Quote: My H does not show any signs of affection. I try to lovingly touch his back or stroke his hair to let him know that I am okay with it. He doesn’t pull away like he used to but he doesn’t seem to really like it either.
Hmmm...maybe experiment with backing off on this a little? letting him initiate it? I think that physical touch can feel like pursuing to the WAS if the LBS is the one who always initiates it...what happens if you remain warm and open but don't actually touch him?
Quote: Also, we haven’t been doing too many one on one activities- my parents suggested that we take in a movie while they watched S and he didn’t seem interested. How long did it take your H to become more interested after he broke off with OW?
So...he didn't seem "interested" or he said he wasn't going??? Two different things IMHO...
IOW, Michele points out in the book that sometimes you've just got to DO STUFF to get the positive feelings back...I think that going to movies, taking walks, hiking, etc, even when we didn't feel "coupley" really helped us. The key is to do it with NO EXPECTATIONS -- one way to do that is to think "I'm going out with my closest friend who is having a hard time but doesn't want to discuss it right now" -- it's amazing how hanging out together in a movie theater can be a real positive.
As for how long it took? there were ebbs and flows of comfort/interest/positiveness for months after bomb day...key is to weather the dips with as much equanimity as you can manage.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I took a look at your earlier threads. My hats off to you!! Dbing for 2 solid years. I've only been at this for a month and I feel like tearing my hair out.
I feel like DB'ing is a lifestyle choice...I expect to be doing it forever!
Quote: Is your H at home and broken off from OW? What is your sitch now?
Yes, my h is home and no longer involved with OW. Our sitch is "Divorce = Busted"
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
A quick "present moment" post...h emailed me this AM with some awesome news! He had applied for two fellowships at school and made the first cut for both of them (in one case is one of 4 final candidates, in the other I think it's slightly more). THIS IS TREMENDOUS! The fellowships are highly competitive and quite prestigious -- hooray for h!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for resurrecting your old thread. It has given me a lot of hope and also shown me that some of the difficulties that I am having lately are more than likely normal reactions.
One thing in particular struck me, when you were at a restaurant and asked for carry out and your H became angry and the first thing that popped into your mind is you had an A and you are mad at me over ordering carry out. This kind of thing has popped into my head so many times it was starting to worry me. I don't know how many times I have thought "you had a one night stand and you have the gall to be mad at me for not taking out the garbage". I've never said it out loud but it is always there. I think I have some anger issues to overcome. Your thread was insightful and very helpful (as always ).
Hi Sage- Thanks for the response! I promise to not hijack your thread.
I have also been thinking that I should stop pursuing H through physical touch. I will back off but it is hard because sometimes it is just second nature and happens. I also worry that he will think I am not receptive to him. But I need to remember that it is "opposite day" when it comes to MLC!
As far as the movies- he didn't comment at all so I let it go.
I just made it through your first thread, and boy have you come a long way baby! I can identify with so much that I am going to hunt down your second one.
Congrats to your H! That must make him feel so great! You guys are doing awesome.
And what did you say to tell H how awesome you feel this is?
That seems to be a problem for me. When H does "extras" at work (which generally entail his doing someone else's job in addition to his own), I see it as an added stress on him which allows him less time for his education and his own job. It also lets the other person off the hook of learning to do their own job.
Quote: And what did you say to tell H how awesome you feel this is?
I sent him an email...here's the jist:
Quote: OMG,OMG,OMG
I have chills right now like you could not (*&^% believe.
Excuse the swearing.
NO. SCREW IT!
YOU ARE *&&^%$%^& AWESOME!!!!!!!
Honey, I am completely and utterly in parallel universes right now...shocked and delighted in one but "yah, of course he'd get both" in the other!!!
ILYSOMUCHYOUBIGBRAINGUY!
and his response:
Quote:
Honey,
This is the BEST positive reinforcement ever!!!
I love you so much!!
Quote: When H does "extras" at work (which generally entail his doing someone else's job in addition to his own), I see it as an added stress on him which allows him less time for his education and his own job. It also lets the other person off the hook of learning to do their own job.
Genie, why not let your h decide that for himself? Aren't you sort of letting HIM off the hook to figure out what is doable and what isn't?
I know it's difficult (because don't we want to help...guide...support) but what I've figured out is that my h is goal oriented and can handle his own schedule...if he gets overwhelmed he either freaks out for a while OR he cuts back...ya know?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for the input. I seldom have a chance to have any input until the efforts are done. He brags on himself, and takes time away from our relationship (which needs the time desperately). As far as either freaking out or cutting back - he does neither, unless you count cutting back on anything that involves home and family. When he does these extras, he ends up having to do an all nighter to make up for lost time. This saps his energy, and in the end, takes more time away from us. It was H that worte he was committed to "rebuilding, or starting over, as much as is necessary for us to make it another 30 years. We have a history and loyalty to each other that provide a strong foundation for building a life and marriage."
IF he is so committed to building, why is he finding excuses to spend less time working on the relationship that is floundering?
Quote: IF he is so committed to building, why is he finding excuses to spend less time working on the relationship that is floundering?
Can you think of a time when you felt committed to something but still had a difficult time motivating yourself to make the effort?
Perhaps not.
But I sure can for myself....
Why? Different reasons...maybe I was afraid I would fail. Maybe I was unsure about what steps to take first. Maybe I was unsure on the other person's commitment. Maybe...
I'm sure you get my point.
