Quote: Now, for me, having a high libido'd man means more than frequency..it means having a man who wants me and thinks about me and looks forward to our sex life. Simply being willing several times per week--and enjoying those times--does not make you HD. It does make you a lower drive person who is motivated to please your partner and has a lot of love for them.
change man to woman and I could have written this... my feelings exactly
Quote: 12) He feels like we do need to "separate" on some level because it will help him to lose his needy emotional dependence on me (differentiate).
I think there is danger here. Separation is not differentiation. Differentiation would be holding onto himself in your presence. Separation is just a different form of fusion from emotional entanglement. It is still a reaction to the stand that you have taken. He needs to strap on the Kevlar jock strap and take what you've got to dish out. That would be differentiation.
Quote: So, no more Mojo plans or theories are being generated. Maybe it's time to change my name to JustJenny.
Oh, no! Say it ain't so! You lost your MoJo .
Actually, JustJenny is quite nice. You think of yourself as vulnerable, but you've been putting up a pretty tough exterior lately. I have a feeling that JustJenny is more you than *Mojo.
Regards,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I do still believe he is rather LD. Clearly he is very invested in not seeing himself as LD. In fact, based on other things he said, I think it is possible that he might leave me so that he doesn't have to see himself as LD. There is absolutely nothing I can do about this.
He did give some evidence to support the fact that he's not as LD as I had come to believe. He clarified the "boobies" remark. He said he wasn't particularly interest in seeing her boobies, not boobies in general. He also indicated that his porn habit ate up a lot of his drive.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I like the JustJenny name. It's sort of saying: just love me for who I am... I don't need to do porn star antics or become a super general and direct this show. Also, I just always liked the name Jennifer.
Schnarch talks about healing the past in the presnet, and I think that is what's going on here. Interesting that he has always been the pursuee...afraid to make himself vulnerable by pursuing. Then you just happened to get pregnant, he happened to marry you...all the while, resenting himself for not taking more control of his life and taking it out on you.
I do believe he loves you ( remember that big declaration at your car) but he's feeling pressure and wants to get to that conclusion on his own.
Overall, he is becoming more vulnerable and self disclosing, but it's coming in waves rather than one big AHA experience that seems to happen in the books.
In time, I feel your marriage will get to a better place.
Hi there Jenny ( I like JustJenny…it is more you than GeneralMojo )
I agree with the others, there are a lot of red flags here. I think he is rankling against the label ‘LD’. This could be in part due to fears of inadequacy and not measuring up to ‘normal’.
He admitted to you some time ago that he was LD. He made some huge strides in admitting to you his jealousy and other reasons that exacerbated his LD nature. From his perspective, he did not get the requisite respect or acceptance from you for doing so. Is it possible that he is now waffling all over the place because, having told you the truth, and finding that you are not ready to hear it, he is afraid that he is going to lose you?
Granted this does not excuse his childish behavior or his emotional unavailability all these years. It also does not excuse his cruelty to you. But I do believe that he loves you.
He is talking about a separation. I think he is just really tired of being put through the wringer. Maybe you guys need to take a little break from all this relationship stuff. Even Schnarch says that you cannot spend your life in crucibles. Both of you have grown so much over these past few months. You need time to reach equilibrium and regroup.
I know its hard, but can you just give him some time and some space?
I feel like I've lived 16 years emotionally in the last 6 mos. OTOH my whole marriage up to that point now seems like one long nightmare (except for the parts that include the kids).
So after telling me he thought we ought to "separate" in some way so that he could become less emotionally dependent (fused) on me, my H called me this morning to share some more theories he's come up with about our relationship. The conversation was rather odd since I was making a pointed effort to not influence his thought/decision process. Trying not to respond in that way had the effect of emotionally dulling my reaction to the convo.
The overall feeling I got from him during this convo was that he was trying to talk himself into staying married to me. He said he thought that if he was able to become less emotionally dependent on me, he would like me better because he wouldn't be so overwhelmed by me. The general tone of the convo was actually pretty light.
HERE IS THE WEIRD PART
He called me back later and said "I was wondering what your position was on sex during this interim (while he's deciding if he wants to choose to stay with me).". I realized that I didn't want to have sex with him so I said "I don't think it would be a good idea.". He said "I realize the irony of my position, but I really didn't want to hear that. I was thinking of calling you for a "date" tonight when it suddenly dawned on me that it might not be appropriate under the circumstances.". I said my immediate reaction that it would not be a good idea had something to do with my feeling that he needed to court me. He said "I don't like that. That makes it seem like a reward and punishment situation.". I told him I would think about why I feel like I shouldn't have sex with him and get back to him about it.
So for the first time in our almost 17 year relationship, he wants to have sex with me more than I want to have sex with him.
Don't worry. I'm not becoming LD . I am still sexually attracted to my H and I'm actually pretty horny since it's been 3 days. I need advice because I don't know why I don't think it would be a good idea to have sex with my H while we're "separated". Would somebody please explain me to me and tell me whether I'm right or wrong to feel this way and why I might feel this way. Just to simplify matters, I will tell you that I'm not angry and I'm not doing some sort of revenge.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Sounds to me like you are pretty hurt about these revelations he has come up with. I know I am not very good at words or giving advice on here, but seems to me all this is good. Maybe hurts right now, but he seems to be showing his soul to you. Now the hard work comes in. Huh? Sux I know. Hang in there (((((((((hugs))))))))))
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. I am still sexually attracted to my H and I'm actually pretty horny since it's been 3 days. I need advice because I don't know why I don't think it would be a good idea to have sex with my H while we're "separated". Would somebody please explain me to me and tell me whether I'm right or wrong to feel this way and why I might feel this way. Just to simplify matters, I will tell you that I'm not angry and I'm not doing some sort of revenge.