I agree with Lil...it does sound like your H enjoys the feeling of self-control. You mentioned the same thing in other posts...that he gets hard-ons but doesn't use them. I guess it's a bit like passing up on that piece of chocolate ( at least that's what I can relate it to, lol). The thing is, he is sort of in his own world about all this, not recognizing that his actions have an effect on you. He passes up on the chocolate and therefore you have to as well.
He does indeed like self control. I know I have said this before but he absolutely sailed through boot camp and his entire gig with the USMC. It was nothing to him because bodily discomforts are nothing to him. He has this way of transcending it that makes it easier on him than others. He would look at the guys crying on the side of the road, after a 20 mile hump in the desert hills and think "what's the matter with these guys??"
I don't think it is religious based; I think he was solely focused on the dang alarm clock. See, his mind was not in the right spot (kids being stinkers, etc) and he can't wind down.
Now, I knew then that I could have gotten him in the mood. If I had carried on long enough with the stroking he would have caved.
But you know what? I deserve more than a man who "caves". I just DO!
I don't mind doing that on an occasional basis but not after this long of an abstinence. I want desire. I will hold out until I get it.
He mentioned that he wanted to reschedule for tonite. What do you think will happen? ( I am aware this is exactly the kind of thing that AtlDave's C said not to do, but what harm can a little speculation do?)
You do deserve better...I just posted this earlier on one of the other threads...thought I'd share it with you (just a part of it to save space) LOL.
I had initiated ML again last night, we were both undressed and on the bed, I was trying to get him aroused and he just began acting goofy...completely not sexual at all...he kept tickling me and that really turns me off when I'm trying to be sexual.
I finally looked him dead in the eye and said "forget it! I'm not doing this, not this way." He looked at me with surprise and complete confusion and wanted to know what was wrong (I've never stopped on him like that). So I took a deep breath looked at him for a few minutes, tried to calm my heart down (I always get nervous trying to have these conversations, I'm still no good at them) and said. "Look...I need to feel wanted...and when I say "wanted" I mean I need to feel that my husband looks at me as a sexually appealing person, that he wants to ML to, whether we ML all the time or not...you don't do that. Do you have any idea how good you would make me feel if just once...ok more than just once, every now and then you'd come to me and want to ML?"
So I took advantage of the opening and explained to him that I have a very sensual personality...and that a portion of my self confidence/esteem comes from feeling sensual/sexual...it's part of who I am.
GEL - Who offered to tie a ribbon around her husband's member in order to remind him to ML to his wife
Journey, I think that if our night goes smoothly and it is not past nine o'clock and the baby falls asleep and doesn't want to nurse, etc etc, he will then:
Tentatively initiate. There will be no great show of passion but he will follow through on his word if all goes well. It will not be earth shattering sex..nothing out of the ordinary..but it will be nice and we will connect again. I believe the awkwardness comes in b/c he knows I want so much more out of our M in terms of passion and this freaks him out and makes him feel inadequate.
Then the next night he will want to do it again, only this time he will feel more comfortable with the idea and there might be passion and/or something different (oral, for example).
The next night he may want to do it again and it will be much like the last night. He MIGHT even show some sign of desire beforehand. (the more sex we have, the more comfortable he gets with the process..)
Then he will want a night off and may even start acting weird or standoffish in order to make his wishes WELL known. If it goes longer than 4-5 days with no sex then we start the cycle all over again, with the first time being awkward and devoid of passion and then slowly getting into our groove. If we manage to hook up before all the magic has completely worn off, then there is a greater chance that it will just be two people coming together normally.
Whew. How was that for an answer!
I know we are supposed to not technically do this...but look, I have been doing this with him for over 2 years now. I KNOW THE ROUTINE.
I was thinking this morning that if I don't like this routine (and I really don't, although it's not awful or anything) that I need to do something drastic to bust it up. I'm still mulling over ideas..
This self-control thing and passing up the chocolate is very interesting... bear with me and see if you think this is too much of a stretch:
Let's go back for a second to my concept of sex as "scoring." In my case-- and this is an exaggeration-- when I have a sexual encounter, I get points on my Permanent Record Card in the category of "attractive to men (or a man)." I guess if I give a great BJ or have a great O, I get points in the category "ALL WOMAN!" (Yes, I am probably One Sick Puppy, but I AM in therapy, after all.)
If someone offers me chocolate and I turn it down, I get points for "successfully staying on my diet" and I feel good about myself.
In Honey's H's case, if he feels desire and exercises self control (by not following up on it especially if it is an inappropriate time), my hypothesis is that he believes he gets points on his Permanent Record Card in the categories "self control," "resisted temptation," and "delayed his gratification." The last one sounds really possible... points for saving your dessert for later, instead of devouring it FIRST, which is what your carnal nature wants you to do. He may also feel he gets points for using his mind to overcome bodily inclinations.
Any one of these might be good for more points on HIS card than simply doing what comes naturally, namely, following his inclinations and giving in to desire. I mean, it's possible that he might see following his desire as self-indulgence, gratification, immoderation, and any number of not exactly bad things, but marginally questionable things-- on the slippery slope, as it were. Maybe he feels that if he follows his desire, he'll turn into a sex fiend! (You should be so lucky! )
Maybe he gets a better over all "score" on his score card for NOT revealing his desire and following it than he would if he simply did what the average <sigh> guy would do, namely, felt horny and went looking for his wife.
Especially if he was in the military and presumably around lots of loose sex talk and behavior, and particularly being an ex-seminarian-- he may feel that he's above all that stuff, and that your relationship is above all those carnal appetites.
Lil, pondering the sand castle she has built and waiting for the wave
(Yes, I am probably One Sick Puppy, but I AM in therapy, after all.)
