, and I wouldn't take that opportunity from him, either.

Interestingly, H brought up his anger again at the gym. I must have bothered him some, the other night, when I said it was a problem. He said, again, he felt he needed TKD as an added stress relief. And, when I thought about, he was much less stressed and temperamental when he was going to class.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a nice weekend. We just got more snow...bleh...I hate cold weather. One of these days, we're going to move to Phoenix. (And buy a house...and have babies...) I can't wait!

H totally caught me off guard when he came home from work last night. (Although waking up to see his face when he came into the bedroom is always nice. ) He asked me if I had been upset. I said no, and asked why he thought that. H said he saw the photo album (wedding) on the coffee table, and wondered if I had been cheering myself up.

I told him no. That I had been watching Will and Grace on TV, the episode where Leo and Grace get married. And, that Leo looked really hot in the tux...and then I remembered how hot H had looked in the tux...and dug out the pics to see it again. Unfortunately, the pics didn't do him justice...but they were nice to go through again. (Although this shows me he's not as insensitive as I was thinking he was the night of our fight.)

I ran across something on the BB's that did get me upset. About finding love emails to an OP. Why today this bothered me, I don't know. I never know what's going to trigger me. But I remembered how I had run across this letter he wrote to xrm. In which he said he loved her. He's dismissed it as nothing...basically that I knew he had a crush on her, and at the time he was just trying to keep her there as a roommate, and how he doesn't write well anyway... Well, the whole thing never sat well with me, anyway. Although he did make a good point about the fact that he didn't think anything of it, or else he would have taken it out of my binder. Whatever was or was not behind the letter--and it's irrelevent now--it still hurts. To see my husband write ILY to someone else.

But...I had promised H I was going to try harder to not remind him of things. So, I kept my mouth shut. Figured if he caught on that I was upset and asked, I would be honest. But, otherwise, I wasn't going to say anything. Instead, I went over and gave him a huge hug. Must admit I got kind of clingy...kept going to him for hugs and kisses. He noticed and even commented that I seemed clingy, and I agreed. But I didn't tell him why, and he didn't ask, and eventually I got it off my mind. Without having to upset him in the process.

Later in the day--I can't even remember what we were talking about--H just says "I'm sorry about the glass." I didn't skip a beat, just said "It's okay," and kept right on talking. But, answers that question. It must really be on his mind, as much he's mentioned it the last few days.

H commented that he's much happier now--kind of like he surprised himself. All throughout our relationship, H has been kind of a grump at times. He then said that, often, he's angry because he's hurt. I told him I knew that...I had figured that out months ago... Actually, learning that helped me a lot in dealing with back-and-forth moodiness while we were seperated.

When we went to the pharmacy to pick up my BC, H commented that I could just not bother... I told him there was no way we could pay for a kid right now...nowhere to put one either...but it was a nice thought.

And, then, while we were running errands, H starts saying how he can't stand to be without me. (Translation: he didn't like living apart.) That he didn't like it. I asked him if I had done or said anything to "remind" him--since the other night he claimed that he only got upset when I did--and he said no. He told me again he was sorry. He's actually been pretty sensitive most of the night.

I have my appointment with the doctor on Monday to see if the abnormal growth was completely frozen off. H admitted he is a little worried. I'm not so much worried as I just don't want to go through that nonsense again. I hated it. It was horrible, uncomfortable...I felt unattracive, and was unable to ML for close to two months. And when we did again, we had to start slooooow and gentle because it was still uncomfortable. Yuck. I do not want to go through that again.

And, worst of all, H won't be able to go to the appointment with me. His car is still busted, and three trips to and from my work is just silly. I'm not a big fan of this type of doctor visit, and H does make me feel much better, but I guess I'm going to have to go this one alone.

Guess I've had a lot on my mind this weekend.

Told H last night I had felt a little neglected the last couple of weeks. He stopped what he was doing, we moved to the couch, and had a good, long talk. Said the last thing he wanted was for me to feel neglected. ( ) Although I think the lack of attention has been due to the fact that he just got Xbox live, and has been obsessed with the new toy.

So...I decided to try and figure out what sorts of things make me feel happy, loved, and content in the M. (And then I'll do what I think are H's.)

Me

Touch

Touch is definately my primary. I love to cuddle, hold hands, the whole bit. Doesn't even have to do with sex. H and I match completely here, which is great, and I usually get plenty of this one, so no problems.

WOA

I crave these. H doesn't seem to be too natural at giving them, but I know he makes an effort. I realize sometimes I "set things up" for him to respond, he just doesn't always.

For example, last night I was going to take a shower, and I realized I needed a towel, but there weren't any in the bathroom. So...I walked by H in the buff. The goof didn't even say anything, until I stopped right next to him and was like "Hello!!!" LOL! He looked up, grinned, said he'd noticed, and just not said anything. Which...is pretty typical. He usually registers it, but doesn't comment.

Sex

I feel closer with sex. Maybe not the norm for a woman, but definately true of me. In all honesty, I would like to have more with H (he's rather LD), but I know he's made an effort to keep me satisfied, and I appreciate that.

