Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Happy B-day to me..RIGHT?????

You have the best way of explaining things! I have threatened to find my attention from elsewhere and I get the " IF you cheat on me we are finished " statement. See he won't give it to me and then expects that I will stay here with him no matter what. I never thought about the golden c*ck thing though! Do you really think he feels that way? OMG light bulb duh?!!! I feel like an idiot right now.

I reread my comment " a happy, healthy, sexual raletionship and I want to correct that to say a Happy, Healthy and Sexual Relationship/Marriage. My marriage is literally the most important thing in my life. If it was just about the sex or lack of it I would have been gone years ago. I love my H and think he is the most amazing person. I have been told by him and others ( family, friends etc) that I need to take him off the pedestal I have put him on cuz he ain't that special. I always find a reason for him to be up there!!

Mine also went by basically unobserved (I'm 43 now). No sex, no party, no good night kiss, no nothin. All I got was a palm pilot....and rosy palms.

Guess I am in more negative mood right now. I've gotten the old excuses the last two days and less than enthusiastic sex over the weekend so frustration is creeping back in. It is starting to feel like business as usual again.

Is it just something with the pressure of feeling like OMG they have to perform? It isnt like I actually put myself out there and Ask fo it? I haven't directly asked for it in about a year maybe more. I just can't handle the MANY reasons he has for why we can't.

Ricsgirl,
Here is what I have found: Reading a book will not automatically translate into what he needs to do and what you are expecting from him.

You will need to screw your nads on tight and tell him, in no uncertain terms, what you want and what will change if it does not happen.

For instance, my H agreed to sex twice per week and I told him that this was great, I am so happy to hear that, etc, but I also told him that if this did not become a behavior change that I would be moving out of our bedroom.

I understand that you are desperately in love with your H...we all are, believe me.
But as long as he knows that you are so devoted to him that you will not make ANY negative move (not even as drastic as cheating) he has no motivation to change. You are just a bunch of hot air to him if you push for sex but then still provide him with a great lifestyle and everything he could ever want. He knows that you will get over your anger and disappointment--it is just a matter of time on those things.

As far as you not changing anything...well, I can say from experience that this just won't work. I spent a lot of time sitting back and waiting for him to do all the changing. You can guess how well that went over! If the situation were reversed and he was making a demand that I change my personality..and then sat back and waited...and WATCHED (even worse!) I would have felt so self conscious that I'm sure I would have been paralyzed.
What I should have done was:
1. Make my wants known (ie, sex 2x per week)
2. Let it be known what the consequences will be if it doesn't happen.
3. Get a life of my own and let him see that my happiness does not hinge on what he does.

This last one was particularly hard for me as I am a stay at home mother of little kids so getting a life of my own is next to impossible at this time in my life. BUT what I did do was to cultivate my own sense of self esteem that did not hinge on what he did or did not do. I know I am a sexy lady (well not right at this moment, but hopefully soon!) and project that attitude to all who know me. I do as many things as I can that make me happy and feel successful, even if they are so small that they wouldn't even register on others' maps. I take notice of patterns in my life and follow the ones that seem to make a positive difference in my days.

Hope this helps. Taking the first steps (establishing a communication pattern where you are crystal clear on what you want and what will happen if he doesn't try to accomodate this) are the hardest BY FAR.
It gets easier as time goes by because this foundation is already laid.

GOOD LUCK! and happy birthday to you!

Thank you so much for your insight. I am getting stronger just sitting here reading what all of you are writing me. I appreciate everyones advice and I truly look forward to talking with all of you.

Quote:

---

For instance, I'm sure your H appreciates it when you make him a nice meal, but I'm also sure that a bellyfull of lasagne isn't a turn-on for him. If this was the case the Food Network would be rated XXX.

---

MM,
Gastroporn is a sexual view of food. A good example of gastroporn is when people salivate over a certain kind of mushroom or exotic chocolate or wax poetic over the last lamb chop they ate. It can be very stimulating.

Well that is different. I guess I am not into looking at food sexually. I really dont particularly enjoy eating so maybe that is why!!

Gastroporn.

Oh I swear I must be the most sheltered person on this bb.

I am always the one writing, WHAT?? when people list out these far-end-of-the-spectrum sexual proclivities.

Honey, who is vanilla and proud.
And who also LIKES vanilla but doesn't get turned on by it.

Not to worry you arent the only one at least thinking WHAT?
I am thinking I must be missing out on some new form of enticement. AHA maybe I need to use food!! Just joking I dont even think that would help.