I feel rather unqualified to answer, but it seems to me that you kind of skipped a few steps. I think instead of going doormat on W, you need to calmly tell her how her criticism is making you feel, exactly the way you just posted it here. It almost sounds like she's jsut pushing you to see just how far you'll let her get away with it. I'm certainly no expert on PM as I am still struggling with it myself, but I don't think HOM means being a doormat. Rather it means standing up for what you believe, stating it calmly and not backing down.
Example. after:
Quote: I mentioned this to my W last night, noting that I planned to re-cook it later. She said, "yet another example of you doing something half-assed and endind up with bad results, or having to do it over. I don't know why you didn't just go out and buy a jelly thermometer in the first place."
HD: are you finished? Your criticism has made me feel unappreciated and hurt. You bought grapes that were not going to be used otherwise, so rather than throwing them away I decided to try my hand at making jelly. I enjoyed making the jelly, regardless of the outcome and (perhaps) I bettered myself by learning from my mistakes. You do not have to eat it if you don't like the way I did it, so frankly, I don't see why it matters to you how it came out.
Or something along those lines... The idea is don't just sit there and take it. Calm down for a minute, let her finish her tirade, then calmly let the air out of her tires.
--GGB, who'd like to dump a little of that grape syrup on his W (but not on her head)
There is a wide range of responses between "being a doormat" and "getting into an out of control rage." Both these responses are self defeating.
When my father would get angry about something and I was in the vicinity, he would "wink" at me as if to say everything is OK- he knows what he is doing.
"Up" your response to your W but keep your inner wink. Then it will be truly cathartic.
I can't add a thing to what NOPkins, Mojo and others have said. I think Lee got it exactly right:
Quote: It is time for you to state very calmly what you will not put up with and then let her know what will happen if she doesn't follow this stuff. Then it will give you a real chance to hold onto your self.
GGB: I haven't skipped those steps, except perhaps on this most recent issue of grape jelly. I have told her many times that I want her to stop criticizing me, and that I deserve better treatment than the dogs (The dogs get attention, loving, petting, concern about their health, etc.). She focuses on the factual nature of her criticism, and backs this up with lists of other behaviors from the past. It's the ol' "truth is a defense" argument.
If I thought the same way she did, I would tell her the truth - that she's put on about 50 pounds since I met her and her abdomen is pendulous, that her clothes don't fit well, that her choice of clothing makes her look dowdy, that her views on feminism are so extreme that it makes people think she's crazy, that when we do make love she is basically lousy in bed due to her lack of enthusiasm, that she is elitist, that she is rude, that she is narcissistic, etc. I could easily have her in tears telling her the truth about herself.
But I don't tell her those things, because, even though they are the truth, they don't need to be shared. She basically knows each of those "facts" and doesn't need to be reminded of them. Just like I know I have "cut corners" on certain projects in the past and have met with bad results. Just like I know I am not good with managing money. Just like I know that I am not perfect.
The truth doesn't need to be shared because the only reason behind sharing the truth in these circumstances would be to hurt the other person. As I once heard, "the thing about people who are brutally honest is that they are usually more interested in the brutality than the honesty."
And, InHerJourney - don't worry, I won't forget my inner wink. I just need to let her know that I am not going to put up with her crap any more.
Make sure you are comfortable with what ever you decide to do if she doesn't follow your lead. Making decisions and then not following through can make her feel as if she has even more leverage than before this type of conversation.
My friends H was quiet by nature, and one particular time he really blew at her, and she deserved it. It was like he held crap in forever and he was all over her like white on rice. She told me it scared her and I think he got a little respect from her that was well deserved after that. Truth be told, how would W like it if she had a H who didn't do a dang thing except hang on to the remote control for dear life like my two brother-in-laws do? I've seen my sister be mean to her H for no reason at all...and he is a much more likeable, much happier than she ever thought about being. I think what you do irritates her because she knows you are an interesting person with fun interests, and you are obviously a funny guy by reading your threads. Maybe she doesn't think she measures up and takes it out on you, hoping to push you down a few notches to get on her level of unhappiness? Who the hay knows...and if she's mean enough to ya, you really AREN'T going to want her between the sheets...happens all the time.
Hairy, I thought of a few more things to do with the Jelly that Never Was.
Make a shake for D3 with a scoop of peanut butter, some grape syrup, and milk. Make a good old Purple Cow with the syrup and vanilla ice cream. Mix it with plain gelatin and see if you can get it to turn into grape jello. Use it on pancakes and waffles. Mix with water and make popsicles. Drive it up Hwy 70 and give to your friend Honey, who is now craving a taste of her childhood and concord grape anything.
Hang in there and my advice regarding your wife is to keep it short and simple. Tell her: "I feel that all you do is criticize me. I cannot remember the last time you said anything complimentary to me. There are plenty of opportunities for me to criticize you and I refrain. I would appreciate it if you would show me the same courtesy."
P.S. I liked the brutal honesty comment! I will remember that little nugget of wisdom.
Quote: If I thought the same way she did, I would tell her the truth - that she's put on about 50 pounds since I met her and her abdomen is pendulous, that her clothes don't fit well, that her choice of clothing makes her look dowdy, that her views on feminism are so extreme that it makes people think she's crazy, that when we do make love she is basically lousy in bed due to her lack of enthusiasm, that she is elitist, that she is rude, that she is narcissistic, etc. ... Hairdog
You paint such a purty picture there doggie. Reminds me of my very own significant other (ok, 25lbs, not 50). Here's a question for you (that I have asked myself and could not come up with a satisfactory answer): given your description of your W's faults, why are you still with her? She doesn't sound like a very nice person, there are some pretty big character flaws in there. What do you still find attractive?
Froggie, hopping around, wondering the same thing - and giving up, eats a bowl of flies instead.
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
What do I still find attractive about her? Well, despite my description of her body, I still am attracted to her physically. She has great boobs. She has pretty eyes. She has a great smile and an explosive laugh that always makes me laugh. She is a wise woman, and can help me work through problems that I don't seem able to do by myself. She can be very compassionate, just usually not toward me. She is a very funny lady most of the time. She is smart, and I enjoy our conversations about the world. She's a horrible singer, knows it, but sings to our daughter anyway. She is not materialistic.
I could go on and on, but I won't. You get the picture? I really do love her. I'm just not liking her very much right now.
