ILMH- Not to hijack Olives thread but my H never wanted anyone to know about the A either. I think that is key that its not really what they want. My husbands biggest fear was and still is that I cant get past the A and that someday I am just going to say I have had enough and walk away. I finally convinced him earlier on that that is not what I wanted and I wanted to get past it all and we could do it together. All that is good but it still doesnt make them get over OW as quickly as we would like. I remember reading something to the effect- Just like we cant turn on the trust switch right away, they cant turn off the feelings switch for the OW. My H felt very guilty that he let things go on as long as they did. He said in counseling one time..." I should of put the brakes on this thing after it became a fling because in the back of my mind I knew it wasnt what I wanted" So I know he felt bad about hurting the OW. His compassion is one of the things I love most about him.
Totally agree. My H didn't want me to tell anyone either. In fact, he specifically asked me not to tell my very best friend who he has the utmost respect for! Of course, I did!! However, I know what you are feeling - you don't want to rock the boat! You feel like you are on such unstable ground that you are afraid to do ANYTHING that will make him mad. Anyway, H has since told a number of his relatives what has happened and what he has done. I feel like this is a good part of his healing process.
Right now, however, I feel like our reconciliation is happening too fast!!!!!! It seems like I am feeling things now to the extreme! I guess I was in survival mode for a while and now the feelings are gushing in! One moment I am so in love with H, the next I hate his guts, and the next I feel nothing (like I don't care what happens). H, on the other hand, is all lovey dovey - I love you so very much blah blah blah - saying he thinks our R is better than ever. WHAT?????!!!! Slow down. How can that be? I am sooooo confused! Three weeks ago you were ready to end our M. Now, our R is better than ever!!!!!!!!!! I don't get it. I told him how hurt I am right now and he apologized but it just seems really weird. I know I should count my blessings but I am having a hard time believing his feelings are real.
Like I said, I'm having all kinds of conflicting feelings. What do you guys think? Am I going crazy??!!
No Olive you are not going crazy. We work so hard to try and keep the M together and thats all we think about. So when the time comes to reconcile and work things out that is when we all of a sudden say "wow what has happened" and realize how much we really were hurt etc etc. You need to realize that and just try to take the time you need to get things in perspective. We cant change the past. All we can do is work through it and forgive. You might not think that at some points in the day Olive but you really do want to forgive. We will never forget but over time the thoughts will get further and further away. Its only been three months and I am already seeing a difference in how much I think about OW and the events of the past year. Take a deep breath and try to find time for yourself through this all. The book I was reading by Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" says not to make any decision as to stay or leave until at least 3 months. I now know why. It is a great book that you might consider picking up for both of you to read. Take care and please be patient with your own feelings
I know you're right... It's good to know that these feelings will some day diminish. But, don't you think that it's kind of soon for my H (who wasn't "in love" with me a month ago) to be crazy about his wife again?! It really does seem like he flipped a switch! I guess one of the reasons I'm freaking out is because I don't know how to stop him from flipping it back the other way!
I KNOW we are moving in the right direction. Sometimes the hurt , sadness, and fear just take over. I guess no matter what stage of this Hell you are in, it's really hard...
Something that made me feel a bit more secure today - H told me that he is not going back "there" now and will never go "there" in the future. So, he said, I don't have to worry about that. Then, he said that I am the most incredible woman in the world. oh boy - I could get used to that stuff again!!
Olive- go pick up the book- "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will give you a tremendous amount of insight as to what you and your H are going through. It really helped me. My H has been home 3 1/2 months and I still have very insecure moments out of the blue. I have read in several places that the total healing takes a long time. Keep moving forward.
It's comforting to read these posts. My WW is in the same situation right now. She has not -- to my knowledge -- been spending time with OM, but she works with him every day. She's told me how lucky she is to be loved by "two wonderful men" -- which almost makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm starting to become more prayerful and realize that, at this point, God needs to do the majority of the work. Until she is ready to commit to the M or to the OM, I can only love her and support her.
Yah... that comment about being lucky to be loved by two wonderful men is pretty sickening! I'm glad that you read my post. I, too, found these very comforting - not just knowing you're not alone but also that you CAN do things that can help your situation.
Important lessons I have learned: 1 - Believe your gut - it knows the truth! 2 - Use your head - emotions WILL stear you in the wrong direction 3 - No matter what - be a friend (not a doormat) to your S 4 - Seek a good marriage counselor (for both of you if possible) 5 - Do not make demands too early but know your own limits 6 - Don't set ultimatums unless you really mean them 7 - Figure out what your S feels was missing in your R and try to change your behavior to meet those needs 8 - Look for the little signs that things are getting better (they will help you stay strong!) 9 - When you feel something good coming from your S, run with it (i.e. - He/She gives you a hug - Hug Him/her back with all your might) 10 - Seek advice from the people here - they know what you are going through 11 - Pray like crazy 12 - Believe that miracles do happen!!
The end of my story for now : Things are going REALLY well. I'm working with the C on getting over my hurt and resentment. Still have a long way to go. I said that I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder - weird flashbacks. I was in crisis mode for a while knowing that I had to remain calm and use my head and not my emotions to deal with this situation. Now, the emotional part has arrived!
My H and I had a really good conversation recently about MY feelings and the trauma I'm feeling. I needed to make him understand how bad I feel that the person I loved and trusted the most in the world lied to and deceived me. I cried a lot but we were able to get a lot of junk out on the table. Felt much better after that - knowing that he undersood that he almost lost everything important to him by behaving as he did; that in the end, it wasn't just him deciding where he wanted to be but, also ME deciding it was ok for him to be here. Also, talked about what HE could do to make me feel better about trusting.
Again, I have to say that MC is soooo helpful. It has made H understand why and how the A happened and what signs to look for in a "friendship" so that we don't go there again. I guess his healing process started quite a while before mine did so I'm a little further behind but that's ok.
We are in such a good place right now - it's just crazy. I really FEEL the LOVE! We have a long way to go to be where we want to be but are on such a fast ride in the right direction!
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