My thoughts and prayers are with you this week as May 26th approaches.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
((((((Merrick)))))) Just popping in to say that I am thinking of you. I do hope tomorrow goes as smoothly and peaceful as possible. I know you have lots of inner strength to help ensure the best possible outcome, so don't forget to dig deep within yourself to bring that out.
Add me to the list of those sending out special prayers for you, Merrick. Be strong, have faith and focus on the task at hand. What's to come is so much better! Your friend, Michele
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers! Again, I shouldn't say much, but we started the trial today.
On the pro-marriage scale, the person hearing our case appears to be extremely fair, but seems more reflective of modern cultural norms concerning marriage vows. he tried to see if a settlement was possible, but W was sticking to Merrick goes, she gets the kids, and Merrick pays.
A good part of the day involved attorney jousting and I spent two-three hours being questioned by W's attorney. We have scheduled three days for next week hoping to conclude with a full day on what would be our 15th Anniversary. Next week alone could cost $20-$25k between us-- . I feel more burdened tonight than I did this afternoon--and trial prep is another march through all that has happened between us.
H2H, based on the items presented today, I suspect our innocent marriage building dinner with Jennifer and my coffee meeting with U-Dog and Berto will surface, but we'll see. Her course of action is all so very sad and destructive when so much promise could be had. Oh well. Prayers helped. I'll report again at the end of next week.
I just wanted to stop by and say "hi" and to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers... I can not imagine how stressful it must have been for you to be questioned by your W's attorney for 2-3 hours!!! That does not sound too fun! Hang in there, Merrick... There are alot of people on this BB that care about you! Good luck with everything! -Kim
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
But first, thankls to many friends on this BB. I may have to gin up again to wrestle with the new phase of my life that will begin shortly.
Unfortunately, this morning, I feel like the male spider that has been devoured by the Black Widow.
While New York State requires grounds for obtaining a divorce, my lawyer felt that there was still a 50-50 chance our liberal judge would still grant one. And even if I prevailed on grounds, the judge was inclined to bring in a law guardian. Faced with the potential of $50-$100 in additional legal fees and an acrimonious court battle where the children would be interviewed and every little incident that occurs in every home with children being blown out of proportion (and trust me—I had plenty of ammo of my own)—I decided that this was not the path God wanted me to follow. While he doesn’t like divorce—he strives for forgiveness and reconciliation and rewards those who place their trust in Him.
To me, the first true test of my conversion and whether I believed those sentiments was whether I could place that trust in God and walk forward in dignity—even if it costs me a lot of money. So, I cut my deal as follows:
We entered a legal separation agreement—which either party can convert into a divorce after one-year if all aspects of the agreement are honored.
1) I will vacate in 75 days. Lotsa luck for me in New York finding an adequate place.
2) She keeps the house ($500k in equity, but only $2,000 P&I and taxes per month); I “keep” my law degree (you may recall that since I acquired the law degree after we were married, under NY law it’s a marital asset to be valued and divided—basically by taking actual earnings and comparing them to the average bear for the remainder of your anticipated working life. This was the trump card my wife has held since Day 1 of her “decision” to end it all and could easily be valued at $250,000 to $1 million dollars. It's really just a number to conclude the "deal".
3) I pay $2500/month in alimony for four years (tax deductible)
4) I pay child support of $3200/month (non deductible). For me, this is capped unless I make 25% more in income—at which point it is readjusted. It could even go lower if she gets a job.
5) We each keep all our pension and retirement accounts –which I have more.
6) We split college costs up to a NY State School
7) I get the kids on alternate weekends and through Monday morning—and dinner one night per week.
The most creative thing I asked for, however, is that I have each of the kids overnight three times each month for some real one-on-one time. To me, these nights may be the most valuable part of the deal given that it is so hard to get these “alone” bonding times in your own home
I’m having a hard time believing this, but my lawyer says I could have done a lot worse if we went forward. Perhapos I could have done better if I negotiated a year ago. Who knows? I did what ithought was best at the time?
But at the end of the day, I see the biggest losses as:
1) The general failure of the marriage--For our sake and our kids. I will always believe that this was plain wrong and reconcilable if W wanted to do so. But I understand I can’t control her.
2) Following number 1, the loss of sponataneity with the kids in a single home--the unplanned interactions that make parenthood so special.
3) Dysfunction will continue despite the separation—in ways we have not imagined. Triple J and others--if you're out there--the introduction of new OPs in my kids' lives frightens me.
4)On the economic front, I will have virtually no discretionary income. While I have never carried consumer debt, this is now a real possibility.
6) If my Wife is truly Borderline (and even if not)--her reckoning with her own internal issues will be delayed and she will have learned/believe once again that if she crys, curses, and acts out long enough--she will get her way, regardless of who gets stepped on.
6) College savings are wiped out. Maintaining a second home will cost almost $30-40k/year. That’s tuition for three!
I should note that my poor initial reaction was to remark on the phone with W in earshot how glib she seemed--she got what she wnated. But this morning I said we still had to live together for up to 75 days and I remained available to her if she needed me--just as I have always been available.
I should also add my thanks to those on the BB who have shown me how to survive with a lot less than I have. The numbers above may seem high to some--but they are truly middle class in New York. Still, I've seen so many of you on the BB live from paycheck to paycheck and worse--and you've done it with dignity and grace. That's an inspiration for me too!
If you can believe it, I still hold out hope for a miracle. I’ve learned this past year that if I have food in my stomach, a roof over my head, and true love in my heart (and the same for my kids), I really have all I need. And that’s how I have to face the future.
