MM, I want to add a word of warning in addition to what SM said. Beware of sexual burnout for yourself in your search for fulfillment.
I think that you want what the rest of us want, and that is to simply be wanted. I think that is what you need from your husband. His desire may never match yours, but if he can look at you and you see that he wants you, isn't that good enough? I know you aren't quite there yet, but when you do get there, it will kill a lot of worries about the future.
If it is just over the top mind blowing sex that you are interested in, I can tell you about my experience.
I look back at all the people I had 'just sex' with. In my mind, it is nothing more than a pile of a thousand limp naked bodies in a glass cube. I can find no definition for anything in it. It is as empty as a fart, the only briefly lingering substance of it being a regrettable stench.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Mojo, I know what you are feeling. A profound sense of being ripped off, among other things.
Just allow yourself to melt into this bitterness and see where it takes you. You may come out on the other side with a firm resolve to see this thing through and grateful to your husband for his honesty. You may not.
I would hope that he is willing to work on his other emotional issues, in light of the fact that his libido is what it is. You can't be expected to live your life with all of your major needs going unmet.
I also have a feeling that, soon, a sense of relief will wash over you as you realize what your husband is made of and what that means to you. I know that I was holding out a lot of hope that H would morph into a horny guy and I basically tortured myself with this notion. Having it thoroughly debunked was both a major bummer and a relief. It is also a large part of why I am still at it, years later. I suppose I am still coming to terms with this fact: Here you have a guy who, when he wants to, displays sexual aggression and horniness to rival the best of them. So it is a bit of a mind trip for me because I see that he has it in him, he just won't let that guy out of his cage very often. Or that guy doesn't want to come out very often, is more the case! At any rate, I am still on the road to acceptance and that is why I am still here.
I wish you well...I know this mind trip will occupy you for a while and then you will be back, General Style, with your plan of action.
I know you mean well NOPkins but your warning is not exactly appropriate. I have no intention of leaving my H in order to go on a sexual rampage. I am not looking for "mind blowing" sex. Okay, I wouldn't mind having some, but that's not really what I'm looking for. I want to be in a relationship in which I don't have to fight feelings of resentment because my sexual needs aren't being met. I'm afraid that I can't really be a good wife to my H because I will always be hoping that he will become something that he is not.
Quote: I look back at all the people I had 'just sex' with. In my mind, it is nothing more than a pile of a thousand limp naked bodies in a glass cube. I can find no definition for anything in it. It is as empty as a fart, the only briefly lingering substance of it being a regrettable stench.
I understand what you are saying but it doesn't reflect my own experience. I was single and sexually active (off and on) from the age of 15 to 23. I had 8 lovers before my H and I was genuinely fond of or thought I was in love with all but 2 of them. You've said that your W is the only woman with whom you've ever "made love". Unless that phrase means something completely different to you than it means to me, my H is not the only man with whom I've ever "made love". I've been with him for 16 years and he is the father of my children, so of course my attachment to him is much stronger than my attachment to previous lovers, but the difference is more a matter of magnitude of attachment not attachment vs. detachment. I know that I can enjoy sex without feelings of attachment because I did have 2 lovers to whom I wasn't attached, but like most people I much prefer emotional connection.
In a sense you are implying that if I choose to leave my H, I will never love or be loved by another man or perhaps you're implying that if I'm not strong enough or loving enough to commit to the difficulties of continuing in a relationship with a LDH, I won't be able to deal with difficulties in other relationships. Either you are a true romantic or extremely cynical or both. (Bear in mind, I like true romantics because I used to be one and I like cynics because you have to like cynics because very few people aren't cynical)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Be careful that you do not fail to see what you have because of the difficulty in fixing it.
In a nice way, because I care for you in my own simple anonymous way, I am trying to tell you not to actually become a hardass hard to please no frills woman because of your situation. There is a very real tenderness about you that I think, rightly or wrongly, is being threatened. I want to see it protected.
No offense intended, just an honest observation.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: It is as empty as a fart, the only briefly lingering substance of it being a regrettable stench
In spite of being a child of the 60's, I never had this kind of sex. I've been intimate with 12 men in my life. Only two of them were one-or-two-times-only, and both of those were long-time very good friends where the romance just didn't work out. All of the others were part of on-going relationships. As I've said before, the best, continuous, reliably good sex I ever had was with a man I was not in love with, but whom I loved. There was chemisty, we were perfectly in sync, our bodies knew what to do-- like being with the perfect dance partner. We discontinued the intimate part of our relationship because I DID want love-- the "in love" kind. (We stayed friends.) I found love with my husband, but I never found that kind of sex again and still haven't.
The kind of sex I had with his man was not "just sex." Unless what Nureyev and Fonteyn did was "just dance" or what the Guarneri String Quartet does is "just play music." It wasn't just mechanics and technique any more than John Williams just plucks nylon and steel stretched across an old wooden box.
Frankly, NOP, your statement is a gratuitous insult to your former lovers, even if all you had was "just sex." Yikes! Why would you say such a thing?
I have long maintained that sex in marriage is (or can be)a conundrum. Yes, the ideal is that the person with whom you share your life should be the most exciting and desirable person with whom you can share your body. But sex in marriage becomes about so many other things-- hurt feelings, family pressures, changing appearances, finances. So much "baggage" gets attached to it. If only these things could be left at the bedroom door.
