Guess you better hustle now and pick up your place!!! Can't have him coming over to the results of your weekend of (well-deserved) sloth, now, can we?
This is a good opportunity to let him see the contrast between your warm, nurturing home and OW's craziness and neediness.
Remember - just keep your expectations low and your PMA high. Stick to the high road and don't bash the OW (let him do it, fine, but don't add your two cents. Be better than that). Validate him.
I wouldn't expect anything out of him tonight, but it IS a good opportunity to provide contrast, and it will stick with him, even if he seems oblivious at the time.
That's what I did, kept my expectations low and tried to keep my PMA high.
I would never say anything about OW 2, I never have done actually, this whole year. The only things I requested was that H not sleep in the same bed with D and OW 2 together, or bring OW 2 here to this house. He very stoutly defended OW 2 each time (telling me that D liked OW 2 very much etc, as if I was questionaing that, or that OW 2 just turned up in the rain... ), but I was not even attacking her as such, just telling H where MY boundaries were. But, I guess after all the defending of OW 2 that H has done, he has a lot of backtracking to do.
It was a farily uneventful evening and morning. H did not directly ask me anything much. He did a lot of talking about his work, and general affairs. I would say he is still a very aggressive and angry person, though not, it appears, towards me.
For instance, the country we live in is a 'joke'.
The guy that supposedly felt uncomfortable in my presence due to my lack of language skills and who now comes to my house for cooking lessons, is, according to H, a 'pimp'. Not a nice guy at all.
His landlord gets on his nerves.
His flat in the hills is no good.
He rants and rages quite a bit. Not exactly in his nicest frame of mind these days. Nothing is his fault, it is always something wrong with others.
When he arrived he held me by both shoulders to give me a kiss on the cheek, I feel very controlled in this way! I have to stop feeling irritated that the level of contact and affection always has to be set by H, and I am just the recipient!
Some positives -
H didn't say anything negative about or to me directly. He thanked me for letting him stay the night. He cooked pancakes for breakfast. He kissed me goodbye. He behaved as if he were quite at home in this house, helping himself to stuff from the fridge etc. (Is this a positive?? )
More later
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: When he arrived he held me by both shoulders to give me a kiss on the cheek, I feel very controlled in this way! I have to stop feeling irritated that the level of contact and affection always has to be set by H, and I am just the recipient!
Geez, LNL, that sounds romantic to me! Next best thing to someone taking your face in their hands and kissing you on the lips - very purposeful, not casual at all!
As for all the anger and irritability - depression, depression, depression. Especially in men, it often expresses itself less as tearfulness and sadness and more as anger and irritability. My H became almost like one of those "road rage" drivers, mad at everyone on the road, at everyone at his work, at the kids, etc. Amazing how it calmed down when his depression got treated, and returned when he went off his medications once.
The good thing? He DIDN'T direct it at you! That's huge, because we all know, in the beginning, WASs think WE are the cause of everything that irritates them. Sounds like he's unhappy with where he's put himself, but he's no longer blaming you for it. That's good!
Quote: I have to stop feeling irritated that the level of contact and affection always has to be set by H, and I am just the recipient! And I should have added, "or not, as the case may be!"
Yes, Ellie, I guess I should see even a "controlling peck" as better than nothing!
I am having trouble thinking of concrete ways of affirming H these days. He is mostly in a sort of lecture/rant mode. Could be mild or severe. Does JUST listening to him count as affrimation?
Some further things from our last meeting -
He grilled me at one point as we were watching a movie in the local language - how much did I understand, did I understand 100% of everything? I am way too honest and literal, and was sort of trying to come up with a precise evaluation of my language skills instead of just saying - Ya sure, I understand it! (I mean, he can be such a bull sh*tter, why don't I take a leaf out of his book?? )
He did mention that when I talked to the waiter at the restaurant the other day, my language skills had improved... so I guess he is taking stuff in, although he APPEARS to be rather indifferent to and uninterested in me!
He told me his work project proposal will take at least another six months to complete (as recommended by his friend), so he won't be doing much travelling to my country in a hurry.
Says, although he said the same thing last year, he really does need to come down to live in the city this winter, he can't stay up in the hills any longer. Needs to spend more time with D. He didn't specifically mention getting a house though...
I don't know if this has any significance. This mention of D. I must say, although I am very happy he has a good R with our D, it hurts when he signs off emails with "Give my love to D" while pointedly not mentioning any for myself!
Or when he talks about it being nice to spend time with D, while again leaving out the unspoken - "don't miss YOU!!" Know what I mean?
Anyway, I won't borrow trouble!
D is back at school tomorrow, I am back on schedule with my routine, I think I will feel calmer. Need to plan a schedule for the next two months to achieve the goals I set out earlier.
You know, thinking about my estranged brother, and perhaps even my H, I realise that although I have my day to day stresses, I am actually a happy person underneath. I do not hate the world, I do not hate people, I am basically optimistic of a good outcome, longterm. I love plenty of people, I have good friends around the world. I don't have much to be ashamed of. I'll be OK!
Think I'll go to sleep on that!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
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