It means that he could not bring himself to make a move on me, tell me he wanted sex, act horny, or jump my bones. He needs ME to make a move..or set the scene...etc...somehow to 'direct' what should happen. He does not feel comfortable being the aggressor and YET he also wants the action to occur on days when HE wants it.
In other words, he wants me to initiate on days when he is already horny.
Last night, when we started kissing, it was the icebreaker he needed. It is hard for him to become intimate with my body when he hasn't touched me intimately in a long time. Me....I could jump back into the swing of things much quicker. He needed an actual physical encounter with my squeezy bits..his hand on me..to be able to mentally go to the next step--desire for sex. Until then, the whole thing felt awkward to him.
Do I understand this? F no.
But I could see and feel the sincerity of what he said, last night. I know that he tells me the truth. This is the way that HE experiences his sexuality, at this point in time.
So I have two choices: Give him the icebreakers that he needs, which is a win for him and a half-win for me (I get to ML but it is at the expense of feeling desired).
OR,
Do nothing and watch him flounder around and fail me again.
Despite the depressive sound of this message, I am in a fairly good mood today. Still a small bit of resentment but I am cautiously optimistic that we'll settle into a routine.
Glad you and H got things rolling. I think you have some definite info which can help you plan a strategy, namely, that with 5 weeeks off H wasn't raring to go. You know that the idea of not putting pressure on him/pulling back will not improve things, and that you need to spell out your wants and needs( and I know you are a good speller).
I like your idea of trying the schedule idea and my Sat nite scheduled " date" nite has worked so well that I think I may discuss a 3x/week plan with my H. Right now the other 6 days of the week are up in the air with H determining which of those days we ML. I have noticed that the more I seem that I don't want anything happening, the more likely he will initiate. Because I don't want to be disappointed on a given nite, I don't do anything to support my sex drive( I know this isn't one of your issues) and it becomes harder to turn that around ( but I manage,lol). I will initiate every so often but not on a consistent basis since I am so bad with rejection.
BTW, I used to balk at the Sat nite thing-- I felt under the gun to feel aroused, and I thought spontaneous sex was more passionate. But I made it work for me. I found that the combo of a bath and wine helped to transition me sexually. Now I really love this ritual and I've learned scheduled sex does not mean boring sex ( H broke his toe on a scheduled nite)! I avoid the bath thing during the week bc it signals to H I may want to be sexual which in turn scares him off. How F**ked Up is that, but as you know,some of this is figuring out the psychology of it all.
Anyway, thanks for highlighting this topic and good job in rethinking past thoughts and going out of the box. And thanks to the NOPs for their insights- we are all in awe of your success.
Quote: I don't do anything to support my sex drive
I may be reading this the wrong way, but, if not, that's one of the most beautiful euphemisms for "masturbation" I think I've ever read. I'm thinking that would make a great bumper sticker: Support Your Local Sex Drive
Hairdog - off to buy W a new car this afternoon - maybe that will rev her up! Not.
Buy her a low-rider and tell her it matches her sex drive....
:-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You know, one of the things that came out of our convo from Wed nite (the really bad night) was this line from H: "You want me to have NO self-control?!"
I mean, he was really flabbergasted at the idea of me wanting him to NOT have control over himself. The idea was repugnant to him.
Another interesting thing to note is that I found him all shaved and prettied up down south last night. He said he did it the night before (the baaaad night) in anticipation of our reunion. I said, But H...you didn't want sex that night! He said he had changed his mind, which of course I already knew. But then I remembered that he acted as if he didn't know that I wanted sex that night and I was confused as to HOW he could have missed that point. Turns out he didn't. And that he was even preparing for it. But when the rubber hit the road, he couldn't pull it off so he played dumb instead.
The behavior of the LD spouse really confounds me, at times. I just don't understand the motivation behind it and WHO is benefitting from it. I mean, H is happier since we ML last night, as am I, so why the hesitation? Why the need for an icebreaker?
I suppose I need to stop trying to understand it, eh. Shoot, if HE can't make sense of it then why should I expect to be able to...
As far as the scheduled sex, boring is not one of my worries about it. I don't think the actual sex would be that much different than any other night and maybe even a little better.
See, my H doesn't actively think about sex. Ever. If a sexual thought comes into his brain, he stuffs it away pronto. This is not due to religious hangups so much as it is due to his "self control" issues. But if we both knew that we were having sex that night, it would force him to at least not stuff the thought away, though I doubt it would generate a bunch of thoughts in and of itself.
Honestly, if I never thought about sex, I would not have much of a sex drive. LD people might say that you need a strong sex drive to generate the thoughts in the first place, I don't know. But for me, thinking about it and looking forward to it keep the feelings alive. If I were constantly forcing the thoughts away I don't see how I would be able to maintain a libido. Just having the baby in our room last night was about to ruin everything for me. I almost told H to wheel her bassinet in another room and I probably will in the future. (ASSuming, ahem, that there ARE other encounters in my near future!!)
J, Why do you think the bath would scare your husband off? Pressure? And, really, what is so bad about pressure anyway?
I mean, my H expects me to cook dinner every night. He expects me to go to church on Sundays. He expects me to take care of our kids every day. He expects me to hug him back when he gives me a hug. He expects the house to be spic and span every day.
Am I missing something? We ALL have expectations (btw, that is probably too strong of a term, but I can't think of the proper way to phrase it, so sue me ) of our mates so why does the expectation of sex cause feelings of pressure and fear? I don't understand that..
Is it because it is something that you have to SHARE? It can't be done alone? Meaning, he expects dinner..I cook it..but I do it alone; I am not having to be intimate and up close and personal with him while doing so. Is this the off-putting part?
I do see that it is hard for my H to experience intimate moments unless I really grease the gears, so to speak, lol. Even then, it isn't a foolproof thing. There are other conditions that need to be met. Have I mentioned that ML to him is a pain in the ass?
But obviously I enjoy it or I wouldn't still be here.
) of our mates so why does the expectation of sex cause feelings of pressure and fear? I don't understand that..
