I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I can't help but wonder if this is a crucible reaction from the Mrs. You're looking at this in the right way, IMO, but as the wise HP said, you have to speak clearly about your actions and intent.
Were I in your sitch, I would tell her that I didn't marry her with the idea that we WOULDN'T have sex, but just the opposite. I would clearly identify how she communicated that sex was important to her, too. I would tell her that I felt betrayed by her resistance to sex and by her most recent revelation.
BUT, I would then tell her that I accept her position as a boundary, however sadly, and would respect it. That would be the backdrop to say the Mojo/Corri quote.
I disagree with moving to the basement. Why should you have to leave your BR? She's the one with the open boundary now, not you. Let her go to the basement when she needs to get away. If you can't live in the same room w/her, you'll never keep your commitment to stick out the M.
Perhaps you should determine how long you can "hold out" under these circumstances and communicate it, also. This brought great clarity in my M! It also relieved a lot of pressure for me.
Good luck to you, buddy. I'll be praying for you to have the wisdom to do the right thing.
If you take the next 30 days and work to find out what is going on with your wife, no sex pressure, and set up a plan to fix it, what have you got to lose?
Even if it turns out that she is a "control freak" or some other variant of strange, at least you can find that out. All you lose is sex for 30 days.
I am NOT talking about an experiment. I am talking about totally changing your attitude toward your wife for the next month. I am NOT talking about doing more dishes or yard cleaning.
Let me tell you why I want you to consider this.
Your wife, in a number of statements you have conveyed to us, IS telling you what she needs from you. Mixed in all that is her pride and her idea of what 'feminism' is. Regardless, it seems to me that she is screaming HELP!
Look at things from her point of view.
a) She has moved across the country. b) Set up a new business. c) Adopted a baby. d) Taken on three additional kids from your previous marriage. e) Encountered endless intimations of how bad she is doing in her new role. (probably a good bit of that from your kids) f) Anted up and taken on your financial difficulties.
I have to tell you, she sounds like a hell of a good woman to me.
Right now, she is near panic and you want to add more to her load.
I am NOT telling you that you shouldn't want sex with her. You should, and you do, but you have to realize that she sees the boat sinking, and instead of bailing, you are asking for a quickie.
Step one. Remember who your wife is, and why you fell in love with her. Fix that image in your mind.
Step two. Approach your wife with the image from step one. Take her hand and tell her that you are sorry that you haven't been there for her. MEAN IT when you say it.
Step three. Ask her what the two of you can do to improve the family situation. Ask her what she perceives as problems and then work with her to address them. Instead of being adversarial, be the same friend to her that wanted to marry her in the first place.
Step four. DO NOT MENTION SEX.
If you are sincere in steps one through three, then her heart is likely to change toward you. If not, then continue to view and treat her the same way you did as when you were new lovers. Then revisit steps one through three until the problems with your finances, kids, household, ex-wife and relationship are being dealt with in a manner that BOTH OF YOU AGREE WITH.
Simply put, you have to be her partner again. Until both of you are working together in your relationship, your lives are going to continue to spiral out of control.
That's all I have for now.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You have indeed gotten a whole lot of advice today, so I won't give you any more. I have tried staying in the (family) bed where I don't want to be, and I have tried sleeping alone in sort of a protest, hoping my W would join me (she didn't). Both places cause their own kinds of stress.
I do agree with (I think it was NOP) that your W is a good, strong woman. She works hard doing what she thinks is right. (Oops, I was just about to give some advice.)
hd, When I read your post my first thought was "hd has finally had an instance of differentiation" such was it's gravity compared with your usual relatively light hearted posts. However I now think that you have just gone over a cusp. Most of us HDs are the same, feeling that we put huge amounts of thought, effort, attention and love into our marriages yet feel we get almost nothing in return. We are driven on by our optimism and the hope that everything will "get back to how it was" once x,y and z are in place. We are continually climbing a mountain but just sometimes we fall off the cliff the other side and drop into dispair with a bump. It's 3am so what am I doing on this board? Well I was feeling confident and great so made a bedtime suggestion to W but was brushed aside like a piece of dirt on her shoulder. I fell off that cliff big time and my thoughts went into reverse just like yours. For two long hours I lay in bed thrashing around. In my mind I gave up and thought about contacting OW again. Eventually I had to come down here to be with my cyber friends. I'm just about ready to go back to get some sleep now and resume that long hard climb in the morning. I know you hairdog. It won't be long before you are back in the thick of battle. SD
The feeling you felt, of acceptance for your wife's nature, was real. That peace was real. You probably got a similar feeling a while ago when (if) you were able to accept your own true nature as a sexual person. Your wife can't take that away, and you know it. That should give you some confidence and strength to do whatever it is you decide you should do.
Whatever your decision, speak to the best part of your wife. You know what it is and where to find it. Speak with compassion. And speak from the best part of yourself.
Good luck
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
The way the therapist said it on Monday was: "I want to have sex in my life and you're my first choice."
Also, the move to the basement would be a really big deal IMHO. When I was married the first time, I remember when I moved into the guest room. I think that was more traumatic than when I moved out of the house. It's a big step...
I'm sure there are a lot of good reasons to do it, but I have to wonder what is better for the kid to see, a divorced family where maybe the parents can find a new more functional relationship, or one where the parents are bunkered down in different sides of the house with surreal responses to real issues.
Don't apologize, SoCal. Believe me, I have debated the pros and cons of this in my "best interests of the children" argument in my head many times.
I really appreciate Nopkins' advice. What is 30 more days of this going to matter? I tend to be a procrastinaor anyway, and it has worked for me pretty well over the years. It's when I rush into things that problems tend to arise...like marriage.
I'm calmer today. W was pretty preoccupied with a trial she is having today, so not much focus on the R, which is fine.
I told her I appreciated her making all the arrangements for our weekend trip to St. Louis. She said, "you're just saying that because I told you I wanted to be appreciated." Sigh, can't win for losing. I told her that, while her talk with me may have made me voice my appreciation, I felt that appreciation nevertheless, as I always do for the things like this. W: It's like me saying, "say you're sorry" and you say "sorry." H: No, it would only be like that if you had said, "I did all the planning for St. Louis and wish your would thank me," after which I said, "thank you." I'm truly appreciative that you undertook the planning of the trip. Why can't you just accept my thanks easily? W: Well, thanks for pointing out my shortcomings.
Do you sense a pattern here? Still, I held onto myself and didn't point out to her that, indeed, she does not accept my thanks, or my compliments, very well at all. But I knew I could biitch about that to you folks this morning instead, and it would get a better result than biitching about it to her.
Thanks again for all the wonderful, if contradictory and confusing advice!
Hey luvy, hope your head isn't spinning quite so viciously today. Dang, man, I don't think I ever saw so many people show up so quickly with so much advice on a thread in my life ever. I think you set a new record.
Convo with the wife on the St. Louis trip... LOL! Stay out of her sandbox, HD. When she said, 'you're just saying that...' let it drop!! Don't engage. You can't win anway, so save yourself some sanity and stay out of her madness. There is no need for argument over who doesn't appreciate whom and who doesn't say thank you or compliment genuinely enough.
"I have no doubt that is the way you see it..." and move on. She can't control you unless you engage.
She can't control you unless you engage.