I've had a great day with my kids and feel a little better.
Last night was a mixture of good and bad but mostly bad.
We had a nice night with the kiddos (CN, I went to my second WW meeting and lost weight, yeah baby).
We settled in to watch the Cardinals lose the WS and put the kids to bed. Here are the positives: 1. I was sitting on a chair and H was on the couch. I had been nursing baby and he put her to bed. When he came back, he asked me to sit with him. I was delighted and went to him. 2. I stretched my legs out on him and he began stroking them, as well as one of my breasts. I knew this was his way of showing desire. He was making an obvious try at meeting my needs and I gave him my warmest smile I could muster. (didn't want to verbally praise him as we were both engrossed in the game and the last thing I wanted to do was start a sex talk) The warm smile was duly noted by him.
The negatives: 1. When we got to bed, he immediately turned his back to me, although he did scoot close to me. 2. He was snoring within 2 minutes. 3. He said that since we were watching the game, " We had decided not to ML and watch the game instead." I emphasized the We because, of course, there was no we..it was only him making this decision unilaterally--in his head--and not letting me in on the process. 4. He told me I was stuck on myself because I ask for reassurance, question why he does not desire me, etc. 5. He played dumb on several points and it was getting on my nerves. For instance, he said "I didn't even know you wanted sex tonight!" I replied that we had agreed to it the night before (where was he?).
There were more negatives but I will not rehash the entire negative experience and potentially bring you good people down with me.
Here is the bottom line for me: I understand that he is LD. Like MrsNOP described in another thread, he experiences twinges that are easily ignored.
But there is another thought in my head which says that a man who has not had sex in 5 weeks should WANT HIS WIFE, I don't give a rip how he experiences desire. If not physical desire, then the desire to reconnect with his wife.
And, folks, my H surely needs physical release. He does not mbate, of this I am certain. I read this sometimes from other posters and think "oh bullcrap" but I can tell you that this is not something I even wonder about. He does not do it.
I go back and forth on his testosterone level. On one hand, I am sure it's fine. (he was tested yrs ago) He gets erections fine, has plenty of desire once we start, and he does not have any of the other symptoms of low T. OTOH, I may press him to get tested anyway just to rule this out.
So back to my night. He was caressing my legs while we watched the game (he touched my breast also but it was the one I had just fed with and I couldn't feel a thing...baby makes it numb). I suspected he was turned on and yet not 5 minutes later he was sleeping. I don't get that!
He was, as usual, overly concerned with the time on the clock and when I pointed out that after 5 wks with no sex, I would expect that he would be so excited about the sex that the time wouldn't be THAT much of a factor. It was 9:45, btw. Late for us but not the middle of the frickin night either.
I also asked him what it would take for him to experience desire for me. He said, You mean you want me to think about f*cking you while I'm at work?! I've already told you I will NEVER do that!!
I said, No that is not what I'm talking about..I'm talking about just regular desire..the feeling of wanting me and then being inspired to show that to me somehow.
He answered without answering, if that makes any sense. Could put a politician to shame.
This morning he wrote me an email that said he is not sexually aggressive. He reminded me that on our second date, he was too shy to even sit next to me. We were at his house and we were sitting on separate sofas! He said, If I was that much of a lameass then why would you think it would be different now? I am the same person!
I responded that I am certain that he WANTED to sit next to me, but was too shy/awkward to do it. The difference between then and now is that he does not WANT to "sit on the same couch" so the aggression is a moot point.
Folks, I am so tired of having a man SAY he does desire me and yet not want to ML to me.
If I am missing something here, point it out to me.
Here is one final and interesting thing: He never read SSM but he wrote in his email today that if I want to see his desire that it will require "physical aid" from me throughout the day and encounter.
So it looks like he fits into the arousal-desire pattern, as well.
The funny thing is that he is only like this occasionally. It is not a constant thing, as it appears to be with the LDW's. Which is why I spend so much time overanalyzing, because he constantly keeps me guessing. There is no rhyme or reason to his sexuality, that I can see.
I cannot believe that my H doesn't want me.
Isn't that silly? It is probably as plain as day to you folks but every time I am confronted with it, I freak out! He is the man I love..if nothing else, I guess I expected that he would fake it just so as not to hurt my feelings.
I am tired of being disappointed and hurt and am REALLY ambivalent about going back to a sexual R with him.
Honeypot, the Lonesome Loser who still keeps on tryin'.
I'm so glad you finally posted. I think I'm fused with you!
Quote: I cannot believe that my H doesn't want me.
Isn't that silly? It is probably as plain as day to you folks but every time I am confronted with it, I freak out!
No this isn't silly, honey. It freaks me out, too about my bf. I believed that any guy would be thrilled to have an enthusiastic, experienced lover like me, and ESPECIALLY if he's in love with me (and, like you, I have no doubt that he is). <sigh, again>
This brings up another one of my theories and that is that at your first meeting with a potential romantic partner, there are signals and hints of the things that will be your areas of biggest conflict... mini-red flags, if you will. Unfortunately, we're usually too optimistic and hopeful to see them and Get the Message.
