Hi Pam, I've been following you and not had time to post, just want to let you know I'm here. Also, I think that it really is a great positive that your H called you 2X and is confiding in you RE the state of the A/R.
You asked how you should be when H comes home, and I think you have it down in your comments about calm, serene, and a combo of "all three" of the Pam's.
When I was nutsed out about H & OW going to a workshop in August, (I'm still not convinced they didnt, but oh well) I remember Ellie posting on my thread that what she wanted me to do was be cheerful, happy, and loving when he got home....that OW was probably being a demanding b---h ( I know now she sure was!) and that I would seem like a breath of fresh air to H after a day of her drama. So, I nutsed out while he was gone, repeated Ellies directions over and over to myself, put on fresh make up and a smile and MADE myself cheerful when he walked in the door. I believe it worked, and think Ellie gave some of the best advice I ever got.
I'd bet that OW in Brazil is really going off the deep end with pressure right now, and that's what happened in my case, although it seemed to take forever. OW's demands seem to have driven him straight home.
So, you go Pam! Be happy, calm serene cheerful confident and plant more seeds of how great what he's got is compared to what he thought he wanted.
PS...looking sexy wont hurt either, although you may want to not make too many advances at least for a while.
Just my .02!!!! you're in my thoughts and prayers! Deb
Hi Pam - I had to end my post yesterday quite quickly as NG was hovering nearby Deb has said much of it, but in addition, I think a little mystery may help. Have someone call you while he is home, or be dressed up ready to go out, if you are leaving Ss with him. In addition to being a breath of fresh air, he should also be thinking that I need to get my act together or Pam is likely to fly the coop.
I love throwing ideas out - gives you lots to mull over and pick/modify right? Lots of hugs, Slowly
I just returned from the library, I finally checked out Mars/Venus, I am probably the only person on the planet that hasn't read it.
I am hoping to get a few new ideas on ways to relate to H that are fresh/different.
I am already on to about the 5th chapter or so. I am just feeling the need to be H's calm port in the storm, but I also want to create a wee bit of mystery and maybe something that causes H to just go "Oh my God, what was I thinking, Pam was right, OW is not 1/2 the woman that she is."
I am ASSuming that since H doesn't return until Sunday, he wont have the boys until next weekend for overnight. But if he does what I predict then he will show up here on his way home from the airport just about the time we get back from church. Of course I will be looking very nice, high heels, makeup, new outfit, nice smile, warm greeting etc.
I am also planning on just being warm and kind, no demands, no pressure, no R talk.
Funny how the lingo just becomes 2nd nature, sometimes when I am talking to my offline friends I want to call the Brazilian w**** "OW." I don't even like calling her by her name, it just sticks in my throat.
I once saw someone here on the bb by that name and I couldn't even hardly stand to read her thread, just seeing the name in print made me want to vomit.
I am really praying that H continues to be miserable with OW. One of these days I know it will come to an end. It has to, I can just feel it.
Hi, Pamila. There sure are lots of us Pams on this BB, aren't there?
Hope you don't mind me butting in here, but I saw something that I wanted to respond to.
Quote: I am really praying that H continues to be miserable with OW. One of these days I know it will come to an end. It has to, I can just feel it.
I found myself in a much better place when I was able to sincerely hope for happiness for my H, no matter how that happiness was achieved. Maybe that sounds a little too farfetched for you, but at the very least, may I suggest that you pray for something positive, such as that you and your H can find happiness with eachother? Drop the rope on thoughts of her, and concentrate on you. It really does help!
I do appreciate your chiming in, and as I read back my own post I realize that it does sound a little "off."
My prayers for H to be miserable with OW are NOT the only thing that I pray for regarding H, but rather just one of many things that I pray.
When I first started seeing my C she and I together developed a list of specific things to pray for regarding this situation.
I also have a friend that I pray with every morning and many other friends from various places who are praying about this together with me.
One promise that I do have that is straight from the Bible is that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, which says to me that no matter what I pray it all gets translated correctly.
My worse nighmare happened and therefore my hopes and dreams died.
I see alot of positives in your situation. Your H has waivered back and forth alot and hopefully he will come out of his fog before something horrible happens.
I've been on this site for over two and half years and haven't a clue how to find all my old threads. Long story short...my X went to work in Rio for a large company. I was to join him soon after our daughter was married and we would return to the States after the project was finished. That would be about 3-4 years.
Six months into his stay there, he met the OW at a bar and kept making excuses for me to delay my trip. I was very naive and believed him and when I finally got tired of his excuses, he let the BOMB drop.
I was totally devestated because he was so far away, I could do nothing to save the marriage, he wanted her and that was it. He left and never looked back, we were married 32 years. They have been married over a year now.
He was told by the company before he went to be very leery of the women down there, as they are trained from the time they are born to get to the US. My X admitted to me that he was approached before he ever left the airport.
My divorce was not the only one that happened on this project, there were several more. Sad isn't it.
