Quote: But what I got was validation that I had been through some real stress, that it was perfectly normal and desirable for me to want to have regular sexual interaction with my bf, that it was perfectly normal for me to be hurt and put off by his unwillingness and deflection of the sexual issue.
the "V" word...I think that's what its all about. That's what these people are peddling...the Cs, and the books, like "SSM" and others. Either condition (HD or LD) will find "validation" in there...an ego stroke, if you will. might make you feel better in the short term, but does it really solve anything? plus, the other side's POV is just as valid. they NEEEED to not have sex, just as much as we NEEEED to have it.
I've never met anyone that was able to "fix" whatever their problem was through "counceling". a few years back, we spent HUGE sums of money (enough to quallify for a medical tax deduction) on a shrink that W just loved...she always felt great when she came home from a session. but nothing was ever solved. Since she's stopped working, and had the baby, there's no way we can afford this sort of thing anymore. insurance doesn't cover it...at east not this particular shrink. and she's right back where she started, IMO. So what is the point?
to top it off, it would be way out of my comfort zone to go airing dirty laundry to some stranger. I don't care what letters they tack on to the end of their name...the very thought of it just makes me {shudder}. the only reason I can do it here is because this is a completely anonymous venue.
You made my day **"Sex Surrogates R Us".** Thats a lot better than "Hand jobs is me" I like your humor
I did see a Human Sexuality Psychology progran on TV ( The Discovery Health or Learning Channel). They did have "Sex Surrogates" for supposed "shy people." Arn't you a shy person?
Thursday night, H and I went to bed and H says to me:
"Let's do a quickie."
ME: "Why?"
Him: "Why not?"
ME: "You didn't answer my question."
He said nothing more and fell asleep.
Last night, we were talking about that episode, and I bring up emotional connection and it's importance to me. He said that when I asked him "why?" the night before, he knew what I wanted to hear and could not bring himself to say anything. He said he was pissed that he would even have to. I should know what I mean to him.
"But my needs are as important as your own. You feed me, I feed you. Then we are both happy and full. If I only feed you, then I starve and can no longer feed you. It's not like meeting my needs costs you anything, unless you chose to see it that way."
His response: I hear you. I just don't think I should have to, is all.
Later that evening, after we go to bed, H starts in his habitual manner. I stopped him. He throws a fit. "Once again, it has to be your way!! No sex yet again!!"
I told him it did not have to be like this. This isn't a my way or his way scenario, and I was very sorry he chose to see it that way. I told him I was very much interested in developing an 'our way,' so that we could both win.
He said 'whatever,' rolled over and went to sleep.
Based on your posts in the past, I am assuming that you wanted him to say something about loving you and wanting to be close to you. The problem is you might have been asking him to be dishonest. While it is true that it is very difficult for a HD spouse to feel close to a spouse with whom they are not having sex, that doesn't mean that the only reason they want to have sex is to feel close to their spouse. His truthful answer to "Why?" might have been something like "Because your nouns look sexy adjective and that makes me want to verb your noun." or "Because I heard Paula Cole singing on the radio on my way home from work and I haven't thought about anything but verbing since then.". The fact that he asked for sex by saying "Let's do a quickie." makes me think that wanting to express his love for you wasn't his primary motivation for sex that evening.
Do you need for him to be primarily motivated by his feelings of attachment for you every time he wants to have sex? I'm really not trying to be judgemental here, I just think that perhaps you need to clarify your position on the matter. In order to be aroused, do you need to see every sexual encounter as "making love" as opposed to "f*cking"? Is a verbal expression of love and desire for emotional connection from your H the minimum that you need in order to see the encounter as "making love"?
I think by refusing to say what you want to hear, your H might be expressing his desire to "f*ck" rather than "make love" and also his frustration that it seems like you never want to "f*ck".
Is this issue so important to you that you are willing to put your marriage on the line?
I don't think this is necessarily a straight-forward HD/LD issue. My H would hate it if I said something to him like you want your H to say to you because it would make the encounter an emotionally big deal and therefore put more pressure on him. It's easier for him to be sexual if I keep it "light" and erotic.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: He said that when I asked him "why?" the night before, he knew what I wanted to hear and could not bring himself to say anything
Bravo to Mr C for being honest even if it meant pissing you off and possibly getting turned down even more in the future. Would it really have meant something to you if you could have just put in a nickel, pulled the handle, and gotten the answer you wanted to get?
Rather than asking "why?" which you must have known would irritate him, you could have said, "You know, I'm not really in the mood for a quickie, but if you can help me get myself warmed up a bit, I'd like to really ML." Then he could have checked in with himself and seen how much effort he was willing to put forth. I have a feeling you'd have both "come" out winners.
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