Your H is indeed interesting HP. It's like he needs your permission to give into his biology, which goes along with the self-control aspect of his personality. It's like ignoring that your stomach is growling from hunger until mom says it's time to eat. Maybe he sees this as a form of weakness. I know you are not a dominant lover, but it would be curious to see if he'd give in if you teased and tormented him, almost using reverse psychology (" you can't f**k me").
Anyway, hope you have a nice,loving nite tonite. BTW, the baby sounds sooo cute...I love our new puppy, but I am a baby person.
Hi, Honey, thanks for the nice post. I was good hearing from you. I need to start a new thread of my own, with a more positive tone. A little less Eeyore, a little more Pooh.
Quote: I don't think he has any performance anxiety, except that he feels he can't keep up with me. When we are doing it, though, I don't believe that he feels any sort of anxiety. Is that what you meant? Or just that he looks at sex as something in which he will potentially fail? That is an interesting thought. My H does not like to fail--ever. He is the guy working 100 times harder than anyone else and who pushes himself every day to live up to the standards he has set for himself.
Yes, it's the potential for failure that I was proposing. One thing that perfectionists sometimes do is choose not to participate. If you don't engage in an activity, you can't fail at it. That's my wife in spades.
Quote: Which brings me to my last question: So, we all know about the arousal-then-desire pattern. But my H confounds and confuses me. Last night, when I made the horny comment, I was asking because he was laying there with his erect penis nestled in between cheeks (we were both nude) and, despite that, I knew he wasn't all that horny. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS?
You know, for a lot of us guys, it just doesn't take much arousal to get an erection. So, erection does not equal desire. This casts new light on the little show he put on for you last week when he showed you an erection, told you "See, I DO TOO have desire for you," then rolled over and went to sleep. I can't blame you for being confused. Don't get hypnotized by the hard-on .
Quote: Though when I mentioned him getting horny for me, then is when he came to life and started giving off "I will if you will" signals. At no time did he say he wanted to, he just indicated that he would if I wanted to.
It really seems like he can't show you desire unless he feels safe. Like you have to give him some sign of mutual desire first.
I'm glad things are going so well with the new baby! And I'm hoping you have a passionate evening with Alien H.
Sincerely,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Solid, It is hard to resist the hypnotism when it is so large and loverly.
Seriously, I do realize that all of his erections are not necessarily about desire. I just had always assumed that the Dog In Buns ones were but perhaps I was mistaken. Maybe it is just the sensation of skin-on-skin that the lil' guy is reacting to and not necessarily what/where/who that skin belongs to. That's kinda depressing!
I like your thoughts on failure; it sure does fit with my H's personality. I think he feels that he's gotta have TONS of desire in order to have sex. More on that later.
Quote: It really seems like he can't show you desire unless he feels safe. Like you have to give him some sign of mutual desire first.
This is him to a tee. I always have to go first. I am SICK of going first. This system is fine but it fails to recognize that we, as the HD partner, want to feel the same thing--that we inspired them to feel horny and they want to share the lovemaking experience with us.
Last night: H and I had been very affectionate and kissy most of the night. He gave me some passionate pecks throughout the evening and, at one point, I laid my head on his stomach (he was laying down) and my milk-laden breasts cradled his squeezy bits just right. The mood was set. Then we got into bed and snuggled a bit. He finally turned to me and went to give me a peck. I returned his peck with a passionate real kiss which is not my usual M.O. For all you HD men who might think that I am a dream wife, let me illustrate the depths of my stubbornness and blow that to smithereens: When H initiates, I have become so...so...filled with anxiety over his lack of desire that I tend to lay there and wait for him to show it. This is a bit like waiting for a volcano to erupt. It MAY happen, but statistically speaking, you are wasting your time. Foreplay usually takes a long time (according to him--the time spent is probably about 5-10 minutes) because my mind has not settled down yet. I am still wanting to see that he WANTS to have sex and not that he is placating me. He, like you said Solid, is waiting for me to make it safe so that he can feel his own desire. Sometimes I do this, most of the time I don't. Stubborn, I told ya.
So we fumble around, both of us waiting for the other to show desire first and it would be comical if it wasn't so painful.
