Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Hairdog's 180?

Ok, so if you haven't done anything to cause this level of distrust in her, then where is she perceiving it?

Work with me on this. Something (and I doubt it is financial) has her spooked. What do you think it is?

Has she listened to other voicemail that your ex has left regarding her willingness to take you back?

There is something substantial to her insecurity, real or perceived. Your wife is in claws-bared protection mode. do you know why?

-NOPkins-

I'm trying to work with you on this, Nop. I don't think she's aware of the ex's recent email in which she said she'd take me back. I actually don't think she'd feel that threatened about it. Yesterday's jealousy of my lunch with J was confronted, and she said she was just kidding. I tend to think that she is fearful of me leaving her, and fearful of failing as a wife, and fearful of appearing incompetent at something, namely, love. I also think that she does not want to let me close to her, emotionally-speaking, because of something in her past, probably due to her father's quasi-emotionally-abusive treatment of her as a child, her mother's failure to stand up for herself, and who knows what else. I know that I can't work these things out for her, that she'll have to do this hard work, and, except for providing her with the numbers of my EAP plan and a recommendation on a therapist (about which she hasn't spoken), there is little else I can do.

I wish I understood her. I think she needs to be held close, but she won't let me close enough to do this. Hugs and kisses, when given, are quick and peremptory.

Hairdog

I agree that she does need to be held close, whether she says she wants it or not. I think that the worst thing you can do right now is push her away.

There is some reason for her insecurity. The telling you that you need to love her regardless of the sex is in a way, a cry for help. She doesn't want you to love her conditionally. She doesn't want to say, "love me and I will give you sex".

Her telling you that she really wasn't jealous is just face saving. She was indeed jealous of J.

A woman that just wants to control you does not move across the country, dumping her old job and identity just to take on a man and his two kids and a new job. If she did, then A&E wants to buy your story.

Is there something that you promised her before you were married that you have failed to deliver?

-NOPkins-

HD,

I agree completely with NOPkins - your wife is obviously freaked out. This is what I was trying to tell you earlier.

I think your wife wants you to take care of her, but is not able to bring herself to trust you to do so. What will it take for her to respect and trust you? I have no idea. I agree with you that she is going to have to deal with her own demons. Maybe you can ask yourself what you can do to drive her to her crucible? But then again - you have said that you are not ready to do this yet. There is a very real possibility that she is not up to it, and may bolt. I really, truly don't see any other choices at this point.

J

I'm going to play devil's advocate and suggest another scenario that I've considered in the past regarding HD's situation. When I was at one of my low points in this process, I actually started checking out some internet personals in my area. I just browsed out of curiousity. I also checked out the ads placed by women around my age in a pathetic attempt to see how attractive I was compared to the average relationship seeker. One thing I immediately noticed was that a lot of the women in their late 30s IMO weren't really looking for a husband, lover or boyfriend. They were looking for someone to father a child for them.

I guess I thought about this in regards to HD's sich because he met his W through a personal ad. Also, she was older, childless and never married.

It seems like whenever HD and Mrs. HD have a fight, she mentions the children or family as her reason for appreciating the relationship or wanting to preserve it. I think she might want a home in the country because she is in "nesting" mode, not because she is desperate to get away from the ex.

You guys keep mentioning that Mrs. HD wouldn't have made all these sacrifices if she wasn't really invested in her relationship with HD. I think it is possible that motherhood is what she was seeking in the relationship and what she is hoping to preserve in a pristine form by preserving it.

I hope I am wrong. It's quite possible that I am irrationally cynical.

All:

Well, I may as well dive back into the mix. Hairdog, I think NOP is on to something here, but I also think there is no reason whatsoever to go into panic mode.

I think one of the things you have done very well is to not 'engage' in the shiit with your wife so much, and your changing modus operendi has her ears up. She's noticing. She's also becoming stronger in her typical defense mechanisms to bring you back to predictable behavior. At least, IMHO.

I want you to understand that moving to the basement is your choice, obviously, but I also want you to understand how doing it now as opposed to a few weeks ago when she was calling 911 on you is completely different in these two cases. Do you understand the difference?

One of the things that is associated with drawing boundaries is that things often get worse before they get better. Until these lines are clear, you cannot respsect anyone for anything because everything is blurred. You can draw a boundary with her and still stay in the bedroom if that is what you wish. But thinking through this with a clear head is what is needed first.

My recommendation for you here, again, is to buy the Boundaries book, read it through, talk with your shrink, apprise him/her of the situation, and proceed from there. You don't have to be mad or pissy or anything but cordial with your wife until you understand what your plan of action is going to be. But I am willing to bet that your shrink will be able to explain to you how boundaries, respect, trust and communication are ALL interlinked, and how you can proceed through these things, with or without your wife's help.

Don't panic, HD. You can keep the status quo going... you've been doing it for years. Fly low and stay beneath the radar until you have a firmer grasp on boundaries, and some good, honest professional advice from your shrink.

Corri

Hd ,

I am sad to hear about all this but I have to say that if my H had said those exact words to me.... It would be a deal breaker.

Maybe I am just past the point of trying to see his side of everything. And changing who I am to fit!!


IMHO... we get married to share, comfort, commisserate, nurse , play , any old adjective will do. We choose the person because we love them and we have a bond with them , that we never have had before with anyone. Part of that bond and those marraige vows is that you become one. Not to the point of losing yourself though.

What I am doing a poor job of trying to say is Why should the HD spouse always be the one that has to make the changes and learn to "accept" the bait and switch person the LD spouse has become.

I think you should set down your own boundaries, move to the basement and tell your wife that although she is entitled to her "boundaries ", you have them too! And one of them is to not SETTLE for a marriage where no sex is one of your two choices.

Sorry I hope that made sense I am in a minor funk today myself I am really tired of my LDH playing like he is not the sharpest tack in the box!

Wow, I go away to get my brakes fixed, and come back to perhaps some of the most divisive advice I've ever seen on this board. While y'all have given me a lot to think about, I feel more confused than I did when I started out.

I don't want to move to the basement right now. Before, it was an "I can't be close to you without hurting myself" feeling that made me want to move there. Now, I'm doing better with that, although sometimes, like last night, I feel like moving down there. This morning, Hairdog the stoic was fine with staying in the bedroom. But I can handle, for the moment, staying in the bedroom. The basement is always an option.

I feel like telling her what I went through in the first message. That I went from mad, to sad, to mad, to choosing the path of least pain and telling her that I respect her for her boundary-setting.

But then, Corri's message, that W is not setting a boundary, but is, instead merely blaming me for the situation and pulling a power play, showed up and once again, altered my view of all of this.

Then Honeypot suggested I tell her, basically, that, although I respect her for telling me that she may or may not ever have sex with me again sucks, and that I have no intention of living the rest of my life celibate, and will likely take action on that intention. She also said that W deserves to know what is going on in my head, which is why I think I should tell her how my thinking has progressed as a result of her statement.

Then came Nopkins' messages, which totally confuse me...yes, she's freaking out for some reason, yes, I should try my best not to push her away/should try to hold her close. And the questions about forgotten promises. The only promise I made to her as a condition of the move was to seriously consider moving to someplace she wanted to go, 10 years after this move...in other words, in 2013. She also originally wanted me to consider adopting a 2nd child, but she has told me that she doesn't want to do that anymore, and has not brought that one up in months.

I'll figure it out, I guess. I just can't figure out why this all has to be so frigging difficult. I thought I paid my "difficult marriage" dues with ex-W.

Hairdog, whose head is spinning.