One thing we did figure out, is that our hormones just seem to be on a different schedule. When I'm really, really interested...he's not. And then, when he is, it's the wrong time of month for me.

He also tends to be the most interested at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. When I was working part time, he used to consistantly attack me when I got home. But now, I get home closer to 6...so, oh well. I'm not as bothered by this anymore, because we do ML much more than we used to.

Quality Time

This is not a huge deal for me, but I need some of it. What really seems to click for me is doing new things together. Like going out to a new club. We are planning on taking a cooking class together (which we've been talking about for months), and I think it will be great time together for both of us.

I also need to have H's attention on me. This is not a huge need. I don't need a lot of it. But, there are times when I just need some complete and undivided attention from him.

This has been a little lacking lately, but not too much. I think I feel a little under, since we haven't been able to lift weights together at the gym since I hurt my shoulder. No, I never saw a doctor for it. It's getting better, I can do a lot more with it, but pressing and all that good stuff is just out of the question for a while longer.


Intimate Conversations

This really seems to hit the spot for me. I like to talk about deep feelings, and interests... H said he's a dweller and I'm the talker, so maybe talking about our M problems isn't going to work for him. I think what will help is if I can get these conversations centered around other things. I can recall when we were first dating, and going through the phase of sharing dreams and memories, that really increased a sense of intimacy for me.

I don't seem to need a lot of this, but every two or three weeks or so, I need a good dose of just conversation. I've noticed this works on anyone with me...so I need to up these with H.

I think this is the only major difference between H and I.

Other

I'm not a huge AOS person. H is, and I appreciate it when he does it, but it's just not natural for me. I think this is probably our biggest conflict, although it's more a problem for me than him.

H

Touch

Definately his primary, as discussed above. He loves to get massages...which, unfortunately, I haven't been able to do as much lately since I hurt my shoulder. He might be feeling a little deprived because of that, but I don't think too much.

Acts of Service

H is a huge AOS person. For people he really cares about, he will go waaaay out of his way to do things for them. I try to make sure and thank him--usually some WOA --when he does stuff ro me. I know he enjoys the acknowledgement.

Again, this just doesn't feel natural for me. Before I understood what this was, I used to feel used and unappreciated when he would ask me to do things for him. He's always asking me to get him a glass of water or help him get ready for work. It doesn't bother me so much now, since he told me that these sorts of things make him feel very loved. And, since I know I'm appreciated (even though he doesn't say it...I would love the WOA), I don't feel as used.

Quality Time

He is much more quality time than I am. This is probably why he has been dieing to try the cooking class together. And it's why he's always asking me to run around and do errands with him. Although, yes, I usually do have fun with him. So I will let him drag me out at times I would rather stay home.

WOA

H says he's not big on WOA, but he does seem to like getting them from me. Told me last night that I'm the only one he's ever believed when I told him I thought he was beautiful. And I know he likes getting my sappy little vmails and text messages. I like to leave them for him when he's at work...and then he comes home all happy and affectionate.

Sex

Doesn't seem to be a huge priority for him, although he does have his days. LOL Yes, there are times he wants to ML to be close to me. Actually, when he does initiate, it's usually because he's wanting to feel close to me.

H did tell me that I've managed to increase his drive. ( ) I think it's a comfort thing for him...the more comfortable he is with someone, the more he's interested. He's tricky, though...often I he's unresponsive when I initiate. And it's hard to get him to initiate. I'm learning that he doesn't often like to admit when he's really, really in the mood. So I'm learning how to read his body language. I think he feels selfish when it just comes down to his being horny...but geeze, that's fine with me!!! lol And when I'm picking up on the cues...well..then I'm trying to be more agressive during those times, and stay backed off the rest of the time.

Although, again, he's making a huge effort to keep me satisfied. I have really, really felt deprived in this area in the past.

Other Shtuff

Neither of us are gift people at all. Although, and we both are this way, when it comes to Christmas or birthdays, we usually do want to spend the money or get something special. I'm often actually uncomfortable when people try to give me things--althgouth I don't know why, and H seems to be the same way.

One other thing that I've learned works well is to just be straight forward. Kicking my passive agressive tendencies is one of the best things I have ever done. When I feelt neglected, I just tell H. When he's in a bad mood or seems withdrawn, I ask if it's about me, or if he's just tired, hungry, got something else on his mind...and he'll just tell me. And then, I don't take it personally.

And I realized something else over the past few days...I no longer have this need for H to "make it up to me." Don't care, don't blame him, not angry anymore, don't want him to wallow in guilt. I see him as a person with flaws, very human flaws, who made some mistakes. And learned from them. I love him very, very much, and even though it still really hurts at times...I'm just not angry anymore.

H did tell me last night that he was worried about joining the army. He was afraid of getting hurt or of it affecting our relationship. His oldest brother (BIL1), when he was stationed overseas, worked with career military men, in special forces, who were on their third and fourth marriages. I guess that really scared H. H said he has even considered going full active, if it's something that he likes.

I told him if he wants to be active, then do it. That I would go with him. I am in a flexible career, and I want him to do what's going to make him happy, as well. And, I told him that we are different. I am different than those other people. I don't give up so easy. (Obviously. ) That made him smile, and he told me how much appreciated that.

