Hi Corri! Sounds like a good night to me. I wanted to respond to your question about "dues" and where does that leave the LD person. I can tell you, from my experience, that I never--not once--thought of it as my 'due' and began to expect that every week. I relish and love every encounter and they are all unique in their own way..I don't come to expect his awesome efforts every week. What I do expect is for him to stick to HIS word: 2x per week. He does this and usually (again when I am not pg) goes above and beyond it. The above and beyond part is always a treat and pleasant surprise for me.
So I think this fear of yours may be ungrounded or at least untested. Let's ask the NOPlady what she thinks: Does having much more sex than you ever thought you would make it seem like NOP's demands get higher and you are left to, once again, rise to the occasion?
Secondly, you always talk about not having expectations etc, but I noticed that you had a very clear expectation of what the 'correct' answer to your Why question. What if he had been brutally honest and said, Cause I just need to verb your noun, as Mojo suggested. How would you have felt?
I think part of the problem or disconnect occurs between LD and HD people is because of these types of scenarios. Just wanting to verb your noun can seem repulsive to an LD person who is looking for a solid EC to build the encounter on. For an HD, though, it is a matter of wanting to verb YOUR noun. Does that make sense? It is me seeing my H's naked body and wanting to connect with HIM. At that moment, no, I'm not really feeling any sense of love and tenderness but I am desperately seeking HIM. So perhaps your H is feeling a very strong connection with you at the moment but he is scared to self disclose..he is fearful of telling you his real thoughts at the moment, because he will surely fail the test. He DOES have those feelings for you--no doubt about it--but they may not be at the moment when he is initiating sex with you. You may have to accept this, and press for him to express these thoughts at a different time. It might just never happen, except for those moments in which it feels forced or faked. I do think you should press for the EC, don't get me wrong. He needs to come out of his stubborn jackass mode and give this to you--it is your due as his wife. But perhaps the timing is off, is what I am suggesting.
OR, here is something to consider. Were you touching him when this conversation was going on? As an HD person, I am much more apt to be able to be emotional, feel emotional, and express myself when he is touching me. Not necessarily in a sexual way but just a touch from him. Otherwise the distance (mental distance) is too much and I just can't get there. What helps is when he reaches to me and touches me (or touches me back) and I suddenly feel connected to him, in the way that makes my EC come alive, and the thoughts and words come MUCH more easily.
I know all of this is very Corri-oriented and what you could try doing, but Mr Corri is not on here or you can bet we'd all be jumpin on him, lol.
Quote: I am really happy for you and your H. However, taking into account that I can't speak for all HD folk, that isn't what I call desire. What you described is definitely a passionate expression of love but it isn't sexual desire. Sexual desire is an aching longing, not a loving flow of generousity.
What could your H do that would make you ache and long to feel his body joined with yours?
Jesus, you guys. I did ache and long for his body to join mine last night after we got going. Is there an aching, longing present in me that I carry around with me? No. Hence, HD/LD.
If my physical/mental make-up must equal his for him to feel love, we may as well part company now. In absence of that, we work with what we've got... his experience and my experience may differ, the description of it may differ, but if the end result is everyone is happy... not necessarily how they envisioned being happy, but happy nonetheless...
Quote: Is there an aching, longing present in me that I carry around with me? No. Hence, HD/LD.
Are you saying that there is NOTHING your H could do or say that would make you feel horny without actually being touched in a sexual way? You never just see his body or think about his hands on you and get horny? It's just hard for me to understand. To me that would be the equivalent of never wanting ice cream when you walk by the ice cream store or never craving chocolate if you haven't had some for a while etc..
If that is largely how my H feels and it's impossible for him to change, then I will have to give up on the fantasy that he may someday approach me with desire on a regular basis. This is a lot for me to give up in terms of sexual preference because aggressive male desire figures in most of my sexual fantasies. Will my H want to be married to a woman who is only semi-satisfied with a sex life in which she has to be the aggressive partner? Is wanting an aggressive sexual partner an unreasonable expectation, like wanting a sexual partner who looks like the Diet Pepsi guy? I think maybe my H does need to become more HD in order for me to be truly satisfied with our sex life. So the question is "Can someone become more HD?".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I can't speak for your H. He's a guy, after all, and I'm not. I'm not speaking for all LDs, either. I'm just speaking from my own POV.
There are times when I see my H and I feel a 'flash' of desire... but this is the way I am built. I typically don't feel desire until things get going. EC fuels my passion, and passion fuels my desire. That's just me.
I have to go... having a discussion of Chaos Theory with a Quantum Physicist and a Logistics Philosopher, and a side-convo with a practicing Buddhist who speaks in mono-syllables. I'm thinking those discussions are going to be easier, somehow, than discussing HD/LD issues.
