It is tough. That's how I got off into the where to eat convo. Apparently, I'm the ne plus ultra in husbands, so I'm having a really hard time finding something to change. I haven't given up though. I will figure it out.
I'll tell you what's tough. I'm trying to change myself in such a way she will more likely want to get close to me. Many on the Board have suggested that W has other issues, and that may be the case, but I can't get her to spell them out, and she won't go to a C.
I realize in my own mind that one reason I want W to come with me to a C is that I want an authority figure to validate my POV. I know that's wrong, but I can't deny it. So I'm here spilling my guts to y'all.
To get back to MrsNOP, I really like her frankness. I know I'm the one with the problem now, in that I'm unhappy and W isn't. Perhaps there's a board where people could complain about HD spouses who are agressive and pushy in their attempts to foist sex on unwilling partners. I don't know if I could HOM there.
Michael Whiner, Author of the NYT bestseller, "The Sex-Stuffed Marriage."
Yup,Yup, Yup! (Gawsh, the kids HAVE to stop watching land before time)
My W also says that she'd change nothing, that I am perfect. When pressed, she said something about me being grumpy, so I am doing my best to make myself a happy guy sex or no sex. It isn't working too well on days when I havent' gotten any for a day or two but I am trying. In the mean time, jsut trying to be more conscious of her mood to see when she really needs a hand instead of when it is convenient for me.
I realize in my own mind that one reason I want W to come with me to a C is that I want an authority figure to validate my POV. I know that's wrong, but I can't deny it. So I'm here spilling my guts to y'all.
I dont' think that's entirely "wrong"; I remember when w was seeing a C a while back...the C told her the same stuff I already told her. She didn't want to hear it from me. But when someone with lots of letters after their name said it...it was brilliant
and GGB: a couple of days????? try "a couple of months !! how grumpy would you be then??
Often if I ask W a question, she will refuse to answer it. She knows that if a C asked her a direct question, W couldn't just stonewall. So if we were to go to a C, that dynamic alone could be very helpful in establishing communication. W knows this of course.
My W often avoids conversation if she thinks it will lead to a discussion of sex. And she thinks this is perfectly justified.
Quote: and GGB: a couple of days????? try "a couple of months !! how grumpy would you be then??
It used to be a couple of weeks, but W is making a very good and noticed effort now. Before this summer I had gotten into a more or less perpetual grouchy state because I was miserable thinking I wasn't getting enough. I still notice myself starting to get grumpy after a few days, but I am getting better at staying cheerful. Worst I've had it is about 10 weeks between LM, and that sucked. On average before this summer it was 1-2x a month, often in the form of obvious duty sex. I can't imagine how you guys that get it once a year or less hang in there. On the otherhand, in a cruel sort of way I suppose, coming here and seeing tht some of you were getting far less than me somehow made me feel better and at the same time made me feel a little like maybe I really was oversexed. I ramble, I'll shut up now.
Quote: I want an authority figure to validate my POV
This is not wrong. After a while, wrestling with this issue makes you nuts. It's great to have validation from a knowledgeable outsider that you're not. WE'LL validate that you're not nuts, but we're also inmates.
I had a wonderful session with the C a couple of months ago. After two years of this R, the drinking, the surgery, the lack of sex, the wondering if it's me, if it's him, yadda, yadda, yadda... I went to the C alone and just spilled out the whole situation. I took four typewritten pages of notes with me and gave them to him, and just laid it on the line.
I got such validation-- it was absolutely one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I don't want you to think that we sat there and trashed my bf-- we did not. But what I got was validation that I had been through some real stress, that it was perfectly normal and desirable for me to want to have regular sexual interaction with my bf, that it was perfectly normal for me to be hurt and put off by his unwillingness and deflection of the sexual issue.
I left there walking on a cloud. I felt that I had been restored to myself. That in the two years of this R, I had made many, many teeny wrong turns, many seemingly harmless conpromises, many concessions. That I had been hurt in small ways and just swallowed the hurt. So I had, bit by bit, wandered off the main highway and was lost in the desert. I felt that that one session "snapped" me back on course. When I left there, I felt that I had fallen in love-- with me.
I had been trying to live happily in my bf's world, which is a crazy world when it comes to intimacy. Because he does so many other good, nurturing things, you can mistake it for a normal, healthy world, but it is not. To me (back to the meal analogy) it was like a table set for dinner, with beautiful dishes, flowers, glasses, but the food was not nourishing... I wasn't getting the emotional nourishment I needed to thrive. I was trying to make myself fit--to eat the food and be happy-- but my own tendency toward wholeness was resisting. My internal meter was saying, "you need vitamins, minerals, fiber, protein, and you're not getting them."
Why haven't I left him? Because I know many of the issues triggered by this R are indeed MY ISSUES. Otherwise I would not be with him. And I think if this R can be saved, the Schnarch-y Crucible way can do it. If it can't, so be it. I'm determined to GROW, with him or without him.
So, mand, if she won't go with you, GO to the C on your own. Take care of YOU!
