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LivNlearn

My deepest sympathys to you and your family on the loss of your mother.

I want to let you know how much I admire your strength in this time of great soorow and stress.

I hope you have read or can get access to the book "Divorce Remedy" if you haven't already read it.
there is a section in there on dealing with relatives and friends who just want you to "get it over with" and :move on with your life".
In an effort to take away your pain, they try and help you by telling you to move on, but you are the only one who can say when you are ready or not to do that. They mean well and only say this to spare you from pain but they are not you and you have to make any decision about what you want for your marriage.

I wish you peace and serenity in the next few days and weeks as you go through this journey.

The bboard is a wonderful place to come for support and comfort.
Please take time to give to yourself what you need right now.

Love,
Trish

Hello Trish and others

I just have time for a tiny update of sorts.

Trish, yes of course I have read Divorce Remedy. I've evidently been wallowing too much in my emotions lately for it to show?

Thanks for your kind thoughts too. I know once sis goes back I will feel the full force of the loss of our mother.

D had a dream yesterday - a "wonderful" dream where "you and Daddy were together, and all three of us were up in the hills, and Daddy could drive and we had a car and a tent and we went around camping, and then we went to this place with lots of water, even in the hotel, and everything was floating......"

I really do think we could have that if all parties wanted it. (Except the floating in water bit!)

And back to H's invite to have lunch together next week. I know he is wary of meeting my sis hence he won't come down this week. He knows what she thinks of him.

And a little voice is telling me he wants to find out about what my mother might have left me, so that maybe he can pay me less. Think I will have to come up with a figure that he needs to pay for D's maintenance, whatever my other circumstances are. I don't want to be jerked around on this issue for ever more.

Ok, here is a specific request. If H asks me straight out whether or what my mother has left me, how can I tell him it is none of his business without being rude and getting his back up? As far as I am concerned, it is none of his concern seeing as how we are legally separated. Some months ago he enquired how much her house fetched when it was sold, and I told him it was something I couldn't tell him, being my nother's private business.

Thanks.

Livnlearn

Hi LnL;

sorry to hear of your loss
just lost my g-ma who was mom to me after my mom died when i was 15

as for his asking "what did you get" - aarrgghh but you are most likely right
he's doing the vulture thing to see if he can use that against you

you can tell him a couple of things to drop the subject

it takes awhile for all the probate stuff to be tended to
tell him that well you really don't know with probate stuff going on

tell him that you'd really rather not talk about it right now

mention a few of her "bills" that need to be tended to
that'll give him the impression that it won't be much when the "inheritance" comes thru

but each time he brings it up i'd change the subject
he's not a part of the family right now
so it's really none of his business at this time
if he comes to his senses & comes home, i'd still not tell him

I do agree that your sis means well for you & only wants your pain to end
It's hard to hear them say just move on
but it's painful for them to see us in pain like we are

I know I've been dealing with this for over 2 yrs now
oct 11th 2002 was bomb drop day for me
& byron's been bouncing back & forth ever since
until last month when i finlly couldn't take it any more

now he's on the couch & we're hardly talking
stopped dbing nicely & haven't been able to go back yet
i just want time & space to myself away from him & his drama

after reading love must be tough by dobson i cut off sex
after all this isn't really a marriage as it's suppose to be
just wish that i could get the break from him so he could "miss" me
i'm trying to get him get the cars into order so he doesn't have to be here

it's so hard having him here on the couch & barely talking
i kinda envy you in that your husband at least talks to you
& offers to take you out to lunch even if it's unclear as to his motives

so take heart there's always someone who's in worse shape than you
this may be the begining of the end for me
we'll see how it plays out over the next few months
byron's up to something, just don't know what at this point
if we make it to new years maybe then i'll have some real hope

in the mean time i'm trying to just be ok with having a roommate
& starting intense counseling over the next few weeks for me

{{{{HUGS}}}} & Prayers are going out to you & D

Quote:

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Ok, here is a specific request. If H asks me straight out whether or what my mother has left me, how can I tell him it is none of his business without being rude and getting his back up?