I'm not making excuses for them, but its such an exotic senual place; nothing like our culture. Anything goes. I really felt like my X, started going to the bars and one thing lead to another and that's how it began.
He is suppose to come back to the states toward the end of the year and eventually, he tells the kids, he will settle in Brazil.
Honey, just hang in there and do what you can to DB. I really didn't think I would survive, I'm 54 and my family and husband were my life; but, I'm going to be okay. Life will be different for sure, but will be okay.
The only other thing I would say is... if your situation comes to a D...look out for yoursef first. I was so worried about making him mad, that I didn't make some good decisions regarding the divorce settlement. I kept thinking he would come to his senses and come home.
I'm over in Surviving the Big D forum now. Don't post as much anymore, but keep up with some friends.
After your post to me yesterday I went back and did a "show all user's posts" and just kept going back back back, trying to get somewhere close to the beginning of your sitch so I could get the gist of your story.
I ended up going back as far as Sept of 2002, your H was due to come back on Sept 11th and I read that whole thread and the one after it. I am sorry to have to say that it did sound like your H really had his mind made up from the get go, and there was no turning him back although I am sure that you gave dbing a valiant effort.
My H also went there on business and had no warning as to how sensual and exotic the culture/women were going to be. He was actually fixed up with OW as a favor by another Brazilian man who was trying to earn H's business. After I found that out I wanted to find that other guy and tell him "thanks for the favor buddy, f*** off," but of course my H was a willing if naive participant. I think he met OW on his 2nd trip there.
I don't think OW is any prize, other than that she is young and prob beautiful, I've not laid eyes on her. Although I did travel to Brazil in Nov 2003. OW has 3 kids, is poor, uneducated, speaks only minimal English.
You are right, my H is still waffling big time, the passion that he feels from her is what keeps luring him back.
I have wondered myself how much of it is truly passion on OW's part and how much of it is about the $, the trips she takes with H, the house he rents her, about getting to the U.S.? I don't think I will ever learn the answer to that so I guess I won't worry about it.
I will say that when I read your thread and saw some e mail that your H had sent to you and the first word was "Oi" it made my heart sink. I thought this is a woman that knows my brand of Brazilian pain.
It is another busy Friday as the start of another busy weekend.
My SIL breezed into town yesterday from CA with her 18 month old son. She has some work to do on her rental house here in town. I had not seen my little nephew before so that was a treat. Funny how they are at that age and I have a feeling that this little guy doesn't get told "no" too often.
This SIL is the youngest child (can you say "baby") in H's family of seven. She and H have very similiar personalities, strong willed, independent, do it my way, he who dies with the most toys wins, etc. SIL had an A of her own that went on several years and was finally over about 2 years ago. Family rumor has it that this nephew of mine may not be his father's son, if you know what I mean. And yesterday SIL must have said 10 times in two hours "doesn't he look like his brother?"
I don't care who the father is, but that is another long story. It is weird to talk to SIL about her A, she is still angry, defensive, justifying, and her M isn't yet healed from what she tells me.
It was also my H that kept telling her to give up OM and now he is the one with an OW, I guess the seed doesn't fall too far from the tree.
H news...
I spoke to H on the phone for about two minutes yesterday when he called to talk to the boys. I cannot remember the convo verbatim but here is the highlight I wanted to mention.
H - So what are you up to?
Me- I am cleaning out my closet
H - What are you doing that for?
Me - (I don't remember what I said)
H- Are you cleaning out my side for when I move back in?
Me (in shock) "no say" the Portuguese expression that means I'm not telling
H- laughs
Here again I am not getting pumped but there are just small tidbits that are telling me that things are moving in a positive direction.
And I was of course cleaning his side for just that reason, but I really didn't want to put any pressure or make him think that I had him all figured out. Just wanted to leave the door open and the light on, so to speak.
He also said that he couldn't wait to get the h*** out of Brazil and come home on Saturday, I take that as another good sign that all is not well in his self made paradise.
I also had to tell H that one of S15's class mates committed suicide and had to be taken off life support yesterday. I noticed that when H talked to him their convo lasted a lot longer than usual. I hope that H is realizing that this ife we have here is a very short and precious time, not to be wasted with bimbos.
Will post more later, I've got to get ready for work. From this last conv, you certainly know the DB principals and are very good at them.
But as I said earlier, he is still coming back to you.
The OWife in my case, wasn't poor, she comes from a very affluent family there, which has its on trappings. With her being a lawyer, which was always my H's dream...she was just "better", I guess.
My kids say, she has a great deal of control over my H, those women are extrememly jealous over their men.
I too went there and thought it was very strange but beautiful, and looked forward to learning more about the place with my H.
Deb has said much of it, but in addition, I think a little mystery may help. Have someone call you while he is home, or be dressed up ready to go out, if you are leaving Ss with him. In addition to being a breath of fresh air, he should also be thinking that I need to get my act together or Pam is likely to fly the coop.
I noticed that when H talked to him their convo lasted a lot longer than usual. I hope that H is realizing that this ife we have here is a very short and precious time, not to be wasted with bimbos.