I really think she is just trying to bait you into a fight. Because it has been so long since you fought about it she doesn't know what to do with herself. I think some where in that mind of hers she is trying to hurt you in some way. Because if you are fighting about this thing she holds all the power. But with you not giving her that power is starting to make her wonder what is going on with you. I don't think she knows any other way to go about talking to you about sex so she just throws these little mean coments your way.
Hp,
Nah, been painting the house trim all summer and that has not resulted in a bonus lay here, . Although, unlike your hubby, plumbing, at least house wise, is not my strong suit. We decided, wisely, to pay for a professional to do the tiling for our bathroom, so for the first time in 15 years we can shower in the bathroom! FYI, houses built when ours was, i.e. 1923, at least in Minneapolis had the shower in the basement. So we've been showering there and in the winter, as the basement does not have it's own heat, it can be a bit nippy and therefor has cut down on co-ed showering. I'm hoping that we can change that with the soon done remodel
So no, no change in the nookie pattern here. So far the net result of two years of counselling has been a slight increase to sometimes, but not always a lovely twice a month schedule, as determined by her.
Scott
-Who has all the yard prep done for winter here!
PS, sorry for the hijack, Hairdog!
Last edited by Scott1701; 11/09/0405:15 PM.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
hairdog wrote about his W comments << she commented about how men need sex so much. "I know you feel that way, and I'd hate to be you >> <<"Why can't you just be happy with the way you are and the way I am?">> W has some understanding of your problems with the M but not willing to change. The way Mrs HD put it, HD needs to change to her way of thinking and be happy. W does not see the the "you be happy with the way I am" as THE PROBLEM. My opinion is a combination of lack of interest in sex, W's WOMENS ISSUES interests, 'she gave up things to move to where HD lives so HD has to give up something passive agressive(PA) payback).
Mrs HD <<"are you mad at me?">> HD, complete honesty on your part would have been to say "YES, but I do not want this to turn in to an argument right now. Could we brain storm this sometime latter like xx:xx time on xxx day?
HP wrote <<"I'd hate to be you" really means "I'd hate to be you and be married to someone like me." >> Good point HP << Why not tell her exactly what you told us?..... I'm sure she would try to turn it into a male v. female rant,>> That sounded like one of my first grade recess experiences, "boys against the girls." More womens issues mentality, just my POV.
HD wrote <<I really do feel like she wants a conflict to flare up....she is baiting me. >> HD some people like negative attention. Is she the type who likes to debate things from an extreme point of view?
I worked in a group home for deliquent boys. Many could not handel positive comments or reinforcers. They would do things to lose points (each resident started the week with 500 points, a penny a point) and by the end of the week most of the boys only had 100 points. If you had 500 points at the end of the week, you were labeled a "suck up" by the other residents. Does this have anything to do with her work, wants to win more, be right more, or be more powerfull at work.
wildebube wrote << When you (apparently) don't want it, the power is gone. She does not like that - not one little bit.>> HD, If you W thinks she has power by with holding sex, what other kind of power would she like to have and not with hold sex? Well, If you knew that you would not be on the SSM BB now, would you?
HD, my W was loving and caring until she went to work in a "Womens Issues" field. She got more into what other women were complaining about and brought that home. Not that your W is into "Womens Issues" per say, but many women complain more about their H's at work than men complaining about their W's. Look at her work friends for some possible insight to her problem with a NORMAL sex drive attitude.
I can tell who my W is talking to at work if she hangs out with men bashing women for about a week. There was one woman my W used to talk to at work. This woman bashers her H a lot. When I see this woman and her H drive down the street, she is sitting next to him like they were teenagers on a date. So I assume she likes her H, but wants sympathy form her peer group. Just a thought HD.
OG Lou Read many books, watched many TV programs about relationships, and found too few answers so far.
Everyone is right that has posted to you on this thread.
You have inadvertently stumbled into the 'distance game'. You are finally making some tangible emotional distance between you and your wife. It is what I was trying to get you to do a month ago.
Her comments to you are proof that she is noticing. The chased, becomes the chaser. She loses her power because what you once wanted, you have no interest in now, at least with her....
You still need to meet her needs, but when it comes to her meeting yours, then you have none - at least for a while, at least with her.
You treat her like a new coworker, nice, but distant. Make an honest effort to make her feel comfortable, but keep your distance, and make no demands. I am NOT talking doormat. Keep your normal boundaries.
In her heart, she probably wants to be a good wife to you, but her embrace (of a rather skewed subset) of feminism, is causing her no small amount of grief. She can't just dump her passion after all. Figure out a way to side step it. Only you and she can do this. You two are the only ones that understand where her head is in this. She has to realize what her primary conflict is and deal with it. You can NOT force this by demanding sex. She will have no part in that. You can NOT act like a doormat and let her do anything she wants.
Imagine yourself as the security guy at the school crossing. Don't engage in arguments or fights, BE THE OFFICIAL.
Let me know if you want further thoughts on this HD.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks for the comments, Lou. My wife is definitely into the women's issues frame of mind. I used to argue with her that her view was so extreme on things...now I don't argue with her on it at all. (i.e. she loves to debate things from an "extreme" point of view). As far as "power" is concerned, she basically has the financial power, too. And I don't mind that at all...less for me to have to accept the blame.
She just called me to ask if I had any objection to her subscribing to Time magazine or the Christian Science Monitor. I told her that whatever she wanted was fine with me, although I did ask her why she wanted to subscribe. Her answer was sufficient. I guess she just wanted me to feel as if I had a say in the matter.
I just feel like I'm in limbo land sometimes. Waiting for something to happen.
Thanks for the comments, Nopkins. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to do when I feel like hugging or kissing her. I guess I just grab the nearest dog or kid and transfer my love to them. Or what if she snuggles up to me at night... do I snuggle back, lay there like a stone, or roll away from her? This attitude is so counter-intuitive for me that I feel a bit confused. My normal response would be to snuggle back.
I wonder if she thinks I am fooling around with someone.
Nopkins, don't bother asking if I want "further thoughts" from you. I always welcome your perspective.
I posted on my other thread before I read this one. The parallels are scary. Just two days ago, my W said, "You are studying sex too much." At the same time, she is loosening up in bed, though not all the way. I think that indeed, your W is thinking about sex, about you, about what she is doing and not doing to please you. All I can advise you is to look for openings. They may not be when you want them, or when you expect them.
My W rarely talks about "women's issues" but she lives them. She left Japan primarily because she did not like the way women are treated there. That takes some cojones (or whatever women have instead of cojones) and I respect her for it.
Someone said earlier that LD spouses are horny only when they want to be horny. We may be frustrated at the infrequency of that occurence, but it has to be that way. In fact, I wouldn't have it any other way. We can, of course, encourage them. There are many things I dread doing, but enjoy doing once I get started (exercise is one of them). Find out what motivates you to do these things, and your LD spouses attitudes may make more sense.
. Although, unlike your hubby, plumbing, at least house wise, is not my strong suit. We decided, wisely, to pay for a professional to do the tiling for our bathroom, so for the first time in 15 years we can shower in the bathroom! FYI, houses built when ours was, i.e. 1923, at least in Minneapolis had the shower in the basement. So we've been showering there and in the winter, as the basement does not have it's own heat, it can be a bit nippy and therefor has cut down on co-ed showering. I'm hoping that we can change that with the soon done remodel 