Corri: I'm happy for you that your H finally gave you some verbal affirmation. So, all it took was "I want to feel close to you"? If that's all it took, and the fact that he hasn't said something like that to you in "years," well then, girl, you and I would be doing the nasty every night if we were married.
I say that kind of stuff all the time, with no effect.
Quote: To me that would be the equivalent of never wanting ice cream when you walk by the ice cream store or never craving chocolate if you haven't had some for a while etc..
Well, at least now you have some inkling what it means to be LD. Could you imagine if YOU were the one who felt like that? At least it isn't you trying to figure out where your desire for ice cream went...
Hairdog:
No, my H has not said the words: "I really need to be close to you," in as long as I can remember. But in fairness to him, it took me YEARS to figure out ME in order to be able to tell him... it sounds really, really simple, I know, but it darn near burned out my brain cells...
I would venture to guess that not very many people know exactly what makes themselves tick and what it takes for them to be happy. That's not a dig... it's just not as simple as it sounds.
Thanks for 'the nasty' vibe. You can't get a higher compliment than that from an HD!
Lack of sex in a relationship is not the problem (even though it may feel like it). It is a symptom of a bigger problem. It is about communicating and trusting and willing to be vulnerable with the person you are closest to, and trusting that they aren't going to drop you.
Quote:
I am not exactly sure I agree with you just yet. As you know I am the HDW... and I have a REALLY hard time understanding the LDW. A really good friend of mine is a LDW and she talks to me alot...wishing she could be more like me
To me JMO please dont get upset with me... it seems like LDW expect the WORLD from there men in return for a "little" sexuality. All women as a group do is b!tch about their husbands ( they don't help around the house, they aren't there for their children etc etc ) with the note that if their H's were more there for them in all those ways , they would be more willing to give them sex!!
SEX shouldn't be a bargaining tool in a marriage...it should be the one thing that is a constant. The one thing that through all the trials and tribulations of life and marriage that those two people can share and NOBODY can take away.
It just seems to me that women in general hold their sexuality over mens heads ..like it is a piece of candy..... ex... if you are a really good boy and you do everything I say and want today you MIGHT get a little sex from me tonight. How fair is that exactly?
I am sure I am stepping on many peoples toes and I am truly sorry . Like I said though this is JMO. But in defense of myself I have been surrounded by women more in my life than men and I have listened to many conversations between women where the context of most convo's regarding their husbands is about how they (the H's) need to be trained!!!! What the "F" is that? Trained , they are not dogs.... how would we as women feel if our men were saying things like that about us. Trained my ass!!!!
I know you stated that this was just your opinion...and of course you are entitled to that But I would probably try to stay away from generalizations. I happen to agree that too many women do use sex as a weapon...but I wouldn't go so far as to generalize on it. Personally I do know far too many women do this and it really irks me to hear about it. My LDH has in the past had a pattern of selecting women who did use sex as a manipulation and it did quite a bit of damage to his ego/sexuality.
I have to agree with Corrie in the aspect that the lack of sex is often a symptom of a deeper problem. It's not that my LDH doesn't think I'm attractive/desireable; he has just become so used to being turned down and put down (not by me) that he doesn't even think about sex anymore. It's the old "use it or lose it" addage. He's become so accustomed to not having sex that he doesn't even think about asking for it...so it's always left up to me to initiate (and often get shot down). He's just now getting to the point that he will talk to me about sex and respond in some manner if I request it; whether it's telling me that he's simply too tired and that we can try again another time...or responding favorably.
In the past I'd get nothing, I'd be ignored...as if I never brought it up or that I wasn't even in the room. Did he ignore me to be cruel? No...he was (and still is) uncomfortable with making himself that vulnerable to me. Because of his past experiences he has major intimacy issues...which fortunately for me he's working on :-)
So I really do think that if you look deeper you'll see that there really is something else there besides sex. Take your friends who complain about their husbands...I imagine that if you were able to climb into their relationships you would see that there are needs not being met on both sides of the equation...it's not just that the hubbys aren't doing enough...I bet if you asked the hubbys...the wives are falling short somewhere too (nagging/complaining/not making him feel important, etc).
Meeting needs is something many of us are trying to learn how to do...and learning what the other persons needs are can be quite difficult...but once you pinpoint them and work harder to meet them, surprise, surprise! Your needs begin to be met as well (sexual or non).
You are correct that was a HUGE generalization on my part and I realized it as soon as I sent it. My sincerest apologies to anyone I might have offended.
I think I have a probably unfair jaded opinion on my fellow wives who happen to be LD. I hear and sympathize with the tiredness of raising children, fulltime employment etc.... been there done that times 6. I just never used sex as a tool for anything. I have also heard the stories of both side male/female (at least within my family) and I agree it is a double edged sword.
All I see is a bunch of unhappy people pretending that everything is great when in fact it isn't.
Why cant two people who claim to love each other completely.... find that their emotional connection will become greater when sex is a integral factor in their lives. Not something that is bartered.
