I think that it is time that you start saying what you mean. Instead of beating around the bush because that is more comfortable for you. It will make her blow up because she knows that she can get away with it. With out you telling her what you want in no uncertain terms and then you need to follow through on what you say. No more pussyfooting around. Be bold.
Quote: I just want to lay down and catch up on my sleep.
Welcome to your crucible, honey. The day you are ready to walk away is the day you actually have the strength to save your marriage... you are losing your illusions. When you are able to see the marriage for what it is, and not how you want to see it, is the day you have the courage to draw your boundary.
If you don't do this Hairdog, I promise you, promise you, as my shrink promised me, you will continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
If you are ready and willing to walk away, you have nothing to lose by drawing a boundary, and only everything to gain. Trust me on this one, guy. Ask MoJo. Ask Nopkins. Ask AtlantaDave.
And yes, it's the scariest thing you will ever do in your life. Why that is beats the shiit outta me... but it's the only way through your he!!.
The thing that gets me is that she has made such a big deal out of a recent "mistake" I made, and how it has eroded her trust in me. This mistake was how I handled her wish to buy a house out in the country. I thought about all the pros and cons and told her that I was not interested in moving. She got very upset with me and told me I wasn't considering her feelings. Well, I was considering her feelings, but thought that it was more important to look at the stresses such a move would put on my relationship with the kids, getting to school events, etc. Anyway, she said that I didn't really discuss the matter with her, and instead, announced my answer. She has held this up to me as a BIG EVENT from which she learned that I am NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
So, what am I supposed to make of a woman who threatens to call 911 and tell the police that I am abusing her, just so I will get out of HER bed? I'd say that's a trust breaker.
As far as reaching the day I am strong enough to walk away from the M, I'm there. I have no illusions left. I am doubtful that she will ever make a change for the better.
The only monkey wrench in the works, bless her heart, is my DD3. And that is what I need to figure out. Is she better off living with a single mom and seeing Dad on every other weekend (or less often, if W moves away?) Or is she better off living in a house where mom and dad don't trust each other and don't particularly care for one another?
The day you are ready to walk away is the day you actually have the strength to save your marriage... you are losing your illusions. When you are able to see the marriage for what it is, and not how you want to see it, is the day you have the courage to draw your boundary.
If you don't do this Hairdog, I promise you, promise you, as my shrink promised me, you will continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
If you are ready and willing to walk away, you have nothing to lose by drawing a boundary, and only everything to gain. Trust me on this one, guy. Ask MoJo. Ask Nopkins. Ask AtlantaDave.
wow. isn't that a bit harsh? did a shrink really say that? yikes.
well, I have no illusions, but I'm not walking away. I don't see what it would solve, and I'm not leaving my boy to grow up without a father. besides that, I am their only means of support, and I can't afford 2 housholds. If we have to live like room-mates for the next 20 years, then so be it.
Corri didn't say to walk away. She said he needed to be at the point where he could so that he could honestly force her into her crucible. Once he has an option other than her way, he can use that as leverage to set and enforce a boundary forcing her to either shape up or lose.
I know, but what does that mean, "being ready to.." Sounds to me like it means that we need to threaten, and be completely willing to follow through with said threat. well, I for one, can't. that's all I'm saying. any "threats" from me would be "idle", and if my bluff were called...then I'd lose all credibility.
I guess I'd rather just stay in a loveless marriage than abandon my family. Its not like there's a line forming, waiting for me to become free of my encumberances. so I might as well live here as any place else.
Quote: well, I have no illusions, but I'm not walking away. I don't see what it would solve, and I'm not leaving my boy to grow up without a father. besides that, I am their only means of support, and I can't afford 2 housholds. If we have to live like room-mates for the next 20 years, then so be it.
cac4
I don't know what point you are in your own M, but I can tell you, I've felt that way myself. I have 4 kids, and I had just given up, and was ready to live like roommates...hey, that's what we were doing. What did it get me? Nothing. Meaning, I felt dead. At 40. I couldn't cry, I couldn't play (I'm a musician)...I was able to be there for my kids, but that's about it. I came close to starting an EA which I know would have lead to a PA, and I also know that that would have caused a lot more hardship...Not to mention, what kind of mother can I be to my kids if I'm dead inside? I can keep it up for a while, but for how long? And trust me, kids get it a lot more than most adults give them credit for.
Am I any better off right now? If you read my thread, you'll see I'm not to far off from were HD is, but somehow, better off than I was. I know now what I have to do, (and if I ever get up the guts to do it , I might get somewhere ), and I'm able to talk to my H, even get a hug or kiss occasionally.
And, most important, I'm regaining myself.
But, in the end, you have to decide what's important. I couldn't leave right now, but in 5 yrs...certainly if things haven't gotten any better, after I've done a lot more work. I do know it's not fair to my kids to just stay in it for them, either. My parent's did that. They divorced when I was in my 20's. My dad went on and made a new life for himself, my mom didn't. And blames all of us for it, can't see what she had to do with it. She is a very bitter woman, very difficult to be with. What would have been different if they had divorced alot earlier? Ok, I would have had to put up with a lot of cr*p from mom. I did anyway, but I was away at school when the actual D was going on, so I got saved the brunt of mom's poison during that, I could just hang up the phone when it got too bad. Otherwise, I still have to deal with mom's anger, don't get to have family holidays...
HD, big hugs to you. I hope you find it in you to stand strong long enough for W to figure out what you've got in you. I wish I had some advice, but my brain's too full of my own sitch right now to think straight about anyone else's. But I'm thinking of you.
What it means is that you get to the point where the fear of fallout from your pushing for change is no longer a factor in the equation.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
So what she is saying is, as long as she gets her way, you are trustable. If she does not get her way, you are to not be trusted?
Hm. Yep. I pulled this one with my H, too. It's crap, HD. The reason I know it is crap is because, like I said, I pulled this with my H thinking the house thing was the cure. Nope. It was just another power play between us. We did eventually move, and things did eventually improve, but it wasn't because of the new house. As a matter of fact, I asked him for a D in our new house.
What I came to realize is, yes, I do like the house I am in better than the one I was in... that's just my preference... but I love my H and my family, and because of that, I could give a shiit less where we live as long as I have my H and my family to love. Love makes the home. Not the house.
Your wife, though I'm sure she has wonderful attributes or you wouldn't love her, is feeding you a load of crap so high and so deep you can't tell which end is up.
Yes. The two of you have trust issues. And respect issues. And power play issues. And communication issues. And boundary issues. Which all lead to lack of intimacy issues...
And you don't build trust or destroy trust with a new house.
Cac4, you misread my post. The day you are ready to walk away from your marriage is the day you no longer 'need' your spouse. On that day, you make the decision to love them, not 'need' them. There's a big dif.
), and I'm able to talk to my H, even get a hug or kiss occasionally.