---

Just tell him you don't know yet (I like the idea of telling him her bills have to be settled) - then get teary eyed and say you're really still too upset to talk about your mom.

Ellie

Hi MMH and Ellie,

Thanks for your suggestions. Maybe I am being paranoid for nothing, but I feel I should at least be prepared for that question. I will keep any answer vague and about me and how I feel, not about him.

I was very busy the last two days. We were away all day yesterday. This morning I listened to two voice messages from H, asking us to get in touch with him so he could speak to D. We only got hold of him this evening. After chatting with D he told me he was coming down for the day on Wednesday and we could have lunch together (must be coming down without OW?) I said OK!

Then H also talked about how next weekend is Halloween, and D wants to be with her friends. She has not mentioned anything about Halloween to me. H says, of course I want her up here, or at least, I want to see her, but I am not sure how to plan this. He seemed to me to perhaps be wanting an invite to come down and stay over. I just listened to his explanation, as I couldn't think far enough ahead. Said I would get back to him about it. I stayed pleasant.

Then we talked about his new piece of equipment at some length, and we also talked about D's swimming lessons last year, and some other concerns. All very pleasant and civil. We must have talked for a good ten to fifteen minutes, a record for the past few months.

I really need to practice my listening and validating skills. I have been very amused to see the dynamics of my relationship with my sister these past few weeks. We have our various flashpoints, but we both know that our R is too precious to throw away over some tiff or the other. One thing I can say is, it is SOOOOO TRUE that often the thing we love to loudly point out as a fault in others is a big failing in ourselves, and we are so blind to this! It is amusing when we see this happening in others, but what about in ourselves?

Well, got get to bed and get some sleep.

Will update further when I have more energy.

Thanks all for the input

Livnlearn

Hello all

It is about eleven months since I enrolled on this board (at which point H and I had been separated for seven months). At the time my H had broken up with OW 1 and was very depressed and seemed to be making overtures to me - he wanted to be friends. Things seemed to be going well, but he kept his distance after all and started up another R with OW 2, with whom he had cultivated a "friendship" during the last two years of our marriage. I relaize now that although he was reconnecting in some ways around Christmas and New Year, he was also setting in motion the beginnings of his new R with OW 2. Although it lasted only a few weeks, OW 2 stuck around him (she is from another country) as a "friend". Then he reconnected briefly with OW 1. Then when I went away for the long summer vacations this year, he restarted an R with OW 2. I don't know what the status of their R is right now.

I was reviewing all the emails I have sent H since about this time last year, when I started DBing. There are over 120 of them, and all of them without exception are written with restraint and often with love. Not an angry word there. The most I fell off the wagon was with a bit of defending and explaining once or twice.

In contrast, H's emails to me have been all over the place -angry, ranting, contrite, tender, apologetic, apopletic, reasonable - you get the picture. Going by the emails it looks like he is on more of a roller coaster than I am, LOL!

I may have come to this BB to rant and rave and cry, but mostly all my H got to see was a rather consistent me. He didn't like it when I laid down some boundaries, or seemed to get on with my life, for example when I travelled away for the summer, etc.

Right now we are civil with each other, he even signed off with "Love H" in one email to me when I was away recently to see my dying mother, but thereafter he reverted to just "H" or "Cheers".

Tomorrow we are meeting for lunch, at his invitiation. I am not cetain of his motives at all, but I will go and try to enjoy myself! I will practice my listening skills, and my validating skills! I will go to bed at a reasonable time tonight so I don't have rings under my eyes!

If I think of any 180s between now and tomorrow lunch, I will put them into practice. Any other tips?

Livnlearn

Two words -
cleavage and perfume

Ellie

Got you, Ellie!

Livnlearn

Sounds like you have been working very hard and using DB and DR principles. Have you thought of trying to use H's LLs tomorrow?

Hi Genie

Yes, that's words of affirmation, especially with regard to his personal work project!

Livnlearn