Closely correlated is the saying: when a person tells you who he (or she) is, BELIEVE him (her).
On the other thread, I mentioned that when I first met my bf at the computer store (after I was single again), we got to talking and I felt the sparks really flying. I stayed talking until the store closed, and then I boldly said: "Let's go have a drink." He agreed immediately, and I was attracted by his non-hesitation and enthusiasm. We sat and talked for five hours. I poured out stuff about music, about my recent period of grieving (about which he was so sweet and tender), about school. He talked about himself-- it was great. We really connected.
Then we walked out in the parking lot, and before I got in my car, I hugged him. There wasn't one speck of warmth from him to me in that hug. It was like hugging a big stuffed animal. At the time, it struck me as very odd. I mean, I wouldn't have expected him to cop a feel or anything like that, but I would have expected a sense of warmth commensurate with our five-hour conversation. I'm a pretty huggy person-- and there are different types of hugs, goodness knows, but this one just didn't ring true. It was as if you went down a row of bells and tapped each one with a hammer and they all rang sweetly, and the last one went "clunk." A little red flag went up inside me that I ignored.
What that lukewarm-blah hug told me in my guts that I ignored was that this man likes you but for some reason is not comfortable communicating that to you physically. And that is still the issue.
Long way of saying, that maybe that in that first shy meeting, he told you who he was... and now you're having to face it and accept it...
One of the things you posted about your H doesn't make sense to me. You say that his Testosterone levels are "fine". (I think you mentioned once before that he tested at a "high" level.)
Unless T affects men in different ways, it seems to me that his desire for you/sex is as often as his T level builds. My T level is high and I can't NOT think about schelpping my W, at work, at the grocery store, driving in the car...well, you get the idea.
I'm very much aware of the difference in my HD desire for sex and my T level craving for it. If not for my HD, I'd be docile on days that my T level had been depleted. But in my case, I'm lucky enough to want sex whether my body is screaming for it or not.
I understand that Mr. HP is LD and therefore doesn't think about sex "normally". That's the equivalent of it not coming naturally to him to give you the kind of compliments that you need to hear. But T is nature's "sexual pursuit potion" for a man (and a woman, too, according to the latest research). THAT'S what seems to be dripping too slowly in Mr. HP.
I've learned that I'm unable to relate to a LDM's thinking or behavior. But, it seems like a good thing to do to go for that second opinion. Maybe there is a large range of T levels for "normal" and he's on the lower end of the range. Grinding up a T pill and putting it on his cereal might wake up King Kong.
Just a thought...but wouldn't it be nice to know that you had to find that blonde wig and prepare to be thrown over his shoulder and carried to the top of the Empire State building every night?
Speaking of woulda coulda shoulda known... When I first met my wife I thought, "Man she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She'll never want me." Actually she sort of initiated our first LM encounter. It wasn't pretty, but I do remember it. I sensed what you did with your bf, but I was so happy to have her, KWIM?
Hindsight is so interesting... my bf is gorgeous. I have NEVER attracted a guy even remotely as good-looking as he is. I'm not a toad, and I clean up pretty good, but am strictly average with a capital A.
One time I said to him, "You are so good looking, I was surprised..." and then I stopped in midsentence because I realized that what I was about to say was a real put-down of ME, but he jumped right in and finished my sentence: "...surprised that I would notice you?" I wasn't sure what that meant at the time, and I'm still not sure.
But I have two degrees while he flunked out of college because of being a druggie, have $$$ in the bank while he is totally broke. Yeah, he be one o' dose Bad Boys-- something else I never had! (I thought all of them BB's were sex maniacs!)
Maybe being with a really good-looking guy is part of my "scoring" system. I get an "A" in "FINALLY attracted a cool guy to make up for being a socially inept nerd in high school." (I had ONE date in high school and college together!-- that's one date in eight years!)
Yeah, while I was getting A's in all my classes, I was getting straight F's in relationships. I had some pretty weirded out gf's. I'm not blaming anyone but myself; I sought out those types. It didn't help that I dressed like a homeless person and would put you down if I got the chance. Heck, when I was 12, I pushed a shaker full of pepper into a kid's face because I thought it would make me like him!?!?
I'm more or less cleaned up now, but look where I'm posting .
I'm right in that boat with you Honey! I've also come to the conclusion that my husband fits the arousal=desire pattern. He's fine once I get things started, but damn! It's frustrating to always have to be the one to do that.
I'm still hopeful, he is still going to counseling, and he's doing better about talking with me. But just last night he made it very clear to me (indirectly) by mentioning that he had told his C that there are certain things he will NEVER talk about...the topic was his sexuality. There is something buried that he will not let out.
We are growing closer with our EC because we are learning to communicate better...but the sexual frustrations are still there. All I can do is work on myself, pray, be an awesome mom (like you), and love him.
