Whoa, girl! Going to ask a question for clarification because I'm not sure I'm reading this the way you intended?
Are you saying that by speaking his LL, you were expecting him to reciprocate? And when he didn't speak yours, it made you feel resentful? What prevents you from giving him gifts?
I don't want to make any assumptions here. But if that is the case, I think it's time to back up a bit.
I think the point of speaking in their LL (depositing into their love bank) is still worthwhile. One day you will see the fruits of your labor if all things are equal. Now, if he chooses not to speak in your language because he's still mired in resentment, I think that bears some discussion.
But where does Chapman say you should not continue to do things for him because they make you happy, even though that is not their primary language?
Over time, I've come to realize that although Mr. Wonderful and I both receive in one language, we both give in Acts of Service. We do things for others because it makes us happy. Translating to you, you give gifts because you are thoughtful and show others by giving them something tangible.
If he has told you that the gift giving bothers him, I would rather advocate finding out the why behind it? Try and find the feelings associated with the statement? (Could it be he thinks you expect something in return? )
Then find a way to let him know that you plan on giving him what he needs to show him you love him, but that giving gifts makes you happy and is not meant to make him uncomfortable.
I see a real opportunity for some good communication here. Keep going...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think Betsey already covered this but let me try...
Quote: but to highlight that it's hard to do a LL that is your own, when it isn't AT ALL your partner's... so what do you do, squelch your desire to give gifts? I found myself very resentful about this - it made me angry that I felt S. was "preventing" me from doing what is a big LL for me.
If h is unresponsive about getting gifts or non-reciprocal...it's really up to YOU how you choose to respond to that...getting resentful or angry doesn't help anything...and sort of implies to me that your giving of the gifts was laden with EXPECTATION...don't know about your h but mine (rightfully) recoils from anything that appears like a "gift" but has "expectation" written all over it.
If you can give gifts w/o expectation or resentment or anger...go for it...if you can't, I suggest figuring out why not?
And...I suspect that h would be more open to receiving them (and less questioning of them) the better you are at giving them with no strings attached.
It's HARD, isn't it???
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Oh, dear, let me clarify, and from here on I'll take this over to my thread as it pertains to the other stuff I posted (thanks for your visit, Betsey, and it's so good to see you back on the BB!) to avoid the prolonged hijack. Thank you, Sage, for the momentary air space.
I didn't mean that I NOW expect something in return. I meant that before, in the old R, I got angry and resentful and stopped the gifts (not having made it here yet ). I never started back, because I got into the habit of squelching. Back in the old R, S. viewed anything from me as suspect because he was holding me at arm's length and any leeway he gave me I took and ran with. Hence the suspicion at gifts, which in turn led to my resentment. Yes, there was all kinds of expectation wrapped up in my gifts back then.
Anyway, some of the above I was definitely carrying over from the old R, and I appreciate the demi-whacks. I agree wholeheartedly with both of you, I was just attempting to make another point and got sidetracked and I think my head came off somewhere in there. I was really just trying to respond to
Quote: (well, I haven't been focused on GIFTS so I hope THAT doesn't turn out to be a biggie!) is less about trying to meet them every day and more about recognizing that focusing just on 1 or 2 doesn't necessarily work in the LONGER term for us.
and got twisted up there.
Anyway, thanks again for the patience during this hijack ... now back to our regularly scheduled program...
And here we were thinking you were storming around in anger and resentment!!!
************** Had a very good night last night...met up with h for drinks. He had already had a bit of a martini when I met up with him and was SO pumped up from a presentation he had gone to at school. It was really the first time this semester (since he got on law review)that he seemed really, really psyched about school...it isn't that he's been UNpsyched lately but more that he hasn't been as fired up...anyway, he was telling me about the presentation and it seems like he's really energized.
He made a toast to me that was very sweet and full of praise
Headed home...watched some stuff on TV then went to bed.
I have to admit that I felt a little overwhelmed with how loving he was being...I'm sure that sounds absurd but I swear there are times when I can feel myself WATCHING us (like an interested third party) -- very dispassionate and removed -- thinking stuff like "OK, so now what is going on here?" Not in a bad or negative way but more like an observer...I think it has to do with (NOT) staying present...
On the way home we talked a little bit about our potential move (we had been discussing selling the house and moving to a condo in town). I was surprised and pleased to hear that h was thinking we could expand our area of search and also consider renting for a year in lieu of jumping into buying. I like both of those ideas and am glad that he brought them up. Felt like a very positive exchange.
QT: definitely. we went to his favorite place (and mine!)
AOS: hmmm...? did some stuff around the house yesterday AM but that's about it
WOA: more him -> me than the other way around
PT: Hanging out on the couch
Got a busy weekend planned...LOTS of homework!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Don't underestimate your own intelligence. It's easy to look back and say, 'Why did I do this?' Or, 'Why did I jump to that conclusion?' You were acting on all the information you had at the time. And you made the best possible decision that you could have done under the circumstances. The fact that you now know a little more, merely gives you the perspicacity that only hindsight can ever supply. Don't look back in doubt, this weekend, look forward in hope. Use your imagination and summon your faith. It won't be misplaced.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Hi Sage- You have the best posts! What exactly is a cainercast? Like a horoscope?
Yes...it IS a horoscope (by Cainer)...I call them cainercast for two reasons...I think some people look at astrology as complete crap and maybe it is! but I think that his words are universally applicable! AND I can never remember how to spell horoscope (1 R? 2?)
I'm not exactly a Sox fan but I don't think anybody remembers my team...(the Brewers) Anyway, couple of reasons I'm pulling for the Sox, my friends BIL plays for them (Mark Bellhorn) and my other friend is from Boston and her BIL is a sportscaster up ther (Dan Roche) so it's fun to kind of know people.
Anyway, always love reading your thread, you have such a positive outlook. I am going to the mall today so I'm am going to see if I can find 5LL for some reading.
)
Betsey 
). I never started back, because I got into the habit of squelching. Back in the old R, S. viewed anything from me as suspect because he was holding me at arm's length and any leeway he gave me I took and ran with. Hence the suspicion at gifts, which in turn led to my resentment. Yes, there was all kinds of expectation wrapped up in my gifts back then.
... now back to our regularly scheduled program... 
And here we were thinking you were storming around in anger 
and resentment!!! 
and was SO pumped up from a presentation he had gone to at school. It was really the first time this semester (since he got on law review)that he seemed really, really psyched about school...it isn't that he's been UNpsyched lately but more that he hasn't been as fired up...anyway, he was telling me about the presentation and it seems like he's really energized.
