Ah, Dawn, bless your heart, you've been one of the folks who kept me going when things looked so very very bleak! I honestly don't know where I'd be without you! Thanks so much! I havent asked you for a while how things are going in your sitch....what's up there? I was always so impressed with how you handled things and were able to turn them around so quickly (and, I have to say, inspired by your fiestyness, throwing the lock at your H....rofl!!!still!!!!) Sometimes is seems to take forever and a day for these guys to come around, but YOU are great at getting the results we are all wanting. I know your H will be eating out of your hand before long!
Today was staff meeting at work. Those are still tough for me, seeing OW even in the same room w/H is tough. not as overwhelming as it used to be, though. So I guess that's progress. I don't speak to her, but she just has this "huffy" look/attitude about her.
One thing I wanted to post before I forget...this probably seems small to everyone else, but I felt like it was a significant indicator of H's progress in letting her go. Bob Seger has this song...don't even know what the title is, but the main theme is reflected in the words "living my life without you babe, is the hardest thing I'll ever do"....H used to always change to something else when that came, ALWAYS....said he didnt like that song. In the car this weekend, he CHOSE the CD with that on it; when the song came on, he didn't change it, he listened! like I said, it probably doesnt mean a thing to anybody else, but it feels huge to me, because I really see it as an indicator of where his minds at.
I stuck a card in his lunch today, got an email from him saying thanks, it was nice....I could use some input on things that have worked for others in rebuilding a great marriage after an affair.
Lots and lots of flattery... My H's self-esteem was shot. (I'm sure that's how xow creeped in.) So I found all kinds of ways to build him up. Told him how hot he was, how sweet he was, how great he was with me...how much I loved him... Just constantly. (He responds well to WOA.) I make sure to notice--and especially tell him whenevery he does anything nice for me. Just trying to make him feel appreciated. It seems to have worked well. Some of it has finally sunk in...took a few months...but he's relaxed a whole lot more now.
I also found if I told him how great he was at something I wanted him to do more of--say, how he's sooo sweet and helps to clean up all of the time, even when he didn't--it increased that behaviour.
And spend some fun, light-hearted time together! We go out and play putt-putt. And now we're trying tennis. Trying new things helps, too...I read somewhere that's a great intimacy builder.
yes, thanks Nevanna, this helps a lot...any and all ideas! I wrote in the card I stuck in his lunch how my heart melted when he held my hand and kissed the back of my neck last weekend, so maybe I'll see more of that! I also told him in the email I sent that I was looking forward to getting to see him tonight, and give him a hug and kiss....so maybe i'm on the right track. Hopefully. He does seem to respond well though. (Now, at least!)
I retract my last statement - I can give some advice 1 - YOU have to be careful to not start crazymaking over every little thing that might be suspicious 2 - love and affirmation to boost his confidence sound great
here, take my 2x4 in case you need it. You're doing great.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Thanks Bill, you know how I am about grasping at straws, but I still think it was significant. I will get by to visit you at your place tomorrow, I promise. I started catching up yesterday, and then got sidetracked and havent gotten back!
Hi Deb - I'm living off your progress, so glad things are moving along.
Quote: H used to always change to something else when that came, ALWAYS....said he didnt like that song. In the car this weekend, he CHOSE the CD with that on it; when the song came on, he didn't change it, he listened! like I said, it probably doesnt mean a thing to anybody else, but it feels huge to me, because I really see it as an indicator of where his minds at.
Ditto. We too used to have songs that would get turned over quickly, but NG seems to be oblivious now.
One thing I'm still amazed at is how quickly NG wants to FORGET everything. He seems happiest when I can pretend none of this ever happened either...
Quote: One thing I'm still amazed at is how quickly NG wants to FORGET everything. He seems happiest when I can pretend none of this ever happened either...
Temporary coping mechanism--he can't handle the enormity of what happened, most especially because he did it.
My H does the same thing a lot. Then he'll crack at the oddest moments. (They all crack, eventually...) I've decided to allow myself to feel things--not necessarily let them run my life--and it's done wonders in helping me let go.
It seems to have worked well. Some of it has finally sunk in...took a few months...but he's relaxed a whole lot more now. 