That is one thing that I can be sure of there is no fear of pregnancy, whe she gave birth to the boys she had her tubes tied. That is about all I can be sure of...
CelibateDad, Good to hear from you again! It's been a while - shame your still celibate though.
DBR, Your story is near identical to most of us HD (High Desire) husbands with LD (Low Desire) or ND (No Desire) wives. Just like all of us, you are facing a long journey where it is you that must change your ways (even though you think you are perfect) before she will follow you and then there is no guarantee she will ever meet your needs and expectations. Your best start is to read as many of the threads as you can on this board and read Michele's book "The Sex Starved Marriage" and after that read "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. This will give you some tools to work with. Good Luck and welcome. SD
LD= Low Desire. There is a thread on the main index page about abbrev. that you might want to check out, we use a lot of them here!!
Twins are a lot of work. Carrying them is a lot of work. Mine were my 3rd pg., and the first time I really felt pg. Suddenly I understood what all the complaining was about! (sorry HP, hope your's is ending as I write!!) I think I was just getting back to 'normal' at around 15 mos. 'Course I really didn't pay attention as to how it affected my drive, I had sort of given up on trying to get sex before then...
I am here to tell you twins ( I have 2 sets, 18 months apart) are a JOB!!! I don't remember whether it truly affected my sexual feelings....but I do know for a fact that I was EXHAUSTED!!!
My suggestion would be to help her out as much as feasibly possible...and remember that sometimes new moms really get into the MOM role and forget that there is a sexual side to them. When you have your children wanting and needing things from you on all levels, and then your H wants you to it can be overwhelming.
Have you taken her away for a weekend of rest and relaxation? Maybe a nice massage... some massuese's come to your house...you could put the children in bed for the evening, light some candles and soft music , let her get a massage ... don't get your heart set on this meaning she will be wanting to jump in bed .... but you never know.
Just a thought, twins are a blast when they are little in and even more fun when they are grown. Mine are 22(daughters/identical) and 20 (son/daughter). I had both sets before I turned 20 and I remember how exhausted I was. I was taking care of the children during the day until my X got home and then I would run out the door to college(full time) and then work until 3-4 in the morning. Hang in there with this...... different schedules is hard to do too.
I agree with Heapmom...we're going to need a bit more of the history of you two before we can really help.
One thing I do want to ask is this...how much time does she make for you? Is she always busy with kids, work, house chores, errands etc? If so, it's always possible that her mind is always occupied with the things she feels she HAS to do, so there's something constantly on her mind (like her list of things to do.)
Just curious here...do you help out much with the house/kids/chores etc.? Don't get me wrong here...I'm not jumping to the conclusion that you're a deadbeat or anything like that I've seen it happen with my own eyes (and been guilty of this myself) where women sometimes take on the role of "Super Woman" by unwittingly/unknowingly pushing their spouse away by constantly occupying themselves with household/family chores. Sometimes when they do this they don't even realize their husband is very willing to help out...but for some reason they don't let them. Does that make any sense to you?
Just some food for thought :-)
GEL
Yeah sounds like a bunch of years in my married life.
Quote: Just curious here...do you help out much with the house/kids/chores etc.? Don't get me wrong here...I'm not jumping to the conclusion that you're a deadbeat or anything like that I've seen it happen with my own eyes (and been guilty of this myself) where women sometimes take on the role of "Super Woman" by unwittingly/unknowingly pushing their spouse away by constantly occupying themselves with household/family chores. Sometimes when they do this they don't even realize their husband is very willing to help out...but for some reason they don't let them. Does that make any sense to you?
Just some food for thought :-)
GEL
Quote: Yeah sounds like a bunch of years in my married life.
Can I give you guys some advice? From a former, very unwilling 'martyr'?? Martyrdom started way back with D8, got worse as D6 came along...I gave up even asking for help when S4a+b arrived. But, I was overwhelmed with 4 under 5.
I got to the point that in order to get through the day with some semblance of sanity, I did things almost robotically. At that point it was the system that kept me going. To an outsider, it probably seemed insane, and I probably wouldn't have responded to offers of help from the outside.
But, I can tell you, I desperately wanted someone to help. If someone came to ask, in all honesty, it often felt like I had to do them a favor to accomodate them. Explaining what needed to be done, and then making sure it got done would have taken more energy than I had.
If, on the other hand, someone (especially H) had just started doing something, or taken me by the shoulders and said 'Go lie down for a while'...I would have been in heaven. I needed someone to show strength. I really think that when a women gets into that 'mode' it's like a depression - she can't see her way out. The way to help, imho, is to take charge, lovingly. If she complains, give her a kiss, tell her she looks beautiful when she's frazzled. That would certainly do it for me!
FF; I understand what your saying but you are expecting what us to have ESP and deciepher that no means yes and our MC has said ( a woman BTW) that this is unrelistic and unfair to expect help when you tell us that you don't need it. I after several frustrating years have just started doing or ignoring the "I'll do it" stuff. This how ever is BS and a failure to understand many of us guys are willing to pitch in with simple request. Most of us are pretty poor mind readers also it shows you think highly of us if you ask us for help.
I'll agree that at least some of us women do expect you guys to be mind readers too much of the time . Maybe it's the whole 'prince on a white horse riding in to save the day' thing we're fed, who knows.
I know there were a couple of times when H did ask me to tell him what to do, and when I did, he would say he was too busy, or find another reason why he couldn't.
Then there was the whole, 'I messed this up, so I can't do it again', 'Every time I do this it just gets messed up again' or in our case 'I don't agree with the way you do it, and it will take me too much time to arrange things the way I like it so that I can do it'...it just got easier for me to just do everything.
Just Do It. Say to your W, "I want to have sex with you tonight!" Tell her you'll be expecting to make time for it. When she says, "uhh, no, not tonight" reply with, "ok let's set a date for it. Tomorrow night would be a great way to start the weekend! If not tomorrow, then I'm definitely attacking you on Saturday." Do NOT ask her for it.
Also, I'm not saying that technique is an issue... but I think you should try something new. I do a "kiss all over" sometimes, where I just kiss my W slowly, all over her body, starting at the neck, working my way down & up each arm & then down her body to her toes on each foot. This takes a good 30 minutes and gets my W "into the mood" for more. Just an example from my world.
I've seen it happen with my own eyes (and been guilty of this myself) where women sometimes take on the role of "Super Woman" by unwittingly/unknowingly pushing their spouse away by constantly occupying themselves with household/family chores. Sometimes when they do this they don't even realize their husband is very willing to help out...but for some reason they don't let them. Does that make any sense to you?
