So last night S. came over, and we snuggled into bed. He was being extra affectionate and kept calling me Miss This and Miss That in a flirty way. I fixed the ice cream and we watched the first three minutes of a movie before we decided we were too exhausted, and so we ML instead. Afterward, as we were dozing, I reached up to kiss him and I said, "Goodnight, sweetie." He squeezed me very hard and said "Goodnight, Jennifer. I love you."
I was not expecting this, and the physical reaction I had surprised even me. I practically squeezed the life out of him and said "ILY too," and after a minute I said "It means so much to me to hear you say that." And then he squeezed the life out of me, too.
And so after a pause I thought it was a good time to say, "You know, I'm sorry I reacted badly to the flowers. I had such a good time last night, and I was so happy you took me out - I really like it when you take me out - and I don't want to take away from that. I really didn't want to take away from that." And he nodded, and we snuggled down and went to sleep.
Now I can really get down to the business of letting him KNOW what my LL are and how he can speak them, rather than getting all flipped out and stupid when he can't read my mind (and, of COURSE, finding out how I can speak his LL effectively).
This is the weekend we do our geeky LL charts.
So yesterday's positives: 1. I let him have cave time without pursuing 2. I Acted As If when I called, and when he called me back, rather than letting the tension and tentativeness from the morning creep into my voice 3. I validated the hell out of him for taking me out, which is something that is important to me and he rarely does 4. I got an ILY!!! 5. I was able to apologize for crazymaking and validate at the same time, without making a big deal out of it 6. All is forgiven 7. He wants to meet up with FF and me tonight, after FF and me have dinner and catch up - showing interest in my friends 8. I asked him to set the alarm and he said, "Absolutely not! When you do it, you lean over me and stick your cute butt up into the air. No way am I missing out on that." (sorry if it's TMI )
Hi Jen - Lots of good stuff here on your thread, looks like we all share some aspects of the piecing challenge I like the discussion with Betsey on 'selling' our solutions. Hmmm.
Hope the weekend is on a superlative scale. Slowly
Thanks for the gopherdance, Slowly! and thanks for the web site, Ellie - I took a gander and Ilike the concept. My finances are under control - I've been following a plan and now I'm ready to move to the next step. S.and I had some pillow talk about it over the weekend. I think he's feeling more secure, because I'm bringing it up more and he feels secure when he feels more in the loop.
This weekend was busy - Saturday morning I left S. for the day to go to yoga and then to the Met with a close MF who just moved to NYC. I could tell that S., was a little jealous, because I went to the Met AND I went with MF, who is both straight and single, but S. was busy with other stuff and so he had no say. Later, though, I noticed that he made an extra effort to get me home for dinner, and we had a nice dinner together that he cooked, after which we hung out and talked until bedtime.
Sunday we went to - now get this - S's ex-girlfriend's brother's son's baptism party. I was anxious because I didn't know a soul and S. knew 50 people. But we had fun. Ex-GF is Haitian and a professional dancer, and I was feeling some anxiety about dancing, especially since the music was Haitian and everyone was a great dancer (especially ex-GF) - but I could see S. wanting to dance and feeling like he had to sit with me instead, not asking.
So I decided I would get over myself. I started moving a little in the chair, and I could see S's conflict - then I smiled at him and he sort of mumbled "want to dance?" totally expecting me to say no, and I jumped up and said "I thought you'd never ask!" and we had a GREAT time dancing - smiling at each other, etc. It was a big 180 for me - I tend to be serious sometimes and a little anxious at parties - holdover social anxiety...
So afterward, we came home and the couple I live with had invited people for dinner - we made it to the dessert and more-wine portion - and S. very jovially agreed to a ski trip about which he had previously freaked out 2 months ago when i asked him - too much traveling, he said... But I just discovered that when he's in front of people, he's magnanimous and so when one of the guests asked if we were going to Colorado with the group, I said "I am, I don't know about this guy!" and poked him teasingly. He looked at me in mock surprise and said "I'm going! I don't know what she's talking about!" and so therein ended my anxiety about approaching him with the trip again. I'm quite sure if I had asked him again and we were alone, he would have hemmed and hawed over it - expensive, etc. I also think that the fact I was going with our without jarred him into accepting.
Anyway, this w-e we didn't talk about our LL or plan our trip for the free tickets, but we had a good time together nonetheless. Last night I went over after my yoga class and made sure I had plenty to read while he worked on his "piles" - stuff that has to be filed away that has been accumulating for the last year. I could tell he was really appreciating that I could "hang out" without being entertained - so much so that he kept finding things to interrupt my reading to talk about or show me. So I finally put it away and paid him the attention.
Afterward, we snuggled into bed, and for once, I was falling asleep while he was talking talking talking, and I could tell he was feeling very close to me. He kept snuggling closer, even though he was plastered up against me, and finally I said, half-asleep and barely able to talk, "I'd turn over and kiss you goodnight if I could move," and he squeezed me tight and kissed the back of my neck about 15 times. It was VERY sweet and somewhat of a change for both of us. I'm usually the one blabbing and snuggling while he dozes off. I could really feel his love last night, and it was great.
So I have to find more ways to speak his LL (QT) - hanging out while he works on things is one thing, but I need to find other ways, too. Tomorrow we drive up to Storm King cultural center to look at outdoor sculpture, in particular the wall by Andrew Goldsworthy that was on a DVD we just saw together. We seem to really connect when we see things together and then go and do some extension of that. Last year we went to see some paintings by an American artist, and there were some beautiful landscapes of the Shawangunk Mountains, and two days later we drove up to go hiking in those mountains. We really connected doing that, and had a great time looking for the particular type of landscape that was in the paintings. We even found the perspective the artist had painted from. At the time I didn't know about validating, but I remember how much S. was acting like he had made the mountains to look like the paintings just for me, and I have to laugh at myself for not realizing he needed to be praised for having "brought" me there.
