Quote: Generally, couples do not really want increased emotional contact during sex, not because their relationship matters too little to them, but because it matters too much...Even while complaining that they want more intimacy in their marriages, in reality they cannot tolerate the anxiety and pain of fully knowing themselves, let alone allowing their spouses really to see and hear them as they genuinely are--it is far too dangerous.
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This is, in effect, a common marriage roundelay--two mutually dependent and mutually suspicious spouses jockeying uneasily for the limited quantity of emotional security between them.
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Modern sex therapy illustrates how we've tried to subdue sexuality. Masters and Johnson's well-known "performance anxiety" concept assumes that reducing anxiety is the key to resolving sexual problems. In actuality, however, sexual repertoires grow by progressively mastering new anxieties. ...No one is anxiety free when growing sexually. People's (and couples') sexual repertoires grow by mastering anxiety about "unacceptable," "forbidden" or frightening acts. You can't "think about it" to the point you're relaxed--you have to do it while it still makes you nervous. ...
Yes, an anxiety-reduction approach can improve genital functioning. Modern sex therapy techniques have undoubtedly improved the capacity of many people to enjoy, much to their relief, the mediocre level of sexuality that this culture considers normal....
In reality, anxiety tolerance is the key to sexual growth. That's what differentiation is all about. It makes you able to tolerate (or introduce) sexual novelty, and keep sex alive. When you can't soothe your own anxieties, or maintain your own psychological "shape," you're dependent on "trusting" your partner (who can then stop you dead in your tracks by simply withholding validation).
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Spouses often believe that the mere existence of negative feelings about each other (encouraged by the self-help industry)--hatred, contempt, revulsion and sadism--proves not only that they are stuck in a bad marriage, but probably that they are seriously disturbed themselves. And yet the fights, the threats, the ultimatums, the yelling, the crying may actually signal the potential for a good and intimate relationship--they are signs that the difficult struggle within each spouse for individual differentiation is already going on. Acknowledging these feelings out loud before the other (and in the containing environment of therapy, with a therapist whose own level of differentiation allows him or her to tolerate the pain and anxiety), paves the way for a level of intimacy not possible until spouses can stop blaming their partners for their own feelings of hostility, disappointment, inadequacy and failure.
In the heat of the crucible, partners develop begrudging respect for each other.... They have had to give up the notion that the partner is a fused part of themselves, and learn to cope with the anxiety of recognizing the spouse as a separate individual, with competing preferences and agendas.
Finally, they have had to relinquish the infantile hope of being unconditionally loved by a totally gratifying partner--the ideal, perfect parent they never had.
Only when they can really see and respect the other as he or she really is will they be able to trust one another.
I think what he's saying is that we have to go ahead and reveal ourselves, have sex, open our eyes, speak the truth even if it "hurts" our partner or makes him/her mad-- we have to do these things IN SPITE OF being anxious. We can't wait until we aren't scared or anxious, or until we trust fully or have our partner's full trust. In the process of GOING AHEAD we develop the trust. We jump even if we're not sure there is a net... and we find out that, net or no net, we survived the leap. To share this leap with a willing partner when both of you are terrified out of your wits, not because you ALREADY trust each other, but BEFORE you fully trust-- THAT is intimacy. At least that's my interpretation of what he is saying.
Well, folks, I think my H has been abducted and in his place is a really neat guy!
This is the second time this week that he has initiated sex in a fun loving and enthusiastic way. He has kept up his sexy affection, even on days when nothing happens. Last night, he capped off a nice evening by running his hands up my shorts and caressing my backside while saying, Kids you'd better go to bed early cause I have plans with your Mom.
Now.........this is just NOT like my H! I am so delighted and pleased. He is really making a huge effort to fill my tank, and he is succeeding.
My question is this: How do I give sufficient praise (I want more of this behavior so I gotta praise it like crazy) without embarrassing him or overdoing it? He wouldn't feel comfortable with me saying it outright, he does not want me to email him anything with any sexual content, I really don't have time to write him a love letter....but I need to tell him that I see and acknowledge and LOVE the effort he is putting into meeting my needs.
Wow, HP... that is so awesome! I agree with your plan to praise the behavior without making him feel too self-concious.
How to make this last?? I haven't figured that out...yet.
Right now I am handling the anxiety of not knowing what will come next...I don't feel secure in my H's changes, and I don't feel secure in my ability to HOM when there is a backslide. I almost want to get into a negative interaction with him just to get it over with.
Last nite he came home in a critical mood and then told me I had an attitude. Instead of going with a fused response, I calmly told him that he might want to look at how he is acting and feeling...and he got it! He made a joke about his earlier comments, and we went on to have a nice nite.
Quote: I almost want to get into a negative interaction with him just to get it over with.
My gosh, this quote just totally spoke to me. I do this with H when things are not going good, but not going bad either. I can't seem to turn the momentum around so I start a huge fight to make sure that I am in control of the inevitable bad ending.
It's funny and more than a little ironic that I get huffy about always having to make the first positive move towards H, but I will GLADLY make the first negative move towards him, every time.
My own pride will be my biggest downfall, I fear.
Well thanks for those words of wisdom. That really affected me. I wonder what I (or you) could do when that feeling comes to turn the tide the other way?
