I just got here today... I actually went out in the world instead of spending all morning on this board. Ahhh, the outside world's not all it's cracked up to be.
Hair, what if you set up the basement as sort of an "Adults Only Getaway Zone." If she has times she needs to be alone, she can go there. If you have times you want to be alone, you can go there. It would be a neutral zone (like in Star Trek) or a demilitarized zone (like in Viet Nam). You could put some stuff in there you both like... tv, vcr, daybed, books, pictures. But the decor would emphasize you as adults, not as parents. Maybe, in an ideal universe, it could become a playroom for you two. Mabye some ML could even take place there. There would be only one rule: no arguing there, nothing negative. Just play, alone or together. Just an idea. Sorry things are so cr-ppy right now.
That's not a bad idea, Lillie. At my daughter's Montessori school, there is a "Peace Chair." Kids go sit in it when they need to be alone. Sometimes, when a kid is misbehaving, the teacher says, "you should go to the Peace Chair and sit and think about how you made your friend feel." Maybe what we need down in the basement is a Peace Chair.
Maybe from time to time, it could become a "piece" chair.
But seriously, as you know, my bf and I each have our own houses. Right now I'm at my house alone. Even the dog is at his house. Bf is at work, and later I'll go over there because today is his twins' 16th birthday. We'll spend the next two nights there, then come back here to my house.
I ADORE being at my house alone. Just to be here with no one else around. No one wants anything from me. I can play on the computer, take a nap, eat Pringles... there are no demands.
And I don't even have any kids... Y'all who are parents... I think I said in another thread that y'all are like the froggy in the pot where the water keeps getting turned up hotter and hotter... My hat is truly off to you. You are dealing with a tremendous amount of responsibility and stress. I'm not saying it's a bad thing-- in fact, I'm a bit envious of you and your families-- but the weight of it all can be overwhelming, if you let yourself think about it.
One of the things my bf used to do that would drive me nuts is stay up late on the computer after I went to bed. Yeah, part of it probably was that he was avoiding intimacy with me. BUT I truly did understand his need to be awake in his house without me around. Everyone need solitude from time to time. Everyone needs periods of time when they don't have to answer to anyone else. (GGB, when you don't have that, that's when you start to "lose yourself.")
A place to go to be alone with yourself... to be Off Duty (besides the bathroom)... a place to be an adult, to have fun, to relax, to nap, to play with yourself or with someone else. It might work.
This morning, I did something different. Usually, right before I exit the house, I go to our bedroom, lean over the bed, kiss my wife goodbye, and tell her to have a great day. Sometimes, I resent this "habit," especially after an argument, when I don't feel particularly like kissing her. However, when I didn't kiss her goodbye, she has called me on my cellphone and given me hell, telling me that I'm not helping things, that I did this just to hurt her, etc.
(about 20 minutes have passed...she DID call me, but I'll go into that in a sec)
So I just said, "Goodbye" and left. It felt good. It felt that way because I was being true to myself...I wasn't doing something I didn't feel like doing.
She called. She asked my why I didn't kiss her goodbye. I told her it was because I was still angry about the abuse allegations, and, although I appreciated her apology, I wasn't ready to forgive yet. She wanted to make sure it wasn't because I was "punishing" her. I said, "no. I just didn't feel like kissing you. It's one of the consequences of what you did to me, but it's not my intent to punish you."
She went into a long rant on how she feels alone and I "never" give her any support in this town to which she moved for MY benefit. I told her that I didn't doubt that was how she felt about it (thanks, Corri), but that I wasn't going to go into all the ways I did support her. She wants me to provide her with all the support she needs (emotional, financial, time, an ever-changing target), but is not willing to even listen to my needs (which are simple, free, concrete, and measurable) until she "gets her life together."
I reminded her that I had brought up my needs to her years ago, years before a move to KC was even contemplated, and she had told me she would "work on it." I see little progress, not to mention the fact that "working on it" is just kind of insulting in and of itself. Why did you marry me if you have to work so hard on desiring me?