Anyway, I blather. Things are good. Bumpy at times, but good. I just need to find ways to make S. feel more fulfilled by me - as I have been lately reverting back to subtly controlling behaviors. Snap it back, Jennifer!
This week's goals are:
1. book out tickets for the February trip to ?? and the January ski trip 2. talk about our LL, even if we don't make our charts yet 3. find other ways to have QT, as well as hanging out while S. works 4. get my own piles cleaned up 5. make S. feel like a prince, and up those WOA
#1 way S. loves his QT: sitting with him while he works, or having a stimulating conversation at home
2. asking him about something from his past 3. talking about his philosophy about the way he keeps his land up in Vermont (native species, etc.) 4. going to museums and historical homesteads (and NOT complaining when he wants to spend time in the gift shop looking at books!) 5. taking a spontaneous walk in the neighborhood 6. reading together in bed (means I have to go to bed earlier) 7. running together in the park 8. taking a picnic to Central Park 9. reading aloud to each other (I had forgotten about how much we loved this when we were in Vermont three weeks ago - his sister's D9 had a book that we pilfered after hours and took to bed with us, reading aloud in funny accents.) 10. playing a game like Scrabble
Hi Jen - I'm just discovering how important QT is to NG, too. His big thing? Sitting with him, just meditating. I used to think that if I was in the vicinity but got on with stuff, it would count, bit oh no It seems to stress him out if I'm 'doing' things, he just enjoys being reflective, and wants peaceable companionship while he does that...
Thanks for posting this list, it just sparked some other ideas for the weekend Slowly
I'm pressed for time, but I wanted to copy and paste this before I forget about it - DUH! It's from MovingForward's thread, quoting from Ellie on someone in Newcomers (who is the second cousin of...).
Quote: It was about the WAS telling the OP that they are back with their spouse and ending all contact.
Quote: Maybe some of it is fear of losing their safety net, but I think a lot of it is plain embarrassment. After all, they told the OP all kinds of negative things about their marriage in order to justify the affair. Now they have to go back and say "gee, it's really not like that, and my spouse is actually a great person, and I love them". How hard is that gonna be???
I have been pissed off that H has never flat out told the OW to leave him alone. I never stopped to think that he didn't do it because he felt like a big doofus. .... How stupid would he look to say to her HE asked me to get back together and make the M work ... Now I get it. He said he just gets off the phone with her when she calls. ... He is never going to tell her. He just wants her to go away. He even said she will eventually get the hint .... Reading that was definitely an AHA moment for me.
Interesting thought. I knew S. would be hard-pressed to tell Swiss Miss about me, especially since he was going back and forth, but I never actually put my finger on it so clearly. As is MF's H, S. is just avoiding the subject altogether by not calling her. She, too, has gotten the "hint" and not called in 6 weeks (2 months?). The only thing is, she will eventually call. They are "friends," have been for 10 years. Eventually, he has to tell her.
*** The weekend and last few days have been great with S., and we are getting along well.
Tuesday night I had the great pleasure of meeting GBO over Ethiopian food with H2H (already met, of course!). We not only shared spicy African stews on a huge platter, soaked up by spongy injera, but also insights and words of encouragement about each other's situation. It was a lovely evening.
Last night met TKKC1 (from Newcomers) for the first time, along with "old" friend Merrick, whom you all know from Piecing, for an impromptu dinner at a downtown French-Moroccan haunt. Also a lovely evening, if completely different from girls' night out!
Tonight S. is out with a (cute F) colleague, and various things (among them, yes, snooping) have led me to believe he is lying to me somewhat about what he's doing. H2H knows the details and has told me to drop it - I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I may post about it later, depending on the outcome and if I feel like it's a big enough deal.
Yuck. Two steps forward, one step back, sometimes. At least I'm still going forward.
No more ILYs since the one from last week. But I'm OK with it so far.
Um, I couldn't help but give you a dose of your own medicine . . .
JinBklyn on Slowly's thread:
Quote: Focus on the positives, Slowly. Easier said than done, but just try to let it drop. I have to remind myself of this every single day. Take it one day at a time. Ask yourself, Will this question bring me closer, or push him farther away?
I have given you my line of thinking offline, since you haven't posted your 'dilemma'. However, if you think you can handle the consequences, then by all means, put on an Oscar-winning performance of "OH, wow what a coincidence" and watch him squirm, feel uncomfortable, which will hit at least one or two of his hidden fear buttons, and possibly lead him to anger, and feeling 'followed' and wondering just how this 'coincidence' happened, etc.... If you're ready to watch him squirm and possibly get angry and possibly retreat into his cave licking his "i got caught" wounds, then by all means, Dear, go!
BTW, are you really that good an actress? I know that my eyes, and the flush of anger in my face, would surely give me away . . . BUT, you're not me. . .
Afterward, as we were dozing, I reached up to kiss him and I said, "Goodnight, sweetie." He squeezed me very hard and said "Goodnight, Jennifer. I love you."
and said "ILY too," and after a minute I said "It means so much to me to hear you say that." And then he squeezed the life out of me, too. 
I like the discussion with Betsey on 'selling' our solutions. Hmmm. 
Slowly 
