I understand what you're going through...I'm currently going through that myself. Why can't my LDH simply do "xyz" because I'm told him that's what I need? I'm really clinging onto those "little improvements" of his that I see...so right now I'm actually trying to take my own advice LOL.
Just had a brief convo with the hubby during lunch...he actually mentioned something about a quickie at least tonight. That certainly perked my ears up...we've both been EXHAUSTED lately...been dealing with some heavy family issues on my side. Rationally I know he may be trying to simply meet my "needs" and keep an emotional distance from me (with the quickie)...however the other side of me also sees it as, hey! He's at least verbally recognized to me that this is something I need. I probably try to read far too much into too many things LOL.
Quote: Rationally I know he may be trying to simply meet my "needs" and keep an emotional distance from me (with the quickie)...however the other side of me also sees it as, hey! He's at least verbally recognized to me that this is something I need.
Sometimes a quickie is simply a quickie.
I guess it all depends on where the relationship currently is. I suggested a quickie the other night simply because we were running a bit behind time-wise and with the hormonal menopause/weightloss (expiring fat cells giving up their hormonal stores) bath that I'm going through, my time to orgasm is wildly variable. I wasn't attempting to avoid emotional closeness or make a relational statement, I just didn't want to push for it that night.
Does it seem that some of the difficulty of working through this is the inability to read each other (or the ability to misread), the lack of trust and/or past experiences affecting current events?
Thank you for the inquiry. I find the advice that both you and your H provide to be quite insightful and helpful.
Actually, one of the thoughts that did go through my mind is exactly what you mentioned..."a quickie is just a quickie"...for me it doesn't devalue it one bit, I told my H I was certainly up for that :-) Now, if all we ever had was quickies that would get old...but I did make sure to tell him that quickies were fine by me...we can always take our time with each other when better opportunities present themselves.
Another thing I thought was this...it's very possible he's trying to take into consideration our lack of personal time. We have a 15 mo old at home, and as anyone who has raised children knows...personal time right now is a rare commodity LOL.
To address your question about reading/misreading each other...I do think there is something to that. I have no doubt I don't always know what's going on with my H...he's trying to learn to communicate what's going on with him more effectively, but he's still in his infancy where that's concerned.
I really believe it's a matter of trust for him, not that he doesn't necessarily trust me mind you, but he doesn't trust that what has happened to him in the past won't happen again when he sticks his neck out. It's really difficult to take that 1st step towards really making a change and to trust someone not to hurt you.
So please, tell me if you think I'm excusing too much away. A great deal of my patience with this situation comes from the fact that I've been in his shoes (many, many years ago)...I know what it feels like to take the sexual/emotional beating he's taken...and I also know how difficult it is to overcome it.
I understand what you're going through...I'm currently going through that myself. Why can't my LDH simply do "xyz" because I'm told him that's what I need? I'm really clinging onto those "little improvements" of his that I see.
Without spinning back to other threads, to many of us (me included) this is the crux of things. In my relationship we do ML, at a frequency that is lower than I would prefer but would be ok if the quality was better.
I think I have impressed on my W that I am not happy with the situation, she does seem to enjoy sex and usually has an O. At what point is it to much to ask for her to make more of an effort for me even if she doesn’t understand why. Shouldn’t she be willing or wanting to ask or listen to X,Y,Z and make an effort?
Quote: At what point is it to much to ask for her to make more of an effort for me even if she doesn’t understand why.
I think that's what many of us are battling with...when do we put our foot down? It's a tough thing to deal with, and a very tough question to answer. In many ways that's a double-edged sword, you'd really have to be careful how you approach your W on this. You certainly don't want to tear down her confidence in the bedroom...but by the same token if you don't eventually approach her about it...you won't get what you want.
[ quote] I think that's what many of us are battling with...when do we put our foot down? It's a tough thing to deal with, and a very tough question to answer. In many ways that's a double-edged sword, you'd really have to be careful how you approach your W on this. You certainly don't want to tear down her confidence in the bedroom...but by the same token if you don't eventually approach her about it...you won't get what you want.
Yeah, tell me about it…
Not to switch over to this thread from my own but what the heck,
Yeah, we had ‘the talk’ again last night, she has been avoiding it for a few days, even ML knowing that ‘I couldn’t resist’, but last night when we were in bed I brought it up. What did I bring up? The fact that a number of times over the last few years, I have tried to figure out some way of us both working on the lack of desire aspect of sex life. Usually we have ‘the talk’ followed by some action, or a plan, that isn’t followed for very long. In my other thread (gotta do something) I go into details, but after another IMO failed attempt to get things going I couldn’t go any farther without trying something again.
It really was the same talk, I’m not sure why I expected a different response, but lying in bed I told her that I still wasn’t happy. I did this prefaced with “accolades and I love yous” that really are genuine. She immediately laid on her back starring at the ceiling and stopped talking, arms crossed. I finally had to tell her that we need to talk about this and I went to hug her, she retorted ‘there is nothing to say, I thought things were getting better’ and when I reached over to hug her, she said ‘you have taken all the emotion from me’. You know the way these conversations work, I talk, followed by silence, or a brief retort, trying to hold her hand or hug was pretty well rebuked.