The problem for me seems to be that I will make a move towards him and get rebuffed and then I am unable to keep the momentum going in a positive direction. I get in a negative space and will then stubbornly sit back and wait (read: force) him to make the next move.
Part of me thinks "If only he'd never rebuff my perfectly acceptable moves!" we'd be fine, LOL.
Oh well, I just sent him a 'thank you' email. I know he has told me not to but I have a better chance of him responding (even if it's to say "shutup!":) than if I say it in person. Last night, I alluded to it afterwards and he ignored me. In a totally benign way, but still he glossed over the fact that I had ever said anything. I want him to HEAR me saying 'thank you, I appreciate what you do' and not gloss over it due to embarrassment or awkwardness.
I am looking forward to a nice weekend with him. We are in a good place and I hope we keep this momentum going.
I think I might address the NOP's scheduled sex idea this wkend and see what he thinks of it. I'm sure it will be met with resistance but he is the type who says "noooooooooooo" to everything, then comes back a few weeks later and says, You know...I was thinking and that is what we should do.
He just takes a long time to come around to Momma's way of thinkin.
That is super! First superDave, then AtlDave, then Jenny, now you!?? We'll miss you, but still I hope this keeps up for you so you don't have to hang around with the likes of us much longer! I want my turn to be next!
How about a simple, "ya know, last night was really, really nice. I liked it very much, keep it up big fella!"
--GGB, who is feeling like square one is a worthy goal at the moment...really looking forward the Marriage Encounter weekend this weekend, even if W is not.
You are sooo Right. I'm thinking our current backslide is kind of my own doing. Seems as reluctant I've been to make the first move lately, I've been at least as quick to turn anything neutral into a negative. I becoming aware that I've done it, but for the life of me I can't figure out WHY. Guess like you say, it is a way getting a quick resolution rather than having it hang. I think some of it is a sense of feeling justified too, as awful as that is. Gotta get back on the positive bandwagon. Hoping the time alone togther at the WWME weekend coming up will help.
That is interesting HP. You get upset/anxious when H rebuffs you, and I get that way when H doesn't make the moves on me. Either way, it's about rejection.
So, I avoid being rejected by getting into something negative with him...he gives me some provoking ammo, but I am the one who sets off.
It's good to recognize where the anxiety is coming from. I don't want to go through the whole upset routine...then I look like the emotional, nutty one.
Anyway, I am going to stay calm and he is going to have to push through his feelings to connect with me. He has already asked me what I want to do on Sat so that's a good sign.
I haven't brought up the schedule idea yet...last weekend when we had an extra hr bc of daylight savings time, H took the opporunity to intiate, which he wouldn't have done if there were a schedule in place. I am not sure I want to give up the idea of random spontaneity for more sexual security. Besides, like your H, mine will most definitely veto it,intially at least.
OK. Gotta go get my son...taking him to get his eyes checked--he may need glasses. My daughter will certainly have fun with that!
Well, folks, I had a flash of inspiration and figured out exactly how I wanted to express my thanks to H. So I emailed him and braced myself for his response. He loved it! He was quite pleased with my flowery praise of his virility, lol. Seriously, I did strike just the right balance--not too overbearing, definitely not vague, not too explicit.
And, Journey, that is exactly what I do. Sometimes it's in response to an actual rebuff, more often it's because he is not making any moves of his own and is quite content to not 'notice' me.
So we are right there on the same road, sista.
More journaling: One thing that has replayed in my mind from the 'rotten weekend' was that H, in a totally forlorn voice, said "I am so discouraged. You make me feel so discouraged and like I don't even want to try." Now it is not like my H to be melodramatic so I knew he was telling the truth. I am usually a cheerful and upbeat person. To hear the person in the world who is most precious to me say that I discourage him was devastating to me. It struck something in me and strengthened my resolve to NOT be this way any more. I want to ENcourage him but he, by his own admission, is the world's hardest person to praise. But he needs it and it is my job as his wife to figure out how I can deliver it. I have a hard time delivering it when our R is devoid of any fun and passion. I can't seem to consistently make the first move--I let my resentment and pride get in the way. Which is why I have been thinking (and re-thinking) the scheduled sex thing. If I could remove the "wondering" aspect from our daily routine, I wonder if it would free us both up to just enjoy each other? And if we were more at ease, I'm sure the flowery words would come easier and be easier for him to accept.
Resentment This is one of my ongoing struggles, as I would guess that it is with most women. For instance, yesterday I found myself getting irritable with my H for NO reason. As the irritation grew, my mind began racing and trying to 'attach' recent reasons for this feeling. I was looking (scrutinizing, really) at his behavior of the last week trying to figure out why I felt this way. IF I had looked hard enough, I'm sure I would have found something. Sad, huh. What I did instead was to get the hell out of the house. I can recognize that, at times, a good portion of my resentment is stemming from occupational hazards: boredom, exhaustion, stress, and loneliness. It worked. When I came home I felt much better. I need to do more of this when I feel bad feelings closing in on me. That's not to say that my resentment or anger never has any basis in reality--it most certainly does. But not always.
See there, fellas, I just broke the Female Code and admitted that resentment is oftentimes a bunch of bullsh*t reasons that we concoct to explain our hormonal craziness.