She told me that she was on the edge, emotionally. I suggested that she go to counseling (I didn't mention marriage counseling because, at this point, I didn't want it to be about "me" or "us," just her). She said she can't fulfill her obligations now, and can't imagine making time to see a counselor. I can't force her to go, or to make time for herself. All I can do is offer to be there to take up the slack when she is not there, which is what I already do.
Nothing was resolved during the call. As someone else has said on this thread, we seem to be unable to talk WITH each other, and just talk AT each other.
Let's look, for second, back at the bright side: I didn't sacrifice my SELF this morning by doing what has become expected of me.
Hairdog - looking forward to working out in the fitness center at lunch.
Quote: "reminded her that I had brought up my needs to her years ago, years before a move to KC was even contemplated, and she had told me she would "work on it." I see little progress, not to mention the fact that "working on it" is just kind of insulting in and of itself. Why did you marry me if you have to work so hard on desiring me?"
Wow, that must have hit her right between the eyeballs. I think that was the perfect thing to say...she want to tell you what you don't do for her, even asks why you didn't kiss her goodbye...and the one thing that is important to you just isn't important enough. This was a long time a'coming, hairdog IMO.
Lettie - who is also looking forward to a good workout at lunch today.
Just a thought. Don't you find it interesting how your wife views you as more of an advisary than as a allie? That she somehow thinks that your purpose in life is to do all in your power not to help her, or trip her up, or make her feel miserable? That she somehow believes you are trying to control her?
Hang in there, and congrats for sticking up for yourself this morning.
Quote: not to mention the fact that "working on it" is just kind of insulting in and of itself. Why did you marry me if you have to work so hard on desiring me?
This is something that I struggle with as well. I know that MARRIAGE is supposed to be work, and even the overall RELATIONSHIP, and CERTAINLY trying to raise four kids. But why should it be "work" to hold my hand or scratch my head?
Stay the course... sounds like it's gonna get worse before it gets better.
Quote: Don't you find it interesting how your wife views you as more of an advisary than as a allie? That she somehow thinks that your purpose in life is to do all in your power not to help her, or trip her up, or make her feel miserable? That she somehow believes you are trying to control her?
Funny how that "distorted view" exists with LDWs who deflect all questions with questions, refuse to own up to responsibility for the R and M problems, and view all attempts by the HDH at talking about things as "attacks" on themselves.
In my world, I thought about telling my W that I was her ally, not her adversary. I thought about telling my W that I wanted us to "control things" as equals, where we each took responsibility for bringing up M issues when we felt out of balance. I decided that this would convey to her that I was weak and powerless against her whims. My W chooses to ignore the problems. hairdog's probably does too.
My bf is also very quick to hear a lot of what I say about the R as an "attack." I think the war/conflict-tainted language is inappropriate and inaccurate.
Early in our R, I said that we needed to establish what I called "an assumption of good will" between us. By this I meant that the default condition for our interactions would be for each of us to assume the other meant no harm. IOW we would BEGIN with that assumption until proven otherwise. I guess I should have been suspicious when he wouldn't agree to that! Yikes! He said he couldn't agree to ANY assumptions at ALL, implying that he had made that mistake in the PAST and didn't plan on doing it again (and then promptly rode away on his Huffy bike!)!!
I think NOW after over two years, he sees that that was a reasonable assumption, and pretty much agrees to it. But he's still on a hair trigger where criticism (or anything with a whiff of cricitism) is concerned.
Why did I stick around? I'm still asking myself that one...
Lillie, I've said the same thing to myW. "If something I say to you can be taken two (or more) ways, and one of those ways is not offensive, THAT's the way I meant it." She didn't agree either.
I can't wait to see what AtlDave has to say about your BF's choice of bicycle.
Ahhh, the outside world's not all it's cracked up to be. 