When he initiated last night, however, I totally took him off guard with the passionate kiss right off the bat. It was as if someone let off a firecracker inside him. He sprang to life and was instantly into it. That revved me up even more and we fed off each other. It was very nice!
Afterwards, I said to him that I would do that as often as I could, since it worked so well. I said this more to convince mySELF than him.
I still hate going "first" but the results are good when I do and isn't that what this site is all about?
That's the conclusion I am coming to as well. I am learning to work around a less than ideal situation for me and to find happiness. I don't like feeling anxious wondering if H will initate, but I know that he really does need that room. It's also painful to know that he doesn't often desire me when I would like. But I feel I have reached a different level now; the best part of me wants to maneuver around my H's psychological stuff because I sense that he is really trying to make things work. It may not be exactly what I want, but when have I gotten exactly what I want? lol.
I feel as long as he is showing me effort, I can hang in there. Myabe this is love...the glue that holds things together despite all the issues and personal deficencies H and I have. From his POV, he would say that I am needy and that he is working with my hang-ups.
Anyway, you had a great nite...hope we both continue to have more of those!
Journey, H thinks that I am needy as well! I think he thinks women in general are nutz, lol.
I was irritated with him one day last week and he arrived home from work. He looked at me and said, What's wrong? I said, I'm still irritated from what happened at lunch! He said, See that's the difference between women and men...the women can remember every little detail about how they were wronged and the men can't even remember what the fight was about! If I say I'm sorry, you'll bust me on the fact that I don't even know what I'm apologizing about.
I started cracking up laughing cause I knew he was speaking the truth! He had forgotten all about the entire thing and here I was still stewing..
So I do know that my emotional needs freak him out and confuse him, just as my sexual needs do to him. Oh well, we can laugh about them and defuse the whole thing so that is a good thing.
Here is my secret problem with the solution-based approach: If I always go "first" I do indeed get what I want from him but at what price? I tend to feel, after a time, that I have sold my soul. I need to feel his desire, and not always as a result of my own. I could PM the crud outta him but at this point in my life, I am not prepared to follow through with any threats I could make so it is not the right time for that approach.
Anddddddddddd.... Here is my number one problem--expectations. I am setting myself up for a biggie with this idea that, if I make it safe for him, he will begin to enjoy the process so much that he breaks out of his shell and goes first, himself. Maybe this will happen, maybe not.
It is the maybe not that frightens me!
I do remember that, before I was pg, there were times when he would go first but the memory is so distant that I wonder if I am lookin thru rose colored glasses..?
Also, as GEL has reminded me before, I need to keep in mind that his form of desire is very very subtle and I shouldn't expect it to look a certain way. However it's packaged, I need to be aware of what it is that he's giving me and be grateful for it.
Also, as GEL has reminded me before, I need to keep in mind that his form of desire is very very subtle and I shouldn't expect it to look a certain way. However it's packaged, I need to be aware of what it is that he's giving me and be grateful for it.
my question is should we be grateful for it if, even in the right direction, isn't egnough. At what point are we grateful for a compromise that isn't fulfilling to one person in the relationship?
Sorry to bring you all down, but this one is cutting too close to home for me...
My comment regarding being grateful for the small shows of desire, no matter how subtle, is that merely to point out that it's a starting point for the LD, they're making an effort and if we don't look to recognize some of those efforts we'll miss them.
I wasn't trying to suggest that we suck it up and continue to take those small displays of desire as a permanent band aid. Naturally at some point we'd all get pretty fed-up with the same small shows of desire.
My point was more to say that looking for those small shows of desire isn't easy...but if you can do that while your spouse is working on things it really does help. Fortunately for me right about the time I get really frustrated I see another "sign" that my LDH is working on things...something that is another stretch for him personally, although it would probably not be a stretch of any type for me.
I'm back... Yeah, I know what you mean about wanting to go second. I've caught myself doing that much more often now that I've pushed the issue, and as a result wind up kinda ticked that if there is any spark on her part it just sputters. Mea culpa, I know. So what is it all about anyway? Why are we sticking icepicks in our eyes just because we don't want to go first???? It's been a week since we've had anything physical at all, and that was a half-hearted BJ. Been closer to 2 weeks since last LM, so why don't I feel like going first?
Perhaps, but I think it may be more than that. I think a large part of it is that I want to know that she is desiring me, not jsut reacting to me starting her engine up.
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