What if you ASSumed that h was not implementing changes because he was concerned, overwhelmed, unsure of success, afraid or any other emotion save for disinterested? Would that change your approach?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Something I have to remember: I AM seeking to control him in an effort to control my fears and that just won't work for either of us!
Here's a paragraph that describes an interaction I had with h...to me it's a classic interaction...he gives such clear clues about what works for him in communication and I ignore them! (well, except in hindsight...)
Quote: Good input from h about what NOT to do when bringing up tough stuff with him: I started off by telling him that I'd been having a hard time lately "in my head" -- nothing having to do with him and the way that he's been. I said he had been great -- warm and open with me but that I still found myself mired in insecurity on occasion -- feeling as though I couldn't compete with ow, that I wasn't good enough, etc.
He asked what he could do to help and I probably shouldn't have said it but I said that it troubled me a great deal that he had never told me outright that the A. was over, that he and ow were not in contact and that it would never happen again. no real response.
I told him that it still worried me at times that they are emailing or calling or IM'ing. and he said "we're not." uh, ok.
I was silent for a bit and I said "why is it so hard for you to say this? when it's this hard for you it makes me feel as though it's because it's not true that it's over". And he said, "How was I supposed to know that this was what you needed?" (ok, valid point) and I said "good point. I guess I'm just assuming you would know because if the tables were turned, there would be nothing I could do to stop myself from verbally reassuring you."
He started getting stressed, said he didn't want to talk about it right now -- that I had blindsided him, not given him a chance to think. That he wanted to talk about it later and not on the phone. But then he said he didn't know why I bottled everything up inside and didn't just tell him how I feel when I feel it instead of letting it all come out at once.
Great advice from Acorn:
Quote:
It is so important to quit worrying about the A. Your H will be unhappy in the M if he constantly feels mistrusted, or that he needs to continue to do pennance. Not fun. Not fair for someone you love. H has chosen you, H is doing tons of stuff to show you his love and improve your R. Let it be enough.
It really is your choice to forgive and trust. I know it doesn't seem like it. But I didn't fully forgive and trust H for some old stuff, and now I do. And, I now know it was my choice all along. Not doing so is punishing. The little breakdown of yours will repeat and repeat and undo all the good. Get that stop sign in your head. Carry a 2x4 around with you.
One of the things that really worked for me was coming up with 180s (hmmmm...I think I could use a few right now!) Here's how I did it...
Quote: HERE’s a list I used to help me identify 180s…it was the WORST things I thought that h would say in his most unbridled moments…
So....here's a list of behaviors that I would ascribe to myself or think H. would ascribe to me (note that these are the EXTREMES of behaviors -- I don't think I'm ALWAYS like this...)
Lacking confidence in our relationship Lacking confidence in myself as a loveable person Clingy Needing constant reassurance that everything is OK Needing reassurance that A. is over Comparing myself unfavorably to ow Critical of H. in terms of how he shows love to me Insecure Anxious Suspicious Nosy Untrusting Never satisfied Pushy Self-righteous (that A. is ongoing) Disbelieving in what is being said and what is being done Always questioning Mired in either the past or the future Afraid
I would take the top five issues and put actions around it (iow, h will think I'm controlling when I ....) and then I turned those actions around!
Ever the GOAL oriented DB'er, here's another goal I used...
Quote: Goal: I will get through my next phase of insecurity without bringing up ow or A with H.
The purpose of this goal is to address the fact that things will be going well for a few weeks, then I start feeling super insecure and freak out on H., then things take a few big steps back, etc. I'm also finding myself this past week somewhat leery and uncomfortable and feeling as tho' H. is more distant than usual -- then I get into the "which came first" scenario of "am I uncomfortable and leery because he's more distant or is he more distant because...?"
What steps will I take to get there?
* I will journal my thoughts instead of letting them build up
* I will act "as if" with H.
* I will plan a social activity (movie is best bet here) if I'm struggling. Seems as though lots of times my insecure phases coincide with not enough activity between us
* I will NOT send leading e-mails, e-cards or initiate phone calls when I'm feeling insecure. Eventually I hope to be able to talk with him during these times but for now, I can see that I set up scenarios with "one right response" and freak out if I don't get it
* I will not snoop
* I will practice "thought" techniques -- I'll try meditation if I can and "thought stopping" if I can't
* I'll identify what's REALLY bothering me. What I'm finding is that I get anxious when something's going on that I can't control. So, if I'm feeling out of control or scared or whatever, so be it, I can sit with those feelings through identifying with them and moving on
* I'll remember that I don't have to solve every problem and address every thought when it happens
* I stay in the present -- lots of time my anxiety is worked up by my reflecting on bad history or projecting bad scenarios into the future
* I'll allow myself the possibility that I may need to spend time alone in lieu of trying to manage myself perfectly around H.
* I will remember to exercise, eat well, not drink too much and be sure to get enough sleep when I'm feeling vulnerable
* I will remind myself over and over and over that I AM loveable, that I AM worthy, that I WILL have a loving, committed, faithful and intimate relationship in my life.
Actually, boiling this down might make more sense (not going to rewrite above)...
* If I CAN be with H. during the tough time, plan something OUT of the house -- movie, hike, etc
* If I don't feel as though I CAN be with H., plan something social for myself
* Take good care of myself (exercise, eat right, etc)
* Use calming techniques and thoughts to stay present. Remind myself often that I am a good person and that I will have a faithful and loving relationship.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I've only been at this for a month and I feel like tearing my hair out. 
). 