I'm still wondering why it is so difficult for some people like my LDH to communicate with me what's going on inside of him. Yesterday we had another convo that was both enlightening and frustrating at the same time...even though I believe we made progress.
The conversation stemmed from my bringing up the possibility of ML that evening after we put our son to bed...even though we've both been extremely "pooped" lately. My H being the somewhat off-center individual he can be took the word "pooped" and started this conversation...
H - "I spoke with Dr. xyz (his C) the other day and he said that maybe we should just do quickies."....well now this took me by surprise, this was the first time he'd brought that up to me.
Me - "I'm all for that...when we have the time/opportunity we can always take our time and really enjoy ourselves...but quickies are fine with me."
H - "Oh!, OK!" As though the thought of a quickie had never entered his mind...I guess he assumed if it wasn't a long ML session then I wouldn't be interested....WRONG!!! LOL
Me - "Do you mind if I ask what brought that up?"
H - "I told him that my stomach bothers me a lot."
Me - "Does your stomach really bother you that much? I mean, I know you have gas pretty bad sometimes...are you that self concious about it?"
H - "Oh yeah!"
Me - "Does it make you self concious when it comes to sex? To where you don't want to have sex?"
H - "Yeah!"
Me - "That's very useful information to me, thanks for sharing that with me."
H - "I'm not used to telling someone what's going on, I don't get into specifics!" Almost sounded defensive.
Me - "I know, that's why I want to let you know that I appreciate you telling me that. I know when my stomach is upset that I don't feel like having sex either...so knowing this really helps me to not take it personally...because if this is a contributing factor then it's really not personal."
H - "Oh, well yeah."
Me - "So let me make sure I understand you correctly...then I'll drop it, I know you don't like to feel like I'm prying."
H - "Ok"
Me - "If I'm hearing you correctly you do think about sex during the day, you intend to come home and ML with me?"
H - "Oh yeah, all the time!"
Me - "But your stomach gets upset after dinner, you get gas...and that really takes the steam out of your sails...is that right?"
H - "Exactly!"
Me - "That's really helpful, thanks! Tell you what...lets sit down in the next few days and try to figure out what foods tend to upset your stomach and get you an appt. with Dr..... because it's possible this could be an indicator of something else...and there may be something he can do to help."
H - "Ok, lets do that." In a very cooperative, almost relieved tone of voice.
I dropped the subject at that point and we had a very pleasant evening at home playing with our son and wrestling a bit ourselves...and joking around.
What I just don't understand is why he finds it so hard to tell me these things...was he tormeneted before about his gas? Have I done it and not realized? Now, I'm aware that this could be a smoke screen he's throwing up...but my gut says it isn't, this is really a problem. Of course I sleep in the same room with this man and can attest to having been run out of our room on several occasions due to the noxious fumes emmanating from him, which sounds funny but isn't.
The frustrating part of this for me is that it's possible a mere biological function such as gas could have been standing in the way of a very healthy sex-life. He's had this problem since I met him...I just didn't realize that it was this severe for him. Apparantly it causes him quite a bit of physical discomfort...even when he's not odiferous
GEL, I'm not sure of your ages, I'm mid-40's here, but if your spouse is like me he was brought up at the end of the "Guys are stoic and don't complain, show emotion and talk about feelings era". What this means is that not only are guys like us uncomfortable talking about feelings and problems but we don't have a clue as to how to express said feelings and issues.
So take things slow and find him a worksheet that has feeling words and the categories they are part of. I got one such sheet from my counselor and another when we did the Marriage Encounter weekend.
Scott
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Scott...I believe what you said is exactly the issue. He sucks it up, doesn't complain, and doesn't know how to tell me what's wrong when something is. Which can, at times, leave me feeling like I'm chasing my own tail.
Oh, by the way...he's 44, so he fits right into your theory.
Ah, yes...a cork. It will protect your olfactory glands and you'll also occasionally have the enjoyment of seeing your H look like the Ren and Stimpy cartoon as his eyes get those huge veins and bug out.
That's exactly the point I'm trying to get across to him. There are so many physical maladies people suffer with daily that are early indicators of other more serious problems...so something like this should absolutely be looked at...if nothing else but to rule out those more serious issues.
Thanks for the feedback everyone....Oh and I thought about the cork before too. But remember, I sleep with this man....there's a potential for injury to my person as well if I'm around when that thing blows!
Sally.... I know what you mean about getting him to the Dr....it's very difficult. But if I'm persistent in a non-nagging kind of a way he'll go. It'll take a couple of weeks for him to finally go, but he'll go.
