Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I have lost my soulmate to OW

That is not necessarily bad...H will have a year to find out what REALITY is all about. He will miss his S3, and learn to realize that the grass is not always greener. How long does it take where you live for the D to be finalized? I would stall it if you still want H. I truly believe that this will allow him to "wake" up.

I am sorry this has been so painful for you. I know as you do how "discarded" and "used up" this feels. I truly don't understand why they don't just D us first, then find the "happiness". This is truly one of the most emotionally devastating experiences I can think of. Hang in there, and keep posting. I will try to keep up with you. - M

MEM

thanks mem I really appreciate the uplift
I know that a part of me has to think this is a good thing let him live with her and reality set in for awhile and it will either make them or break them and if it breaks them and IF he wants to try and get his family back then its my decision not his. And yeah it is a good thing that her D will not even be started for awhile like we say Time is on OUR side About stalling my D believe me I will do what I can to stall it but I think with him being in NC and only being here 1 weekend a month that will stall it as well. Im not sure how long it would take a D in Fl to go through though?? And yeah maybe when he gets the papers to it will "wake" him up and shake him into reality but honestly I dont see him being served as waking him up because he is still in euphoria with his feelings for OW.
You know why they dont do the D they want us to because we are their stability whether they realize it or not deep down they dont want to truly give us up completely yet at least not until THEY are 100% sure they want to. Deep down they all know that these OP are "fun" but I think they also may realize that wow what will happen when the fun is gone will I want to still be with this OP? And thats when they start thinking about us. Like they say only 5-10% of these A's go on and produce long lasting loving R's or M's.
OK now let me read my own post and take my own advice
LostInFl

H came over last night to see S3 when he brought him back he initiated a conv. Starting off first with I look good am I doing ok and I said trying but not totally ok. ( I did send him an email which I will attach) He said he got my email and said it really touched him and said it looks like alot of thought went into it. He went on to say that he has been looking to God for help (he has never been spiritual) and that he has been talking with someone about that and he even has a bible now. But he still feels he needs to leave that he needs to straghten things out in his life and that right now what he wants is to be with OW although he has had doubts about it but he has to go with how is feeling right now. Also shared that there are jealousy issues in their R both with her and her with him (his and I's closeness and him wondering if she will go back to her H) Also states that there are things he needs to deal with and confront i.e. his bad R with his stepmom and no R with his mom. And also how he wants to get his GED and go back to school. I told him that I just wished he felt he could accomplish those things here but that I know he cant and that no matter how hard it is for me to let him go that that is something I have to do and maybe it will bring us back together and maybe it wont although I was still hoping that it would. I think he knows deep down that the thing with OW isnt going anywhere and its like he has to go up there to get the ball rolling on that you know, but I could be wrong. And I did say to him if I knew what I could say or do to make him fall in love with me again I would do it and he just looked at me and said Time...And as he left I gave him a hug he didnt completely hug me back though and I said that I didnt know what to do and he simply said patiance. So its killing me knowing that as of this weekend he will be living with OW in another state and taking her to a NASCAR race this sunday(Our favorite sport, did I mention she lives in NASCAR mecah!)
Time and patience 2 things that this board tells me to have and now H is telling me to have!
LostInFl
PS here is the email I sent him:
First of all, I want you to relax. I know starting to read this letter must be stressful for you, but what's in here comes from deep respect for you, so it should be OK.

I'm sorry. I want to apologize for the things that happened between us that I had a hand in. I know I've said "I'm sorry" to you many times, but I'm writing this so I'm sure I get it right, and you know what I'm sorry about. At the very least, you deserve that.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to show you the affection and closeness you deserved. I was so caught up in my own world that I failed to see how much you needed to talk, hear loving words from me and simply be held. I wish I had opened up to you, because I needed it, too.

I'm sorry I ever took you for granted. I'm ashamed of myself especially for this, because you are handsome, intelligent, and sexy and you should never have to doubt how truly amazing you are.

I'm sorry I never really heard what you were saying when you were desperately asking me for what you needed. My only consolation is now that I really understand what you were saying, I'm sorry I wasn't a very good friend to you for so long.

I'm sorry I was so often rigid and unreasonable. I see this now as a huge flaw in myself, and as a cowardly way to avoid dealing with changes. Changes that would just have made our life together more fulfilling. I was an unthinking, controlling ass and you were right to be frustrated and expect better of me.


I'm sorry I didn't tell you and show you how proud I was of you, all you've done and all you've become. You've accomplished so much and really come into your own. I admire, respect and look up to you in so many ways. You've become quite an amazing person, and I loved seeing all those things in you.


You've had to take a very painful and difficult step, and are trying to find your way to happiness. Your happiness is very important to me, and I have faith that we will both be OK, either together or apart. I see so many qualities in you for me to admire, respect and love you. I will always be your greatest fan. I know you feel that I don’t deserve you that I deserve better but if I had to do it all over again and know in the end this is were we would be today I would still have chosen you to share my life with.

I'm sorry I didn't let you see that before.



