2. Assumption - If anyone in my vicinity is in a bad mood, it MUST be because of something I said/did not say/did/did not do. How self centred is that Honestly, my capability to personalise other folks' issues is just so out there, its not funny.
I have spent needless hours agonising over problems that are not even remotely real, or connected to me. Especially with NG. Turning this around has been a little easier than the previous issue - but I still have moments when I am 'borrowing' trouble.
Life has certainly become much more relaxing now that I 'assume' nothing is my 'fault' unless someone actually says so. Of course, its still a balancing act between taking responsibility for things that I am accountable for, especially at work. This too is a process, with adjustments being made on the way, But, I do feel lighter for having shed what feels like an enormous weight
Quote: 2. Assumption - If anyone in my vicinity is in a bad mood, it MUST be because of something I said/did not say/did/did not do. How self centred is that Honestly, my capability to personalise other folks' issues is just so out there, its not funny.
oh can I relate to this. I know where it comes from for me...living with a depressed parent who alternated between "normal" and utterly silent for days on end. I became convinced that it was all about ME and that if I could just put together the right sequence of events, I could break mom's depression.
it's interesting (or lame) that I always thought that it was giving and generous to ASSume that I was responsible in some way for everyone's mood -- it took h screaming at me (more than once) "it's not all about you!" to hear how selfish and self-centered it really can be.
I still struggle with it because I just want to FIX things and if I ASSume it's about ME it makes it more likely...but Ruiz's "The Four Agreements" and constant vigilance has helped.
Quote: Life has certainly become much more relaxing now that I 'assume' nothing is my 'fault' unless someone actually says so. Of course, its still a balancing act between taking responsibility for things that I am accountable for, especially at work. This too is a process, with adjustments being made on the way, But, I do feel lighter for having shed what feels like an enormous weight
AWESOME!!! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
But I think you should post the process you have used to work on changing the assumptions!
Pam...what has worked for me is a couple of (related) approaches....the first is taking an ASSumption and just running with it...for example:
I am completely unloveable...which means that no one in the world loves me...which means that when h or mom or sis say they love me that they are lying...which means that I am surrounded by liars...which means that ...
see what I mean? If you take the ASSumption as gospel then where does it lead? often to an absurd place!
Sometimes, it's more about just "talking back" to the ASSumption...you have to try the alternate on for size...
I am completely unloveable.
No I am not. h and sis love me and tell me so.
well, they must be idiots.
what evidence do I have that they are idiots?
I don't have any.
if they are not idiots then maybe what they say is true...
ETC.
I think it's really about challenging your ASSumptions...talking back to them...holding them up the the light and looking for cracks...brainstorming...I think that writing it down really helps me.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I think it's really about challenging your ASSumptions...talking back to them...holding them up the the light and looking for cracks...brainstorming...
I think that is probably a very good part of anything we want to change. Listening to and challenging our self talk.
Another thought I have had is what about personal boundaries?
I don't think I have very many either way, as in not good on self - control, and much too willing to take responsibility for other peoples emotions, problems, feelings so not enough boundaries that way either. As in, here I am walk on me because I feel that is all I am good enough to deserve, but then I just feel more crappy.
Any thoughts on that?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: Another thought I have had is what about personal boundaries?
I don't think I have very many either way, as in not good on self - control, and much too willing to take responsibility for other peoples emotions, problems, feelings so not enough boundaries that way either. As in, here I am walk on me because I feel that is all I am good enough to deserve, but then I just feel more crappy.
Well...Ruiz says (in "The Four Agreements") that you will let people treat you as badly as you treat yourself...and only if they treat you WORSE than you treat yourself will you leave...I'm sure that Dr. Phil would say something similar
So...exploring the notion of boundaries a bit...what's your gut reaction to how to make some changes here?
Can you give 5 examples of times when you thought you allowed others to trounce on your boundaries? I'd even think SMALL...like times when you said yes when you wanted to say no, etc.
THEN, I think we should come up with 1 or 2 small actions around that...what I'm thinking we'll likely end up with is something like "the next time JoeBlow suggests a place I hate for lunch, I will say 'Joe, I don't like Pete's Pizza Palace. I'd prefer to go to Pam's Pierogi Paradise' AND I will follow that up with a hundred apologies for hurting his feelings".
IMHO, one way to make some good progress here, Pam is to start super small..it can even be as simple as NAMING your feelings and reactions to something even if you don't feel ready to ACT on them (so, IOW, if Joe suggests the pizza place...if you don't feel ready to offer up your alternate plan FINE but be careful to note to yourself "I don't like that pizza place. I'd prefer not to go there. I'm feeling XYZ about it", etc.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: well...Ruiz says (in "The Four Agreements") that you will let people treat you as badly as you treat yourself...and only if they treat you WORSE than you treat yourself will you leave...I'm sure that Dr. Phil would say something similar
...or Chuck, the DB coach
He said this to me, which sounds the opposite of the above but I wonder if it really isn't:
People rarely treat us with as much respect as we do ourselves. We need to treat ourselves with MORE respect, so that when people don't live up to our expectations and don't treat us as well, it doesn't rattle us as much.
Another thing he said right after is that in other parts of my life, I (Jennifer) am gutsy and courageous, sure of myself, but in my R, I'm cowering, mewling, unsure of myself. He says I should tap into that strength, courage, and confidence and use it in my R. And that includes setting boundaries and sticking to them.
NG and I had an interesting exchange over the weekend. My old assumptions used to be that if he was unfair to me, I should express my disappointment, otherwise how would he know? This often led to both of us 'sulking' and sometimes this went on for a couple of days, till I 'backed down' because I could not take the tension any longer - ergo not sticking to boundaries.
This time, instead of expressing disappointment, I just said 'NG, looks like you need some time, so I'm off for a bit' and just took off, did not come home for 5 hours. Had a ball window shopping. NG was fit to be tied when I cam home, spouting a load of 'expectations' and how we should be doing our own thing anyway.
Pre Mars and Venus, I'd have taken his words at face value. Now, I could see his FEAR - that he was not in control, could not see what I could have been doing for 5 hours, and that HIS unacceptable behaviour had direct consequences. And by validating his observations, and agreeing to a new approach to how we dealt with each other (his face saving tactic) the situation was diffused. Two days later, here we are, with a much more affectionate NG, and NONE of his threats of 'doing his own thing' materialising
A major turning point for me - I can alone change the dynamics. Yeah Slowly
Honestly, my capability to personalise other folks' issues is just so out there, its not funny. 