Has anyone else read the memoir "Finding My Voice" by Diane Rehm, the NPR morning show host? It's a wonderful book. She had a harrowing childhood with a very cruel mother. She and her husband have had a very rocky marriage. In fact, they've written a book together about their marriage. But near the end of Finding My Voice, she makes the statement that in spite of everything "the physical passion that we felt for each other in the early days of our romance has remained" and seen them through the rough times. I found this very touching... their physical bond held them together when the other bonds were strained to breaking. It sounds like they did find a way to leave the baggage at the bedroom door.
Here's how I see it. You may deliver me the dunce cap once again, if you like.
My body type best utilizes and therefore craves protein. Although I enjoy salads and vegetables, too, I would gladly eat meat/chicken/fish every meal for 9 out of every 10 days. When I do eat salads for a main course, I get full, but not satisfied, unless I've been getting plenty of protein. Understand, I'm not talking about my personal preference. I'm talking about what my body craves.
My W, though, eats exotic salads at every opportunity. She will occasionally add a chicken breast to it, but it's the unusual greens and "extras" (walnuts, mandarin oranges, blue cheese, etc.) that she delights in. She would go months without a meat-as-a-main-course meal.
If the HD is the "meat-eater" and the LD is the "salad type", reality dictates an acceptance of the differences. I can make all the arguments for how much better a "high-protein" diet would be for my W. (She'd lose the weight she says she wants to lose. She'd be healthier and feel better. And we could stop arguing about where to eat.) I can easily imagine that she could develop a preference for meat, if she'd only give it a chance for a prolonged period. But the fact is, there's something about the way she's made that causes her to want salads, and she'll never want meat like I do (or more than salad).
I first saw this analogy reading one of Corri's posts. IMO, she "gets off" a lot more by discussing chaos theory with a stranger than having sex w/her H, though I can't see her admitting it. She can't/won't go for sex w/o her H saying he wants to be close to her. That says to me that she enjoys/craves intellectual and emotional stimulation more than sexual stimulation. Mr.Corri wants them to enjoy steak together, but she wants salad, and if it's a good enough salad, she'll put some steak on it, too.
Your H has confessed to being a "salad eater". He's had a lot of meat lately, at your insistance, and has enjoyed it. But along with enjoying the experience, he's become aware that you "eat meat" naturally while he has to work at it. He has been criticized in his past for being a salad type. He probably feels insecure because the conventional thinking is "Real men eat meat!" Obviously, he knows you want him to.
BTW, salad types don't think in terms of, "I'd like to have a steak, but she doesn't cook a good one." They think, "It's time to eat. Where can I get a good salad?" Meat eaters, OTOH, think, "A bad steak is most often better than a good salad."
I think you have to decide if you require a H that's a meat-eater or if you'll be OK with a salad type who's willing to have 3-4 "meat meals" per week. He's certainly shown a willingness to "eat meat" w/you of late, and he's told you that he'll never turn down a "blowfish" appetizer from you.
Lillie wrote:
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Frankly, NOP, your statement is a gratuitous insult to your former lovers, even if all you had was "just sex." Yikes! Why would you say such a thing?
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It isn't an insult. I say it because the sheer bulk of it (just sex) makes the statement true in my case. How do you otherwise define a gelatinous mess of never ending faceless parts? Twelve I might could remember. After the count gets into the hundreds, what's the point?
My questions are rhetorical, don't bother answering.
I am glad for you that you have 'made love' with more than one person. I am glad for me and my wife that regardless of my history, I remained something of an emotional virgin for my marriage.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hey Mo, I don't even know if I can find the few pacifiers I do own, lol. That's one of the pitfalls of being married to a person like me...things are organized in my own unique 'system'.
I think this might be one of those situations unique to the HD wives, in that the fellas automatically assume that their wives will stay somewhat LD and that any upward movement is done out of love. When they are proved wrong, they are too happy to care. We HDWs operate from the opposite side..we assume that our H's libidoes will return to 'normal' when the other issues are ironed out. When we are proved wrong, it is devastating in an "okay now I need to shift all my prior thinking" kind of way.
I know I may have sounded defeatist here a time or two when describing my H's libido but really I just caught on after a while that this is who he IS. Being that I love him and appreciate his efforts for me, I carry on in this relationship that is sometimes unsatisfying to me. Overall, though, I do see us having a long and happy life together--we will muddle through our differences.
Here is my challenge for you, J:
Your husband disclosed what was probably the hardest thing for him to own up to, ever, to you: that his libido is low and has been in other relationships. He sounds highly embarrassed by this and has abused the crap outta you in order to protect his fragile ego. I'm sure you are mad as hell about that, but I want to challenge you to take the high road. Otherwise I think you will scare him off of any future honesty in the R. Take the time while he is gone to wallow in your utter disappointment and give yourself plenty of time to adjust. Now is not the time for revenge. His vulnerability is very high right now and I'm sure he is kicking himself really hard for being so honest. I'm sure he wishes that he hadn't revealed that because now he will be extra worried that you will leave him. Have compassion on him, if you can. I know it is hard.