I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you find that happiness that you are looking for

***Someone on one of these bb's actually wrote something very similiar but said everything I wanted to say but didnt know how to

Well he is outta here. He stopped by tonight to say goodbye to our S3 and off he went all decked out in his cowboy gear and his truck loaded with his "toys" he is off to start that new wonderful life he has planned with OW A long sleepless night ahead of me I can tell you that
LostInFl

LIF - It is always darkest before the dawn. He needs to come back because he has decided that is what HE wants to do. Anything less will be unsatisfactory FOR YOU. Sometimes people get into something and pride, selfishness etc., get in the way of doing what makes sense. He needs to miss YOU and who you are. He needs to miss S4 and to miss out on what your "family" means to him, and that you get a whole different dynamic when you split that apart.

What are the chances that this other R will work out? Do you think he can really live as a married man, with a married woman for a whole year? Has he changed from the person you fell in love with to a person who can really do all of these things?

In the meantime, you will have to fill the gap for S4. I know MY S4 (just turned 4 Sept. 30th), knows when "daddy" has been on business trips for a long time. He tells me he misses him and gets whiney. You will have to be strong for you and for S4 right now.

H will have to come back unless he plans on abandoning S4. Perhaps when he realizes how much he is missing of his sons life, it will help him reconsider.

From here you will grown and get stronger. WHEN he comes back, you will have to sit and think about whether you want HIM back. (The answer should be yes, even though it will mean lots of hard work to rebuild the love and trust you have lost, b/c you will still have child that deserves a happy/healthy family.)

Keep posting, keep venting, and we will try to keep your spirits up throught this journey. We did not ask to be here, yet here we are, supporting each other. That is a blessing in and of itself. - M

_______________________

when do you know when to say "when"?

mem
thanks sooo much for your upbeat post it really did make me feel better. And yes if he did come back I want him to come back because HE wants to not because "its the right thing to do" and maybe he will miss me and maybe not all I know is that right now if it wasnt for S3 then I would have never saw him again after he left in June.
I really dont know what the chances are of their R working I mean I only know about her what H tells me and of course thats nothing but good stuff and she is a very nice person and an honest person and she is so sweet to him crap. But everyone seems to think it wont last and it will run its course but H could be like I will stay with her just to prove you all wrong! Anyways yes I do need to fill the gab for S3 he is short a parent now and with me having to pick up a 2nd job I have a tough road ahead of me. Why is it that the person that doesnt want this is the person that has to work twice as hard to stay afloat while the one that leaves is "living the life" where is the justice in that!
Oh and it seems H did go to work today he must have just hooked his trailer up and stayed at his buddies house last night. And the only reason I know that is because I got a short but sweet email from him today that said....got served today....and thats all it said he didnt sign it or nothing. I of course started crying when I read it and thought well that should make his day he got what he asked me to do so he should be able to go up to NC enjoy officially living with OW today and have a nice candlelight dinner tonight and they can toast to the fact that they have 1 down and 1 to go. I know my family supports me and my decisions and they know that if he came back I would give him a 2nd chance (that is if enough time hasnt passed and I change my mind) but my dad told me last night that if I took him back he would never accept it. And that got me to thinking if we did reconcile I want my family to be there to support it and thought what if they wont?? Would that influence my decision to try with him? Have any of you had family that said they wouldnt support it if you reconciled and if you did anyways did they really turn their back on you??
LostInFl

InaMess
actually H thought it was a really touching email and he said it looked like alot of thought went into it so yeah I would say it definitly gave him something to think about. What you wrote were the exact qualities that I failed in our R and when I read that I was like wow thats what I want to tell him but could never figure out how to word it!!! I mean it got him to initiate an R talk, although he is still moving in with OW but hopefully he kept that email and when ever he doubts living me or being with her he can read that and know that I know where I failed.
THANKS!!!
LostInFl

LIF - It never seems fair does it? At any rate, sending him the letter was a good thing. I know when I sent/wrote my H letters, he seemed to "get it" better that during a "R" talk. Maybe it's because the pressure is off and it is non-threatening.

H's response is good. He will remember it even if he does not have it. He will remember it when reality starts to hit.

Don't think about H and OW tonight. Please, go out and do something with S3 and have fun tonight.

The short reply to "I got served" could mean ambivalent feelings. It's better than an e-mail saying "hallelujia, thank goodness, it's about time " right?

when do you know when to say "when"?

Mem
Yeah I did my best not to think about "them" last night me and sister in law (my brothers wife) went for our nightly walke and she has been a very good friend to talk to. I was also able to get into see my therapist yesterday and she wants me to start coming in on a weekly basis again to get me through the next couple of weeks.
And yeah I try not to read into his short but sweet email because before when he wanted to be nasty in an email he would without a problem so maybe that drive to NC gave him some serious time to think and now that he is living with OW each day he will start comparing and anaylizing what he is doing (probably not even realizing he is doing it) becuase he knew I took that step that he thought I wouldnt take and now that the 1 woman that was the stable one in his life is now an uncertainty there is no guarentee that I will be there to stand beside him now will give him lots to think about.
The guys here at work I told about his email response and said he is probably all happy now that the end of our M is in sight and they said hell no you just ruined his weekend. Im sure he brought the papers for OW to "look over" and they will discuss it and she will ask him about his feelings about it and blah blah and he will definitly be thinking alot in the next few days. And I said well hopefully thats the case and this is the reality of his decision kicking in. But he is there now for good and so I have to try and stop thinking about what they are doing and just go about my days.
LostInFl