Well, we got the new puppy and what a sweet addtion she is to the family. H and the kids are all involved and it's adding to that closeness feeling.
( Cant wait for Honey to have that baby...)
H and I are starting from scratch ( sexually)in our marriage. It is so weird and I am not sure what is going on ( any input appreciated).
We tried kissing with the two of us being very aware of each other...it was pleasant but not passionate. We did some gentle caresses which was nice but also low down in the hot scale. He wanted to jump to ML --- I should have insisted on more foreplay/ exploring since the idea is to connect. We both weren't that aroused but it seemed impt for him to have IC. I told him it wasn't impt to me, but once again I deferred to him. So we are ML and it's in a position that really does nothing for me, so I speak up and say I'd like to change it, and he says back that he needs to get going this way. At this point I am thinking we are truly sexually incompatible. But then, after he does get started and all, he does switch to what I had suggested, and it was nice but again, not great. I didn't push to O and either did he...he asked me if I am feeling okay and good( I said yes) and he commented that he was too. There was a lot of cuddle time after.
So no hot sex for Journey. It's like we have to go back to when the damage was done, many yrs ago, when I wasn't feeling thrilled with what he was doing, expected him to know how to please me, with him being stubborn/defensive when I tried to talk about it.
We are being civil and kind to each other, which I guess was what was missing in my recent quest to have a decent sex life. I know I need to speak up more( and in a way that he can hear) and he needs to be more considerate of my feelings without getting defensive.
Hiya J, Did you start out with a high EC but not a lot of horniness going on for either of you? Or was one of you horny and it just deteriorated from there?
I would say that if the both of you were starting cold...and it just couldn't get to the hot stage...to not worry about it too much. I mean, that happens you know? Probably all it would have taken was for one of you to suddenly become all hot and bothered and the whole thing would have taken off, but sometimes that is just hard to drum up, kwim?
That happens with me a lot; although I am the HD partner I am not always instantly aroused and ready to go. I find myself having a hard time reacting to H and getting in the moment...he picks up on this vibe and backs off even more instead of ramping up his efforts to get me there. At that point, I have two choices: I can call the whole thing off, or I can get my verbal mojo going and see what transpires from that. So I will ask him questions or tell him about a fantasy I was having the other day and try to get either him or myself aroused from that. It usually works. I say it in a spirit of "Let's start talking about sex and I'll betcha we both are horny in a few minutes" as opposed to "This aint workin for either of us, so I am taking drastic measures here.."
Do you think something like that would work? It is keeping the EC alive, in that you are talking with each other instead of retreating into your own worlds and trying to get aroused from your own arsenal of fantasies, never-fail positions, etc.
Just a suggestion and don't let one awkward night get you too down. You two are really making some wonderful progress and are NOT incompatible.
I agree with Honey, you are making great progress!
Instead of focusing on each act, try to take a big picture approach. You are still at practice. Practice is where you learn from your mistakes. Practice is where it is okay to explore your strengths and weaknesses. Maybe both of you could simply relax a bit and look at your lovemaking sessions as practice or just a fun event. If both of you can relax, then you can laugh at your trips and false starts. It will also make it a lot easier to get and maintain an emotional connection while you are playing.
You are at the toddler stage. Don't expect to be able to run the marathon. Learn to laugh at the boo-boos when they happen. There is much fun to be had in the journey!
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HP, I think what's happeneing is that I keep myself at a certain level of arousal during the day because, quite simply, it feels good! And then, I'd like to ML to my H because, quite simply, it feels good! And because of the ML I end up feeling good about him and am a happy camper.
But he works differently. He is not keeping himself in a state of horniness He shies away from sexual innuendos, not just pertaining to me, but just in life in general. Sex just isn't a priority for him now. He's dealing with it because I am making an issue over it.
Anyway, I am trying to be more sensitive to his POV. And one of the things he told me was that he felt my sexuality didn't have much to do with him. He seems to want to focus less on sex and more on other ways for us to connect.
So, I am trying to tone down my need for sex as a way to just feel good in general, work on finding fun things for us to do as a couple that's nonsexual, and trying to make the sex feel more about him.
So I went to bed last nite just sort of being sexually neutral and just bonding with him in a nice way...and lo and behold, he wants sex! But to make it more fun and exciting , he needs my energy and I just wasn't in that frame of mind. I have noticed this before...when he feels I am not into it, then he gets in the mood to ML. I just couldn't turn the switch on last nite after working hard to shut it off ( well I won't say shut it off because I know that will only get me depressed, just kind of put the dimmer switch on).
Thanks for the suggestions on how to get into gear when we have nites like this...I still need to work on my verbal stuff and suggestiveness...that's really an area of weakness for me.
