The HD-LD has been gong on for years, even prior to the diagnoses and consequent meds. It wasn't always this way. For at least the first 5-10 yrs. of our 34 yr. marriage, we were very compatible in this area.
Things that affect our dersire:
H- poor personal hygeine (not new, but a more recent development); does little to help around the house other than cooking; does not back me up with the kids (17 + 19); has started to complain about me spending too much on groceries; doesn't come to bed at the same time I do (claims to need much less sleep);
Me- It's really hard to think of ones' negative traits tend to be a nag (am working hard at controlling this); don't do much regular cleaning, but do clean up after myself; need more sleep;
H would like intimate relations 2-3 times a week. I am more than satisfied with 1-2 timesa month.
Is there a way I can introduce better hygeine to H? I have tried many things, and so have the kids! When we are about to go to bed at the same time (a reare occurrence) - "How about showering before bed tonight?" (I shower every morning) Mentioning it when we change the towels. Giving him gift kits with his favorite scents - he will put on more deodorant or use cologne occasionally before bed. (It only masks the odor and does not make yukky skin feel better to me.) Even though we have plenty of the soap he likes, buying body wash, because he changed to liking it. Literally told him, "You can sleep elsewhere unless you take a shower."
He's really hard headed.
I often feel "used" when I do agree to intimate realtions. I feel as if I am letting myself down by putting up with the not so lean body, etc. H feels it has become routine. Well, he does ask me what I want (when he is already ready to have his way with me). I can't tell him what I want when I am see-swing between not wanting at all and hoping to satisfy him and keep him from going into either a temper or an "eeyore" mood.
Our hours are different. H - gets up at 5:15 AM, and leaves for work about 6, very seldom showering (but often leaving beard/moustache hairs around the sink). Gets off work at 2:15. but seldom home before 6. Fixes dinner sometimes, or suggests we go out. Goes to bed after 11PM most of the time.
Me- gets up about 6:30AM, short exercise, shower, get ready, leave for work about 7:20. Get off work 7-7:15 PM, home efore 7:30. Sometimes help clean up dinner, sometimes a little exercise, bed 9-9:30PM. Like I said, I need more sleep than H does. Of course, it takes me a bit to get to sleep, and I generally rouse when he comes to bed and when he gets up and dresses in the morning. Some mornings, I can't get back to sleep, so I get up shortly after H leaves.
I've tried staying up. I doesn't work. I tell him when I'm going to bed most of the time. What the heck can I change to help him feel more satisfied? Or, is there even something I can change?
Genie2 wrote. << What the heck can I change to help him feel more satisfied? Or, is there even something I can change >>
Genie2 you know what he wants, make it a game to claim the prize. Make a gift card, cupon, play money, or recipe like card. Or even title it " Eighteen year old boy gets Laid, or xxxx ( what ever you are giving) Instructions on the Other Side. Say you found it and heard it works.
On it in large letters describe the gift you have for him. Write instructions
Line 1, No money is to be spent. Line 2, Person has to claim prize between xxxx hours and xxxx hours. line 3, Person has to show up just showered using xxxxx soap and xxxx cologne. line 4, Person must be wearing xxxxx clothing (thong to snowmobile suit or something funny). line 5, what ever you think is necessary, and so on.
The idea was form something I read about giving each other gifts of personal time. Cooking, foot/back rubs, repairing something together, you name it, just to get the ball rolling.
OG Lou I give with out a card so it is not official? Next time I will use a card.
Thanks for the idea. I will have to think about it. Hard to think of "funny" clothing. There really isn't much choice, as we do not have sports clothing, or anything unusula around the house.
I think I have tried the idea of coupons before. If I actually did this, it maut not have had much effect, as I remember nothing of the results. - But, this is the type of thing I would like to receive.
H is a Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch person. The gift of time means little to him- unless it is time with no other obligations so he can immerse himself in work...
Well, I guess writing things out helps. I could give him a coupon for holding hands, or playing footsie - something simpler. Maybe he needs coupons for hugs?
Might it be appropriate for me to give him a coupon for time alone- a few hours with no interruptions?
Genie, Have you tried the direct route and said to him, "I would love for you to take a shower tonight so we can ML."?
It sounds to me as if he has given up on the marriage. He may not feel loved and has lost the motivation to try to please you. Also, it sounds like he is using his B.O. to punish you for not meeting his needs. Yuck!
Finally, if you subscribe to the Love Languages theory, then you are unlikely to receive Quality Time from him until and unless you are willing to give him WOA and PT. I know it sucks to be the one to go first but what else can you do?
I just want him to take a shower so that I don't have to smell his BO in bed. I may try that avenue, but frankly, I'm the LD person, and I could do without for a long time.
I hate hugging or kissing and smelling BO. I see it as not only a lack of respect for me, but that he doesn't respect himself very much. It's when we pass in the hall (and D19 has also noticed) and I smell his BO even when we aren't in close contact.
Even his pillowcase has permanent stains on it from body oils that won't wash out! Needless to say, he does not get to use the new pillowcases.
HP - I really do mean to try the use of LL. It seems that he gives me little chance in some ways. He always is reaching over to me. When I try "footsie" under the taable or at the movies, he moves his leg, as if he thinks he's in the way...
