wait before I say what I logged on to say I feel compelled to say we shouldn't expect 2much...it is often our expectations that leave us dissapointed and not the actions of others that do.
having said that....
I've often made the same statement about my h "he never tells me anything"...
what I have realized is that h doesn't need to talk to me or tell me anything when I'm always doing the talking. If I sit back (and do so without being in an angry huff) he eventually starts chatting away.
Hey 2much, I found you I have just been a lurker lately, haven't posted at all, just checking in on everyone to see how their doing. I feel like we are in the same boat right now. I am very frightened with my own thoughts lately, I'm having the WAW feelings In your last post how you said your H tells other people things that he never tells you, I hear ya loud and clear girl, I'm going through that same thing. Except of course my dumb-butt is still listening to H and OW together on the radio, and it makes me so sad to hear the way he talks to her, and the way they communicate. Then when he comes home I get nothin. Just like you said, it's like one word answers. I'm lonely, and bored in my M lately, and it's a terrible feeling. I never nag him, or make him talk, he just doens't talk at all. I'm trying to stay stong, and I know I need to talk to him about this. I don't want to be the WAW.
I'm going to check your thread daily, to see how your doing, we'll be eachothers strength!
Hold your head up high, stay strong, and I will try to do the same!
Im sad, hurt, angry and a lot of other mixed emotions..I need to write a letter to my H to get out all of my feelings and thought I would just do it here...
H,
I am so sad right now. I dont think you even see it. You told me you would try to work on our marriage, but I really dont see any effor on your part. You just keep taking and taking while I give and give and you know what? I really dont have much more to give anymore. You always choose your friends over me, even after I have asked you first to do something. I just ask you to put yoursel in my shoes once and see how hurtful it is to always be chosen last. I hear you talk to other people on the phone in a nice and cheery voice and you laugh and then when you talk to me, there is nothing. NO feeling, NO laughter, NOTHING!!YOu dont share anything about you or your day or life with me anymore...then why am I here???
I wonder if you are just putting up with me until you decide to leave, because that it the feeling that I am getting. If that is it, please dont wait, just go...I want to hold on the the little bit of love I have left for you and if we keep going as we are...there will be nothing left.
Im tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of trying so hard to be the perfect wife, while I am treated so badly. I dont deserve that. I am a wonderful, loving, caring, beautiful person who deserves so much more than you have been giving me. I have worked so hard on myself the past few months and have felt so good about myself. But the way you are treating me, makes me feel worthless and I dont want to feel that way. I deserve to be appreciated and loved and cared for...so please, if you really want our marriage to work let talk about this so that I can better understand where you are at and what we should be doing differently.
Love, Angie
Well, I feel a little better even though I am crying so hard. I am so lost...I really dont know what to do anymore, but I dont want to be so sad and hurting all the time. I guess detatching might work, but is there a way to really detatch when you are trying to work on your marriage?? Please anyone...
Please don't give h that letter. I don't see how it will get you to where you want to be.
Instead why not start taking care of you. If you are tired of conversations with h always being one sided then stop talking...he'll either fill in the silence and surprise you or wont. If you're tired of hearing him chatting away with friends and not you..well then get on the phone and start chatting and laughing with some of your friends. If you're tired of him choosing his friends over you...stop making yourself so available and stop waiting for him to have time..instead make some plans of your own with your friends and let him wonder.
These actions may wake him up into realizing that you aren't always going to be sitting around waiting for him to make time for you and they may not...either way you will no longer be sitting around waiting for him to make you happy you will already be.
lostlove..you are so right...he seemed to be more interested im me when I was doing my own thing instead of waiting for him all the time.
So, here is my new plan...I am going to ask him to number in order his love languages and emotional needs and tell him I am going to work real hard to be the best wife ever. Then I am going to keep track each day of what I do to fulfill his needs, while aslo tracking what needs of mine he fills. I sometimes think he feeds my needs the way he wants his to be filled...anyways...then after about a month, I am going to ask him how I am doing and then tell him one of my needs that I would like him to feed. Then let it be, if he does it, great, if not, keep feeding his needs and try again in another month. I got this idea from the back of the 5 Love Languages book.
Another thing I am going to do is keep our convo light...Im not going to try to make conversation anymore. I will only ask questions to things I need to know, like did you feed the dogs. Questions that need no elaboration and just need a one word answer. That way I cant be disappointed. If I want to ask him other questions, I will just write them down in my journaling book and maybe some day downt the road, he will finally open up to me.
I guess I just need to have NO EXPECTATIONS, because then there is no way for me to get hurt. I have to get my own life and keep it...a friend and I discovered thru talking that he seems to miss me or talk to me more when I am gone more or showing him how independent I can be....Since he has said he wanted to work on us, I have not done much of that anymore...big mistake!!
So, I guess even though I have realy been thinking about just giving up, I can still just work on myself and see how things go????
could you experiment for a while withtout asking h to give you a list of his love languages or telling him that you'll be working at being "the best w ever"?
Sometimes things have more of an impact when they are not preceded by "I'm going to start doing this"...if you just start..it may peek his interest...saying you are going to start may peek his expectations.
More importantly...you've got it right! get back to you. it is more of what works!
But I have been already doing all this and Im just not sure I have been doing the right things...that is why I online a couple weeks ago, but it didnt work and he got frustrated, so i just said forget it.
