Despite your goodbye, I know you're still reading Barn, so I will give you my opinion. Now keep in mind I am only 21 so what do I know?.....
I think you have boxed yourself and your wife into a corner. You will only accept a "certain" kind of behavior from her...well, she will likely need to build up to this behavior. It might not be something she can just start doing, you know?
And as for yourself, you are withholding from her the things that you should be freely giving as a good husband. You are a man of integrity and should be acting as such. Then whatever she does or doesn't do will be on HER shoulders but she will have no reason to blame you for her own shortcomings.
IOW, I think you can stay the same good husband, all the while implementing the PM strategies of "I love you, but if this doesn't change don't expect me to stick around forever.."
The vibe I got from your post (and it could have been pure frustration talking, I've been there myself and will be there again soon when I make it to my own thread this morning) was "I'm going to be an azzhole to her until she makes it up to me." In light of this dynamic going on, not only will she not make it up to you but then you are forced every day to be in a bad mood.
I think a better strategy would be to find something that makes you happy and DO IT. Let her see you moving on without her, instead of being captive and resentful, and see what she does. Right now, she holds all the cards.
I have read so many times on other areas of this board how the wives did not realize what their husbands were saying to them until they saw them moving on with their lives. That was a huge wake up call, for some reason. Now this baffles my mind, it really does, but there ya go.
If you decide to move on and do things for yourself to make yourselg at lest content with your situation, she may let go of any EC or PC connection that she still has with you. When I started doing things for myself, to self sooth and keep myself from going completely nuts, my H completely cut off any EC with me, even though the PC has been cut off for years. He felt that I had betrayed him by talking to my friends about our problems.
Just wanted to know that this could be a possibile outcome of your actions. I know that you have said that you are going to raise the children with her, but you have many years to go before they are out of school.
This is a tough tightrope to walk. Take your time with your decision making process before you make changes. Sometimes when we take vows with another, they may have intentions at the time to honor those committments, but over time, the willingness to make the marriage work dissappears. It take two working together to make it a success. You cannot make a marriage survive on the strength of just one person.
I came on here looking for a little fire under my butt, (you know a little wisdom, or maybe a laugh or hey how about some controversy) to get my day started, and you didn't disappoint me!
So, you're considering taking out an ad huh? Well I'm really not sure how this would work for you. Except for that age thing, I might even be tempted to answer it myself. Yup, everything a girl could hope for. In fact my little pea brain is spinning away wondering hm, now just how would I answer that one? So here goes..........
Sure I'll have sex with you, ya old coot!!! Especially if the money's flowing.
Would that catch your eye???????
Still on vacation but you know I need to check on all my 'off balance' friends.
Quote: I think a better strategy would be to find something that makes you happy and DO IT. Let her see you moving on without her, instead of being captive and resentful, and see what she does. Right now, she holds all the cards.
Welcome Feb. I'm glad HP's advice to me is helping you. Unfortunately, I find it difficult to really enjoy anything (except my kids) when what I need the most is missing. Maybe I should let her see me moving on to a woman who really wants me. (Perhaps I could take out a personal ad.)
If you take a stand and make an ultimatum, you better be prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions. Besides, you ain't the cheating type. Flirting, yeah, but cheating? In your dreams I know, but reality? Nope.
Check out SuperDave and the asexuality banter. Quite interesting.
Barney, Thinking about leaving after your kids are grown is quite a ways off. How are you going to make it in the mean while? It's like knowing you are going to quit a job, and then having to stay there for years on end. You have already checked out. IMO, the only way you are going to make it these upcoming years is to check back in.
You are obviously a very smart lady. I'll bet you're hot, too. (No offense intended...just add fantasy issues to my list of problems.)
Of course you're right about my situation. My answer to how I'm going to make it is simply to take it one day at a time. I'm not completely sure I have what it takes to keep living this way.
I'm willing to "check back in" if for no other reason than for personal sanity. But the lack of sex is just one way of our troubles manifesting. There are control, emotional manipulation, and denial issues that would have to be dealt with for me to "check in". For example, my W read Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, at a friend's recommendation. (I had read it, too, and many things in it NAILED our situation.) My W's comment to me after reading it was, "You've sure got it good! I'm nothing like those W in the book!" When I replied that the book has a lot in it that applies to us, she threw a fit (literally) that I would say such a thing. I called her on it right away, but quickly saw that it would do no good and let it go.
A few weeks ago, after a long sexual drought she made a terribly lame attempt at ML. (I've never been "allowed" to initiate sex. It has been under her control from the beginning.) She said, "I may not be any good at this, but at least ILY." I thanked her for saying "ILY" and asked why she didn't also want to be good at ML. She got angry at me for saying she wasn't any good at ML.
So, while I completely agree with your assessment, my hands are pretty much tied. Don't get me wrong...I've done this to myself in choosing to "stick it out" for my kids, so I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. The problem I face is one of trying to live a "normal" life, like my unmet sexual needs aren't controlling my every thought and action. Unfortunately, I'm still like the 17 year old boy who sees everything through the filter of sexual deprivation. My W will HAVE to make some changes for me to be happy and nothing short of a bona fide miracle will cause that.
Mike - 48yo M who becomes like a slobbering 2yo at the sight of nipples
I still read the posts.