The WOA is harder. We did actually have a discussion over the weekend regarding a "distant possibility" of a job change. As it turns out, his "almost dream" job came open Friday. I let him tell me how it came about, then gently reminded him how hard it was to do two very taxing things at the same time, while learning both. This is part of what led us to Retrouvaille in 1995. He would have to learn a new job while still in school for the degree for that type of job. At his point in time, he is in no condition for the additional stress. I didn't come right out and tell him that htere is no way he could do it. But, in the end, I think he came around to my pooint of view.
Thank goodness. What I am looking for is that our marriage become second only to his relationship to God. Which means I should be the most important thing in his life - not money, not work, not further education, not social relationships.
H is getting better at reminding me about meetings which will delay him getting home. He usually brings it up in relation to what we will have for dinner, since he usually is responsible for that. Now, if I can nudge him to take care of making a dental appointment... I don't think he's been for 5-10 years. It's hard to remember when it's been so long. come to think of it, I need to go, too. I don't have dental insurance, so I have to check the money situation first. Mine is not urgent, just preventive care. H has an abscess, I think, and certainly several broken (rotten) teeth.
Genie, I got what you were saying the first time around but what if he has stopped his hygiene habits b/c he thinks "What's the use anyway, nobody cares..."
And even if he is just being a lazy piece of stank, it still stands to reason that if you want him to change and you want your marriage to change in a positive way that you will have to do something really different. That's why I suggested ML.
Quote: I hate hugging or kissing and smelling BO. I see it as not only a lack of respect for me, but that he doesn't respect himself very much.
Genie...I think you may have just put it in a nutshell for yourself right there. If he has a low self-esteem there may be other issues you need to try to tackle with him to raise that self-esteem so he feels he's worth making the effort for himself.
You can talk til you're blue in the face...but if he's got issues you aren't aware of it's possible continually pointing out "flaws" (stinky as they may be) could only add to a low self-esteem.
Genie2 wrote << I see it as not only a lack of respect for me, but that he doesn't respect himself very much. >>
Possible reasons for not bathing often enough: 1. Poor selfimage. 2. Thinks he has too much work to do, has the mental attitude get work done first, shower later. (me) 3. Hopeless, why bother attitude, things are always going to suck. 4. I do all this xxxxx or yyyyy for her and nothing happens. Too much work for so little reward. (my problem) 5. Similar to 4, I worked 1/2 hour on my personal apperance and did not even get a hug, why bother. I will only be rejected if I shower, why set myself up for disapointment. 6. I think other people are too hung up about personal hygene. It is not natural, what did people do 100 yrs ago? We have gotten to be germ nuts (phobia). 7. I can get another day out of these pants before "I" have to do the laundry. I will shower then. ( you posted about the laundry getting neglected) 8. similar to 7. I do not have anything clean to wear, why shower and put on dirty clothes?
I like things honey writes. She has goood insight to problem solving.
If you do the coupon thing Genie2, remember it is better to start with small things. So print the coupons for the hugs, the ML ones might be too big a step. Rebuilding the connection and trusting between the 2 of you takes time, a long time.
As to laundry being neglected - it wasn't that he was out of clothes, or even nearly out... there were several complete sets of clothes. It's not his clothes that are stank, it's his body. He will put on clean clothes every day, but still not take a shower.
As for 2) He puts off getting the work done 'til the last minute. 3) A possiblilty. 4) I don't know abaout this one. 5) 1/2 hour on personal appearance _ when this happens, I will jump his bones! 6) Don't know about this one 7) Like I say, laundry not neglected, just not put away after being done. 8) 'Scuse me?????? He never is completely out of clothes. How could he be with over 30 shirts and more than a dozen pair of pants? I don't let that much laundry pile up. In fact, I used to do 13 loads of laundry each weekend when all the kids were at home.
H may let it go 3 weeks between doing his laundry, but I will do some of it each week if he hasn't gotten around to it.
Basically, he gained bad habits while in the military, and has taken them to extremes. He just doesn't pay attention to personal hygeine. It's pretty much always been a problem, but I don't remember why it was less of an issue back when.
Genie2 I do not know your H's situation. I did not intend it to be a putdown. Also see you are saying Heavens, the guy has clothing galore!
I am down to about 4 pants that look good. Others are torn, worn out in the knees, paint, oil, ink, or something stained. So I look at things from where I am at now. Your H position is different than mine.
I buy clothing when something fits(6'4"). I can get things big, but have a difficult time finding "tall" clothing. I could go to a "BIG & TALL" store but dislike paying $40 for a pair of pants that cost $20 at a different store, same brand of pants but not tall or high waisted. I try to avoid the "plumbers butt" displays I experience with non-tall clothing. I do not look good in Britney Spears (bare middle) type of clothing.
Back to your H. Somehow you have to get him to see that if he became the (I think it is) Downy fabric softener "Snuggle Bunny", you would be warmer to his touches.
OG Lou Sometimes W's teddy bear, sometimes her grouchy bear. My problen is, I was told, bears like to snuggle, and they do not have roaming hands.
Needless to say, he does not get to use the new pillowcases.