I was also wondering if anyone could tell me if I should talk to him about how his actions lately have really been hurting me? Shouldnt he know that?? For six months now I have set no boundaries and I think he just takes advantage of that now. He just does whatever he wants, knowing full well I am here to stay?
Quote: But I have been already doing all this and Im just not sure I have been doing the right things...
which is why I suggested experimenting. If you try to figure out h's love languages on your own..listing (as you planned to anyway) what you've done and what reactions you've gotten then you can monitor and possibly discover his ll's on your own.
Quote: that is why I online a couple weeks ago, but it didnt work and he got frustrated, so i just said forget it.
I don't understand this statement? could you clarify?
Quote: I was also wondering if anyone could tell me if I should talk to him about how his actions lately have really been hurting me?
Sure, why not practice what you will say here firts though.
Quote: Shouldnt he know that??
maybe he should and maybe he shouldn't..all depends on communication...which of course is connected to your next statement...
Quote: For six months now I have set no boundaries and I think he just takes advantage of that now. He just does whatever he wants,
perhaps it's time to set some boundaries (as long as they are reasonable and valid). But you also must realize that you cannot fully blame another for crossing lines that you didn't establish in the first place.
Quote: knowing full well I am here to stay?
how can he know full well you are there to stay when you yourself don't know if you are there to stay?
Please don't think I'm beating you up now...I'm just trying to point out some things you may have over looked.
October 12, 2004 Swimming With The Current Surrendering To The Universe Life can often seem like a battle in which it is necessary to make headway by applying more force in actions and struggling for control. The course each life takes is like a river and many people choose to swim against the current without realizing that, for all their frustrated efforts, they are making no progress. Giving yourself over to the natural flow of events can seem difficult or humbling, but in letting go of the need to always be in control and accepting that the universe is both benevolent and supportive, you will become able to access a peaceful and intuitive part of yourself and will find freedom from anxiety.
Surrender can be many things. It may involve simply acknowledging that you possess true control only over your own reactions and that a change in attitude can have a profound effect on your relationship with the world. It can mean that you have given yourself over to a natural flow of actions and events, setting goals without attaching conditions, to walk in step with the universe. Letting go and trusting that the journey is as important as the outcome will make coping with challenges a less fearful experience, but doing so requires confidence in one's self and the ability to accept that there is no "what should be." When you understand that certain things are out of your control and that whatever path you tread will be the right one, you will have less cause to doubt your own abilities and infinite opportunities to be satisfied with the moment.
As the future unfolds itself around you, you will flow with the stream of changes, accepting new directions and detours as they present themselves rather than fighting against the current. With this transformation will come simplicity, peace, and freedom, as you begin to cast aside the unhappiness, frustration, and resentment of strife in favor of a beautiful surrendered existence.
Okay, here is the letter I have come up with..so let me know what you think...honestly, we do need to talk...i feel like we were about 10 months ago..not really talking about anything....even 3 months ago things between us were better..so...really I have nothing to lose...right?
H,
I know you said you were going to try to work on our marriage, but I feel like I am really the only one doing any trying. I feel hurt that you are not letting me into your life by sharing your days or things about your jobs or any decisions you are making, with me. Communication is a big part of making a relationship work. Remember how we got to where we are now? By not talking about how we were feeling or things that were bothering us or even simple things about our days. We need to talk about things even if we think they are going to hurt or make the other person angry. It is then that we can work on those things and put them behind us. I know I still need to work on not letting what you say affect the way I feel, but it has been a life long habit and I am really trying hard to work on it.
I am trying to do all the things that I think you need and want from me, but really, unless you tell me or give me your input, I have no idea if anything I am trying is even working or right. Just like I used to expect you to read my mind and know what I needed or wanted all the time, I now know that is not possible. It is ok to ask for what we want and need. Maybe we could set aside one hour each week to sit down and talk about the needs of ours that are either getting met or not getting met. I think this could really help us to start movind forward instead of staying stuck where we are right now. I am not saying we have to rush into anything, just that if we practice talking about certain things, eventually, it will come natural and we wont have to worry about setting aside a time to talk. I know that I am just as much at fault as you are about avoiding problems, hoping they will go away, but thats not how it works. I have always been afraid of making you upset, but I guess sometimes we have to take that chance that someone may get hurt or upset, but thats ok. We are both entitled to our own feelings and we are free to choose which things are really worth getting upset about and which things we should just let slide. Honestly, that is what I have been doing lately, because whether you realize it or not, some of your actions and words lately have been very hurtful. Instead of letting myself get hurt by them, I have decided to just let them go. H, I dont want to lose the love that I have left for you, which is why I have decided to bring all of this stuff to the surface. As hard as it is for me to talk about things, is what I need to do to keep our relationship heading in a positive direction and to get us both back to where we would like to be in this relationship.
In your last post how you said your H tells other people things that he never tells you, I hear ya loud and clear girl, I'm going through that same thing. Except of course my dumb-butt is still listening to H and OW together on the radio, and it makes me so sad to hear the way he talks to her, and the way they communicate. Then when he comes home I get nothin. Just like you said, it's like one word answers. I'm lonely, and bored in my M lately, and it's a terrible feeling. I never nag him, or make him talk, he just doens't talk at all. I'm trying to stay stong, and I know I need to talk to him about this. I don't want to be the WAW.