H called psycho. He's decided to take a road trip for a couple of weeks. (A whole different story there.) And now he wants the money she owes him.

Whatever, I know she owes him money, but I was just happy she was gone. I guess she finally called him back today. Asked questions about me: "How's your wife?" "How's the baby?" (Guess she still thinks I'm pregnant...) "How are things goin?" Gee, I wonder why she's so interested??? (Heavy sarcasm.)

I guess he's supposed to get the money from her Friday. But, whatever. I'm betting she doesn't have it. And just wants to see him. After she hadn't called for two months!! Great.

And she was asking if she and their MF and H could all get together for dinner before he leaves for the army. Yeah, riiiiight...



Sorry, just venting. I told H I was upset, and he said that once he gets the money out of her, he'll just let me answer his cell phone again. Since it apparentally worked before. So I'm not really mad at him. It is like him to hold a grudge...

Just needed to vent...

So I've been feeling a little...off...the last couple of days. I think because H has been feeling off.

Last night, after I'm home, H and I are talking, and he said some stuff that really should have been innocent--but I got worked up anyway. The problem is, he said three or four things that were almost identical to what he said before he left the last time.

That he's "feeling funny," it's "not you," and "I'm not leaving," "this is different, I'm talking to you about it this time." Seriously, heard the exact same thing almost a year ago. As a matter of fact, he sent me the sweetest, nicest vm a week before he kicked me out, saying he would always love me, and never leave me. And, then, he just pulled further and further back, all within a week.

So, I'm having a little anxiety. I told H last night, the only thing that would really calm me down was time. To see he's not taking off again. I also told him--not sure if this was a good idea or not--that I am not doing this again. Just won't happen. Yeah, I know, getting worked up over nothing.

H was very reassuring. But, strangely it wasn't helping. Maybe because he was before? Sigh.

I'll calm down. Actually, I'm not nearly as worked up as I might have been in the past. (And that was, probably, part of the problem.)

I did tell him last night that I thought his road trip was a good idea. I pointed out he always gets cabin fever this time of year. And, that he probably just needed some time to himself to think things through or whatever. He liked that idea.

I had told him at one point yesterday that it did bother me that he could just up and leave. I don't have that much time off, and I have a hard time justifying spending that kind of money.

Then...I decided I should just go somewhere myself. I am a tightwad. Too much of one, actually. I worry waaaay too much about the bills. I feel better when I can learn to let go, and enjoy a little for myself. So, I decided that I am just going to leave on a Friday after work, and get back on a Sunday. That'll give me all day Saturday somewhere, and I want to go somewhere that's warm and has a beach. Just me, all for me.

H was actually really surprised when I announced my plans. (Guess I pulled a 180 without even really thinking about it.) Said he had never heard me say anything like that, and that I sounded more like him.

But, again, I was feeling pretty sensitive last night. I can't recall how it came up, but H said something about kissing people on the cheek. This lead to a conversation where I told H I didn't think it was appropriate for a M man to be so touchy-feely with other women.

He told me that that was just who he was, and he couldn't change that. Which irritated me. He did admit that he tried to stop--I think he said five different times--but he kept going back to the behavior without realizing it. And that, for him, it didn't mean anything.

My problem, and maybe this sounds weird, is that H comes across as flirty. I realize a big part of that is jus how he communicates, and that's fine...he's often misunderstood...but I don't want him hugging on or putting his arm around other people. Is that too much to ask? I think it's reasonable.

He did point out that it's not fair for me to hold something against him that's cultural. He pointed out it's not just him, but Italians and the French who do the kiss-on-the-cheek greeting.

I was just irritated with him last night, and didn't respond. The whole "it's just me and I can't change bit" really rubbed me wrong. I don't know if this will make any sense, but it's less that his communication style comes across flirty, and more I don't want other women to get the wrong idea. Because it's been a problem...and not just once now. Although he did promise to try and curb it again...

But as I was driving this morning, I realized I was being a bit demanding. My need to push and push until I get a resolution was getting the best of me last night. It's best to just back off with H, tell him what I think, and let him work it out.

And, I also realized, I might have also been a little insensitive. The kiss-on-the-cheek greeting (and only as a greeting) really isn't that big of a deal. I was letting my reactions get to me. I can handle that one. I guess the problem is, I have this image of my husband (however unintentionally) flirting with other women while I'm at home, asleep, and physically can't go out with him because of my work schedule. I hate that he has this social life that I know nothing about, because I can't because of my job. It's not that he has friends that I don't. Just that it's not even possible for me to be a part of it. Is that out of line?

Anyway, had the test done at the doctor's yesterday. Pretty quick visit. Should hear back by next week. Hopefully it's gone and taken care of.

Forgot to add something about the flirty/touchy-feely stuff. H told me last night that he doesn't do it around me, because he knows it upsets me. I told him if he knew it upset me, that should tell him there is something wrong with what he's doing anyway.

Granted, I do get bothered by things that we both know are silly, and I try to keep that in mind, and curb those reactions. But I don't think I'm too out of line here in this request...