NOP: Thanks for the encouragement. I guess I still have that script in my head that I want to follow because it will lead to fireworks for me. I am now factoring H in the equation more, so I guess we are now working on the script together. I have to think of this as Chapter 1, and that is's not all work...it's play too. And perhaps I need to think that the end of the story may not be spectacular, but satisfying in a deeper way that is enriching.
Journey, Your situation as an HDW is unique in that you used to be an LDW, so your husband is sorta right in his feeling that it isn't entirely about him. Now, we all would like to think that if our spouse just woke up one day and magically loved sex with us, we'd be over the moon but he is proof positive that it is more complicated than that.
I think that my H struggles a bit with my libido being about him. He knows that I love his body and get turned on just by looking at it/him, but he also thinks that a large part of it is just MY body wanting or needing something from his.
You know why I think he feels this way? Cause this is how HIS sexual drive works!
For me, when I feel close to him, I want to ML. When I don't feel close to him and want to feel closer, I want to ML. When the weather is beautiful outside, I want to ML. When I see his naked body, I want to ML. ETC!!
I don't know what I can do to assure him that it is about him. That he is not always the source of my horniness but quite often he is. And even when he's not the source of it, he is still the one that I want to share this part of myself with.
I think just time and patience with your H is the best course. He will get it, and get you, in due time. Right now, he is probably still sifting through his thoughts and emotions and resentment. But the fact that you can have a 'weird' and off night and rebound from it is SO cool. I know at one time that would have really set us back for a long time.
One more question: Would using humor at this moment be an effective way to deal with it?
Thanks again HP...what am I going to do when you're busy with baby#3?
Maybe you'll do what I am doing right now...puppy on my lap.
Humor is a great thing, but we aren't at that stage right now...too many sensitive feelings floating around.
In my identity now as a HDW, I have forgotton my LD past and how it affected the marriage. But I do think that H contributed to my lower drive by not being open and flexible in his sexuality, and I wasn't comfortable enough to express my needs.
I guess I did bypass him in my quest to become sensual again.
So now we are back at square one...the mission is to keep connected to him while I express what turns me on and hope that he is able to meet me in a caring and less defesnive way. I also have to be more enthusiastic about his way of ML and enjoy the connection rather than retreating into fantasy.
One problematic area is that he says I don't say what I would like; I feel I can say what I like but he is locked into his way.
Anyway I better go spruce myself up...I have dog hair on me and smell like dog. No offense HD.
One thing I did/do with my H is to ask a lot of questions in order to get him going, as well as to learn more about his sexuality. You know, for someone who professed to just want a better sex life, I was REALLY unaware of what he liked and preferred. I think I can be a bad listener sometimes, and the fact that his style doesn't do much for me doesn't help! His style still doesn't appeal to me but what I do is this: I will say "Would you rather see me naked or in a sexy nightie?" Now I know the answer but I like hearing his words. Then when he says, Naked, I will say "tell me what you like about it" Open ended things like that, that encourage him to talk to me. This inevitably gets me going (good ol words of aff) and gets him going, too.
Other times, I will say "I know you don't really care for this stuff in real life, but let me tell you about a fantasy I have......" That way it takes off any pressure that he might feel. He sometimes thinks if I share a fantasy with him that I am puttin the screws to him to make it HAPPEN. Really, I'm just trying to get things revved up.
Well gotta run. Listen, don't you worry about me being missing from your thread. I am NEVER having this baby, I have realized.
First puppy talk: She is absolutely adorable. HD, she was really a gift for my daughter, but we are all smitten; she has a gentle and playful nature. She's a cavalier king charles spaniel( apparently this dog was on Sex in the City--I don't watch the show, and certainly my daughter does not, but it was the breed she had her heart set on). We got her at a breeder recommended to us. The major issue right now is she doesn't want to eat from the bowl so my daughter is hand-feeding her, which everyone says is a no-no.
Now on to sex. I woke up last nite at 3 am and no hubby there. He was in the guest room and said that I was tossing and turning and he couldn't sleep so he went in there. I said I could use a hug and he held his arms out for me to hug him and I said that that wasn't going to do; I wanted him back in bed with me. "But it's 3 am and I need to sleep." "Yeah, well it's 3 am and I want my husband to hold me." It's like I am one big inconvenience. My son awoke and called me over and asked for a hug ( ahh, children) and even the dog looked better than H at that moment. But...he managed to pull his azz out of the guest room and went back into the marital bed and held me til I drifted off. I am tired of being an annoyance to him. I am not a clingy, needy person in general and have been quite independent my whole life...but I am human, and there are some stresses, and I want my H.
That's my vent for the morning.
Hope you're feeling good today HP, thinking of ya.