The discussions did hit a few interesting points (not that there was much discussion), I told her that one of the books we got to work on the problem was fun and I enjoyed the response (we did the exercises in it for a few weeks before she dropped it). She said she didn’t like it because it was ‘different’ my reaction was what is wrong with different, we cant keep doing what we are doing.
I hear ya, SoCal. Whenever I have the "talk" with my W, she reminds me how much she gives and gives and how I need to stop pressuring her. Adding insult to injury, she usually says that she was so close to feeling comfortable with me, but that I just set us back a few weeks with my pressure.
On the plus side, she met with a doctor a week or so ago about getting a complete physical, and (reports to me at least) that she mentioned among her concerns her low sex drive. So he took a few blood samples and is going to tell her, no doubt, that she is completely normal.
Oh yes, I do remember how those talks go. I haven't had the pleasure of starting, carrying, and ending one recently. "Normal" can be such a wide spread.
You know...I had a convo one time with my hubby...where he responded very similarly to your W. He gave me the opportunity (and I'm pretty sure your wife gave you this opening as well) where I was able to interject that "different" can be good...because what we were are continuing to do...what wasn't working for us before, still wasn't working and wouldn't somehow magically start working.
You know...that old saying, "don't keep doing what isn't working."
When I find my H gives me the openings to interject information like that...I do my best not to do it in a hateful or attacking manner. I do my utmost to make sure I have an attitude (a genuine one) where I'm really open to listen to what he has to say. Now I'm not saying you aren't doing this LOL...just pointing out what I do that seems to be working for me.
The first C we went to jointly...before he started therapy on his own challenged us to do this. When there is something I really want to talk about (like your convo with your W) and I've received the cold shoulder in the past to the convo (like your wife gives you). I'm to stop right there, put my emotions in check...in other worlds (HOM) and tell him that this is very important to me and that we really need to discuss it. Recognize that the other person isn't open to the discussion right then. If you wish you can literally call her on her body language communicating that to you. Let them know you expect to have this conversation within a certain time frame...even tell them you want to talk about it tomorrow or the next day (whichever fits your schedules best) and then hold to it. Now to be honest our C said for my H to set the appt. with me to talk...but I found that unless I gave him a time frame he didn't do it...setting a time frame for him seems to work for us. Otherwise he'll avoid the issue.
The reason I bring this up (sorry for the long post on this topic) is that I notice your convo happened in bed. Now I won't say my H and I haven't had some of our discussions there....but when he hasn't been open to the discussions, or I notice he's getting really defensive about it I literally move the convo out of the bedroom and to neutral territory so-to-speak. See...I picked up on with my H that having those conversations in the bedroom only made him feel attacked...even if I wasn't "attacking". Is it possible your W feels that way too?
Have you tried anything like I'm mentioned above? And if not, do you think she'd go for it?
You know...I had a convo one time with my hubby...where he responded very similarly to your W. He gave me the opportunity (and I'm pretty sure your wife gave you this opening as well) where I was able to interject that "different" can be good...because what we were are continuing to do...what wasn't working for us before, still wasn't working and wouldn't somehow magically start working.
You know...that old saying, "don't keep doing what isn't working."
When I find my H gives me the openings to interject information like that...I do my best not to do it in a hateful or attacking manner. I do my utmost to make sure I have an attitude (a genuine one) where I'm really open to listen to what he has to say. Now I'm not saying you aren't doing this LOL...just pointing out what I do that seems to be working for me.
The first C we went to jointly...before he started therapy on his own challenged us to do this. When there is something I really want to talk about (like your convo with your W) and I've received the cold shoulder in the past to the convo (like your wife gives you). I'm to stop right there, put my emotions in check...in other worlds (HOM) and tell him that this is very important to me and that we really need to discuss it. Recognize that the other person isn't open to the discussion right then. If you wish you can literally call her on her body language communicating that to you. Let them know you expect to have this conversation within a certain time frame...even tell them you want to talk about it tomorrow or the next day (whichever fits your schedules best) and then hold to it. Now to be honest our C said for my H to set the appt. with me to talk...but I found that unless I gave him a time frame he didn't do it...setting a time frame for him seems to work for us. Otherwise he'll avoid the issue.
The reason I bring this up (sorry for the long post on this topic) is that I notice your convo happened in bed. Now I won't say my H and I haven't had some of our discussions there....but when he hasn't been open to the discussions, or I notice he's getting really defensive about it I literally move the convo out of the bedroom and to neutral territory so-to-speak. See...I picked up on with my H that having those conversations in the bedroom only made him feel attacked...even if I wasn't "attacking". Is it possible your W feels that way too?
Have you tried anything like I'm mentioned above? And if not, do you think she'd go for it?
